gibberish


Make way for the new David Bailey…
March 31, 2008, 8:55 pm
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, life, photography, stories | Tags: , , , , ,

LOL.

I am a published photographer.

It’s not quite Magnum but it’s better than nowt.

For those of you who can’t be bothered with links this is my moment of fame. And you can see more on my Flickr site which is easily accessed in the sidebar to the left.

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Ricky and Bianca are on the way back
March 31, 2008, 8:32 pm
Filed under: Arts, advertising, humour, life, tv | Tags: , , , , , , ,

Which newspaper TV critics are on top of this we ask ourselves?

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Perhaps if you are a TV critic you might want to show your Whitelaw. Sorry, hand.

I used to rather fancy Patsy Palmer if the truth be told. It’s the ginger hair.



more insurance crap
March 30, 2008, 8:10 pm
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, business, life, stories, work | Tags: , ,

You may have read my views on the scandal that is insurance in the UK. Basically as the insured you are guilty until proven innocent and the strategy of insurance companies is not to pay up unless it is the last resort - like having to come home from your holiday ‘cos your Dad died (of course that was all planned) or your kitchen going on fire (because we’re pyromaniacs).

Well, our latest issue was just that - and here’s the photographic evidence that was good enough for the Loss Adjuster, but not the insurance company, as you will read below.

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Amazingly, the following letter has, believe it or not, actually elicited a sympathetic response.

No result yet, of course, but at least some consideration.

See what you think. This was my letter to Nationwide Building Society on March the 12th.

Dear Sir/Madam

I write to you in a state of some disbelief.

My understanding of the economics of insurance is that we, the underwritten, undertake to pay you, the underwriter an open ended premium to ensure that if something unexpected happens to us, the cost of that eventuality (less an agreed excess) is paid out to put right the unfortunate occurrance that we have paid for.

You, I understand, set the premiums on the basis of a risk analysis. So that, you pay out less than you collect and make a profit.

We, the underwritten, do exactly the same.

We calculate that if the risk of paying out endless monthly premiums is worth the security of knowing that in the eventuality of something going wrong we will be looked after.

We assume the people we are paying are as good as their word.

In the past year I have lost all of that faith.

Firstly, my father died whilst I was on holiday and had to bring my family home from Portugal.

My trust in Mondial was misplaced (as we were treated like cheats when in fact the reality was precisely the opposite - it was Mondial that was cheating).

We were fed nothing other than lies.

Nationwide, who we bought this policy from, positions itself as the good guys - not the money grubbing swine that the banking network is. So, why is it that when our kitchen goes on fire; when you send out a Loss Adjuster to validate any claim – and he does; when you find out that our kitchen has been discontinued you come back to us and say…

“It’s normal practice to settle for half the cost of the full replacement kitchen.”

Why is that?

Which half were you planning to replace? Top or bottom? Left or right? Inside or outside? Handles? Worktops? Or don’t those count?

What would you have said to me if I had only paid half my premiums?

Would you have settled my claim?

I don’t think so!

And what’s that about quick settlement of claims? The fire was on the 5th of January. It’s now the 12th of March.

And can we have the door back that you’ve had for a month trying to find the kitchen that matched it?

You are being very unfair, very unreasonable and frankly ridiculous.

Please could you respond wearing your sensible hat and tell us when our fully validated claim will be processed with some dignity.

Yours faithfully

Mark Gorman

PS. One other thing. You have replaced the washing machine (minus the excess) but you seem to be treating this as two claims when quite clearly it is not. The washing machine caused the fire, therefore the whole thing is one incident and should be treated as such. In other words, for the avoidance of confusion we have no intention of paying two excesses. Just like we don’t make two monthly payments.



A world first

Jeana discovers a new band and the Altzheimers doesn’t kick in.

She remembers their name!

They are Fleet Foxes and they were (apparently) the darlings of SXSW this year. They remind me a little of Midlake which is probobaly why they are on the fantabulous Bella Union Records label.

Enjoy…

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It also explains why they do Fleetwood Mac covers.



New golf season starts with a bang
March 29, 2008, 4:36 pm
Filed under: Scotland, family, golf, life, sports | Tags: , , , ,

May I introduce you to the Tiger Woods of South Queensferry?

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One tournament played in the 2008 season.

One victory.

Yes, I am that good. I may have a late developing career as a professional golfer because today I, dear reader, won the opening day Texas Sramble at Dundas Parks with my team members, Paul, Calum, Trisha and Ewan.

In a nine hole contest we shot six pars and three birdies which, after deducting our handicap of ten, gave us a net score of 22 (13 under par)..

Eat shit Tiger. When did you last shoot 13 under par?

Tom had to sit watching (total loser) as we walked elegantly and dignified to the stage to receive our trophy. A bottle of Scotmid Red Wine and six quid.

Whoo hoo.

Gerritrightupya.



word of the week

Hillary Clinton’s lying about the sniper fire non-incident in Bosnia led to her defending herself by misusing a little used word.

She claims she did “mis-speak”.

To misspeak is to mispronounce or use a word incorrectly.  But which part of lying about an incident is mis-speaking?

Has she been reading ‘Lanark’ by Alistair Gray set in the land of “unthank”?

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Perhaps we can add a few more words to the English language.

To swear is to mis-compliment.

To hack someone at football is to mis-tackle.

To murder is to mis-propogate.

To crash your car is to mis-drive.

To miss a putt on the golf course is to mis-not miss.

To bunk school is to mis-attend.

Any more thoughts folks?



Wearing the shirt…
March 27, 2008, 1:13 am
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, football, sports

I never even played for my school team but I have played football on and off most of my life, and followed it too.

The Scotland friendly against Croatia rose my cynicism levels way out of control though.

Rangers play Celtic on Saturday and five Old Firm players pull out through injury but will be OK for the weekend?

Aye.

Right.

Scotty Brown turned up though.  And got booked.  Says a lot about his commitment.

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PR
March 27, 2008, 12:21 am
Filed under: Scotland, advertising, business, humour, life, stories, work | Tags: , , ,

I like PR.

It makes the media world work and several of my pals work in PR.

But I was speaking at a business networking event today and shared the platform with a PR guy who made a perfectly good presentation until he uttered the immortal line that PR “Sprinkles a bit of Pixie Dust.”

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Had I have been in more trivial mode I might have laughed until I choked on my own vomit.

Instead I spotted an acquaintence in the audience and discretely raised my eyebrows heavenwards.

The move was reciprocated.



Thank the Lord that the Apprentice is back

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What a laugh we had last night. The Mrs , myself and Ria. The Apprenice is, in so many ways, the greatest thing on British TV.

It’s about class first and foremost - and anyone who enjoys the programme and disagrees is kidding themselves.

It’s about emotion.

It’s certainly funny.

It’s about arrogence.

It’s about banal stupidity and therefore viewer superiority.

It’s about good versus evil.

It’s about double guessing Sir Alan.

It’s about Margaret and Nick.

It’s about life.

It is life affirming.

Oh, I love it so much. It makes me laugh so much I could cry.

But last night (week one) it was most certainly about class. Working class hero Alex, and team leader, versus a couple of fucking toffs. (You can probably see where I’m coming from on this one).

The Apprentice, is visceral television. One (you) has (have) to scream at the screen because the antics are so outstanding.

So, surprise, surprise I was shouting for the adequate Northern (and educated) team leader in favour of the useless twat (and educated), toff pricks, who let their team down.

Nicholas Delancey- Brown and Raef Byanyu to be precise.

Can you really, honestly see Raef Byanyu on the shop floor with Sir Alan. No, don’t be bloody ridiculous. He is a twit. A big bally twit. Twitty twit, twit, that’s what I bally say!

And as for Nick Delancy whatsisname, he’s back to Arsingale-on-Bandit on the first ruddy limo that he could find.

Being superiorly inferior.

See ya. Woudnae wanna be ya!



Is it my imagination?
March 26, 2008, 1:27 am
Filed under: Rants, life, politics | Tags: , , , , ,

scary-hillary-clinton.jpg

Or did I hear that Hillary Clinton claimed she landed under sniper fire on a trip to Bosnia?

Because this is the news footage from her arrival at the time.

I think you can welcome President Obama to the world stage.

Maybe it’s not just Britain that has a Bliar.



all the world’s a stage
March 24, 2008, 6:54 pm
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, dad, family, humour, life, photography | Tags: , , ,

all the world’s a stage

Originally uploaded by mark gorman.

my dad doing what my dad did best. basically showing off . Found this shot in Jane’s house on Easter Sunday and fiddled about a bit in photoshop with it.



There’s a whole lot of weirdos in our nieghbourhood.
March 23, 2008, 2:26 pm
Filed under: Arts, family, humour, life, photography, stories | Tags: , ,

A new family just moved into our street and they’re a bit wierd. I got a few snaps of the Dad who has a pure Napoleon complex…

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The kids don’t look right at all.

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happy easter from amy
March 22, 2008, 2:37 pm
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, advertising, family, life, photography, stories, work | Tags: , , ,

Amy did a hat modelling assignment recently for Joyce Paton who has a hat and corset shop in the Ferry.

We liked this one.

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there’s a ghost in the machine
March 22, 2008, 12:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized



there’s a ghost in the machine

Originally uploaded by mark gorman.

I was watching an old Jools Holland show last night and saw this guy in the background. had to get a shot of him and photoshop it a bit…



Now for some relaxation

Mark seems to be on a bit of a rant. It’s that holiday feeling he gets.

If any of you are looking for something a bit more relaxing and your thoughts are turning to outdoors and the garden, Suntrap is running a couple of short gardening courses. They’re very informative and good fun, just phone the college and sign up.

Saturday morning courses run from 10 am to 12 Noon at only £6 plus materials. On Saturday 12 April, you can learn all about Bonsai’s, run by the Scottish Bonsai Association, and you’ll come away with your own bonsai. You can make your own Summer hanging basket or container on the 24th of May.

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Alternatively, you might be interested in two evening classes:

A How to Design your Garden course starts on Wednesday 16 April - 2 July for 13 weeks and costs £95.00. - great if you’ve got either a brand new garden with nothing in it or an area that you want to do something with and you don’t know how to get started.

Amateur Gardening - which is the one I started with many years ago - runs on a Thursday evening from 7.00 - 9.00 pm from the 24 April - 26 June and costs £75.00 plus materials.

You can take part in as many of the courses as you like.

So, if you’re in the gardening mood. Check out the Suntrap site or blog.



Beth Rowley
March 22, 2008, 2:12 am
Filed under: Youtube, music, videos | Tags:

Will Atkinson brought her to my attention. I don’t know much about her but I do know that this Etta James cover is rather good.

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The killing machine

I was watching an old Jools Holland show on Sky + (yes it still works in case you are interested) tonight and Jools was thankfully keeping a low profile.

It was like the golden age of TV when the presenters simply did their jobs.

I felt like whistling as it was a very relaxing scenario. Glass of wine, weekend underway, with cares low on the agenda.

When, all of a sudden, completely unannounced, gratuitous total and utter horror careered into my living room, smashing any sense of mood straight into a Monday morning horror zone.

AAAAArghhhh!

OMG!

Help ma boab!

Head for the hills.

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Allan Carr had appeared as a ‘guest’.

He didn’t say anything in the least bit insightful and, in any case, how could he because Jools has the interviewing skills of a piano player from Squeeze.

Now, I don’t know about you but Alan Carr (and I’ve deliberately miss-spelt his name at LEAST once) gives me the boak.

This man kills TV.

Kills? Ha ha ha I was being atypically understated there.

He doesn’t make any contribution that I can fathom other than being a parody of himself.

He is to TV what George Bush is to education.

He is what gold embossed cover type is to literature.

He is shit.

His style makes you want to put a heavy object (like a train - or an anvil if one was feeling kinder) through him.

Please.

Let’s have no more of this tedious, tiresome twit.

And if we must, let it only be under the banner of The Allann Carrr (sic) Show. Not hidden away in proper TV programmes.



Dig Lazarus Dig!!! by Nick cave
March 22, 2008, 1:05 am
Filed under: Arts, music | Tags: , , , ,

nickcave.jpg

Nick Cave is one of the few artists that gets better with age. He was a kind of tiresome punk, but in the last 10 years his music has gone from good to sublime.

The Lyre of Orphee was quite simply magnificent and the particularly badly designed sleeve (in contrast to the aforementioned) of Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! (C’mon man how many !!!’s does a quality writer need?) does not, in any way, prepare one for the solid gold that lies within.

This record rocks.

No, it rock and rolls.

It is wondrous.

Every track is totally different in construction, style, sound, arrangement and effect. But held together with Cave’s growling vocals and incredible lyrics.

The title track is the pick of the bunch. But not by much. It is a modern day take on the parable of Lazarus, or Larry as Nick fondly refers to him - in a modern US setting of course

Larry has found his moment of fame, having been, against his wishes, dug up and ressurected - and plainly he doesn’t like it, becoming in time a drunk, a junky and a drop out - just like all the rest of the unnamed ressurectionists.

It is a quite breathtaking piece of writing, but in addition it comes with a grinding bassline, a brilliant melody (in a Nick Cave sort of way) and a stomping rythm. And you know what? EVERY single song that follows perms one or more of the above qualities.

This is a very good record indeed and a certainty for my best of the year shortlist.

Wow.

Here’s a wee taster …

]



Tory extremism
March 22, 2008, 12:26 am
Filed under: humour, jokes, politics | Tags: , ,

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So.

Far from joining the militant right David Cameron has shown his anarchic tendencies by breaking four; yes get that FOUR laws on his bicycle on the way to work as leader of the opposition.

Call the Daily fucking Mail, that’s what I say.

Oh, it was then them that broke the story.

Whatever next?

Actually, I listened to a radio programme on Radio Scotland yesterday where the phone-in was about cyclists being wankers. Yes, it’s true. OK they didn’t call them wankers, they called them thoughtless law-breaking morons. It was, of course, a phone-in driven (get it?) by Tory toss-pots of a certain age.

Oh yes, and they were car drivers.

What offended me was not their opinions but the fact that the BBC thought it a wise choice to allow licence payers to have to listen to a bunch of old Tory farts sounding off about anarcho-cyclists when their boss is the leader of that particular pack.

Sweet.

(Doesn’t stop you wanting to retch from the pit of your stomach every time Cameron slimes into your peripheral vision though.  I’d almost say bring back Bliar, but that would be ridiculous.  In the meantime let’s just hope Brown learns that being PM means not being C of the E)



Candie Payne with Mark Ronson and the BBC Symphony Orchestra live at The Albert Hall
March 21, 2008, 9:04 am
Filed under: Youtube, music, videos | Tags: , , , , , ,

This doesn’t quite come off. I think Candie is a bit overwhelmed by it all. (Well, she didn’t spend 5 years being groomed for this sort of thing at Brats School after all.)

It does show her potential to be as big as I think she should be. It’s a far cry from when I saw her at Cabaret Voltaire last August, that’s for sure.

This doesn’t quite come off either but, by all accounts, it kicks Lilly Allan’s ass.  Here she’s duetting with Ricky of the Kaiser Chiefs on Oh My God.

This, on the other hand, is class. An acoustic version of arguably her best song about being stuck with a crap boyfriend.

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