Filed under: Jeana's Gardening, Scotland, life, photography, stories | Tags: garden, gardeners, gardening, google, google rankings, photo, rankings, search engine optimisation
Well. Google seems to think so…Then again, we’re only 21st out of 36 million. Must try harder.
Filed under: Rants, business, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, Lucinda, raef, sir alan, The Apprentice 2008, The Apprentive TV programme
Not a classic week really. Raef hardly made an arse of himself at all.
Well, it’s all relative.
He’s been keeping a low profile but still managed to pop up with an absurdism. When Sir Allan challenged one of his prepostrous ideas – selling ice cream to an ice cream maker – Sir Alan suggested that this was like selling the might Sir Alan himself a satellite receiver
Unbelievably ArseRaef didn’t take the bail out option but instead reaffirmed his own oafishness by claiming “If I had absolute belief I’d still turn up [to sell it to Sir Alan].”
Lucinda surprised us all by metamorphosing from a rubbishy, wee, lazy but quite nice, posh bird into a right-on team playing team leader – actually the best in the series so far – and was rewarded with defeat.
Her boardroom performance was not brilliant but she managed to survive Irish bitch Jennifer’s assault. Lindi Mngaza (certainly not “Eyeless in Gaza” if you consider the eye-bling) blew it big style.
The Boot, Claire Young, toned down the bootishness quite well and got a pure spot of luck with a big sale at the last minute to keep her in for a near future firing.
Prick of the week? Oh deffo Michael Sophocles. He may yet out-Raef Raef.
Who’ll win. God knows, they’re all pish in different ways. Actually, for me Lucinda moved significantly up the leaderboard as she showed that she can manage and, you know what? That’s what this series is about.
Filed under: humour, jokes, life, stories | Tags: aetheism, atheism, god, heaven, life after death, zen
An atheist was walking along a cliff edge when he slipped and fell to his almost certain death, but fortuitously he grabbed onto a branch sticking out from the cliff face. Having gathered his wits he immediately began screaming for help.
To no avail.
In a last ditch act of desperation he looked to the heavens and shrieked…
“is there anybody out there?
A voice boomed back…
“Yes! GOD!”
“Can you help me?” whimpered the aetheist.
“Of course, put your faith in me and let go of the branch. You will then fall into my protective arms.” responded God.
A long pause ensued, broken by the aetheist who then shrieked…
“Is there anybody else out there?”
Filed under: Arts, Youtube, music, videos | Tags: funk, helsinki jazz, jazz, tuomo
Whoa. Here’s a wee cracker for ya!
Heard this on the Craig Charles Funk Show tonight.
Jazz funk from Finland.
Get on down man…
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Filed under: life, music | Tags: ethiopia, ethiopian music, ethiopiques, jazz, very best of ethiopiques, world music
Sometimes a record comes along that literally blows your mind.
This is it.
It’s a collection of the Ethiopian club music scene of Addis Ababa circa 1968 – 74. And it’s unique, hypnotic, sexy, trance-like because the rythms are so un-western. Yet it adopts western influences of jazz and soul and meshes them with military precision (many of the artists are from the Ethiopian army bands) and African mystery.
It is actually, to die for. OK, some tracks fail to quite mesh with my westernised ear – but not many.
Unquestionably my album of the year so far.
You can hear more (and read all about) here!
Needless to say, the kids hate it.
Filed under: Scotland, family, golf, life, photography, sports, stories | Tags: dunfermline building society junior masters, golf, junior golf, sgu
Great golf week for Tom.
First off he was playing at number three in the team match at the weekend against a six handicapper (Tom’s off 21) and they play off scratch in these matches. Nevertheless, he halved the match having missed a putt from a foot to win. Doh!
Then yesterday he won the first medal of the season (he won three last year at Ratho and three at Dundas, plus another two prizes). The good thing was this medal was also the qualifier for the Dunfermline Building Society sponsored SGU Scottish Junior Masters.
He might now be cut to 19. I’m 18. Yikes!
Filed under: Scotland, books, life, stories | Tags: Ankylosing Spondylitis, anna crowe, elspeth wills, michael and elspeth wills, michael wills
I was extremely privileged to be invited to attend the Remembering Service for Michael Wills at The Apex Hotel in Edinburgh’s Grassmarket yesterday, along with Jeana. We knew Michael through his wife Elspeth who both Jeana and I worked with, and for, at different times in our lives.
Michael was, is, one of Edinburgh’s unsung heroes. Having retired from a distinguished career as a librarian at Edinburgh’s Heriot Watt University he took to retirement with relish.
Michael was a striking physical specimin. He suffered for many years from Ankylosing Spondylitis which may have been a consequence of a broken back many years ago. Whether or not this is the case I know not, but either way it meant he walked with a pronounced stoop. His gregarious nature and constant smile marked him out as different from ‘ordinary’ people. In that respect the photo above is very representative of him.
Michael was a true intellectual, but he was in no way elitist about this and this was reflected wonderfully in the unique Remembering Service which featured original poetry (the stunning ‘revising the Blue Guide to Scotland’ by Anna Crowe), Happy the Man by his wonderful wife of 39 years, Elspeth, and a poem written in his honour by his nephew Jonathon Wills.
But the readings from The Origin of the Species (First Edition – where there is no mention of the creation – Michael was a staunch aetheist) and The Song of Solomon (ironically perhaps – a bible story that Michael sent Elspeth as a love letter in his courting days) really added to the eclecticism of the day
A truly moving and beautiful ceremony – we were indeed glad to have had a small place in Elspeth and Michael’s lives.
RIP.
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, football, life, sports, stories | Tags: Eufa Cup, europe, European football, huns, Rangers, rangers fc, rfc
My mate Mike is a rubbish golfer. He can’t hit a driver to save himself but he’s solid with a 7 iron. Plop, plop , plop goes each shot, down the middle, sinks the putt and it’s a par.
It’s real safety officer stuff but it grinds out results.
So, to Rangers.
Their European campaign, although succesful is like playing golf with a 7 iron. Nothing ventured, nothing ventured.
It makes you weep how dull and unimaginative it is. It’s horrific. But hey, the ends might just justify the means.
Whatever.
Filed under: Youtube, humour, jokes, life, science, videos, work | Tags: dentist, negotiation, negotiation skills, tooth extraction
Next time you’ve got a bit of dental pain and want some treatment you can learn something valuable from this guy’s technique. Good denoument too!
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Filed under: Rants, big brother, humour, jokes, life, politics, sports | Tags: australia, burglars, burglary, caught red handed, guns, law, law and order, law enforcement, Legal, the police
I’m grateful to Pat Rodger for sending me this little peach.
From the Townsville Bulletin (on Australia’s Gold Coast)
George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go to turn off the light but saw from the porch that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police and explained what was happening; the controller asked
‘Is someone in your house?’
‘No’ he replied.
The response was that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
‘Hello’ he said ‘I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.
Within four minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
To which George replied, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
Filed under: Rants, humour, jokes, life, work | Tags: fatso, keith mcniff, mayor of pembroke, tubby
Interesting story on the news tonight about the porky mayor of Pembroke, Keith McNiffe. (That’s him standing second left of the bloke sitting in the red gown.)
McNiffe has claimed to be disabled and taking payment from the Benefits Agency for the last two years. Apparently he claimed to be such a fat bastard that he couldn’t even walk. However, he was caught on video running (sic) the line at an amatuer football match and had done so 59 times this season.
Given the frequency of his exercise it begs the question. Why did he look like a Walrus in a Matt Lucas cast off costume?
Filed under: Arts, humour, jokes, life, tv, videos, work | Tags: Bafta, BATTAs, gavin and stacey, James Corden, Ruth Jones, tv, TV awards, Wales, Welsh
Gavin and Stacey. That’s what’s ocurrin’.
We watched the last episode of series two through tears of mirth and melancholy in almost equal part last night, only seconds after watching the show win two BAFTAs.
Like James Corden I was puzzled by the fact that it was nominated for most things that had a suggestion of funnines about the category, but not best sitcom, but, hey, that’s the BAFTAs for you.
After all, Coronation Street didn’t get a nomination for best Soap. That’s a joke is it not.
Anyway back to the Gavster. This is a magnificent TV series and it all stems from the writing – in this case of James Corden and Ruth Jones. I don’t think the series has reached the critical mass it should have , But it will. Oh yes it will. British comedy at its very, very best.
One further observation on the awards…C4 stuck it right up them. Good on ya C4. We luv ya!
Filed under: Arts, Youtube, life, music, videos | Tags: Jools, jools holland, peter perret. another girl another planet, the only ones
I loved The Only Ones and their best song has survived the test of time.
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However I was shocked to see them on a recent Jools last night. Peter Perret looked like he’d been dug up from a tomb. Ouch.
Filed under: Jeana's Gardening, Rants, Scotland, family, humour, jokes, life, photography, stories, work | Tags: dishwasher, electrical, home improvements, plumbing
We finally gave up on the old rubbish dishwasher. It was always leaking and the timer didn’t really work, it often failed to switch itself off at the end of a cycle and could end up washing the dishes all day. I felt there was only so many times you could call the Gas Board out to fix it. (By the way this is the best cover ever for your domestic appliances, they come out on a weekly basis to fix things in this house, if need be.)
So, on Saturday morning, I was doing some weeding in the garden, Mark put the new dishwasher in. There was no swearing, nothing, a very peaceful morning. Mark even managed to lift the old machine into the garden on his own. I was very impressed and told him so.
Then I noticed and said to Mark. “It’s still full of all the dishes.”
“Yeah, but I’ve put the new one in.”
Job done, off he went.
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, advertising, life, photography, politics | Tags: fascism, right wing
Saw this poster in Salamander St last week.
Not good.
Is this some sort of fascist intelectualism? Because, if it is, it’s probably lost on most people. Myself included
(PS. Having written this post I then found out that it is “art” intended to stimulate debate about global capitalism and Polish immigration. Well, it worked but it’s kind of up itself. – see the explanation in the comments or follow this link to The Collective Gallery’s website.)
Filed under: Scotland, Youtube, humour, jokes, life | Tags: arse faced, back end of bus, boots, dogs, double baggers, dugs, foul, Glasgow, hackit, hacks, hin mingers, mingin', minging, not blessed with beauty, rough lookin', skelpit, toerags, totally hackit like, ugly, yucky
So sang Hugh Cornwell in 1977, or thereabouts, on Rattus Norvegicus – one of the greatest albums of all time.
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But how could he have predicted that in 2008 a poll of 3,000 British blokes would decide that Glasgow would be voted the king of the mingers.
I mean, I’ve seen some good looking Weegies in my time so I was a little surprised to read that Glasgow is officially the home of the boot. But right enough you do get some total double baggers in the ’stan.
Some of them have names to much too – take Aquavita McGlumpha for instance – that’s the name of a burd with a face like the back end of a baboon.
Sorry Glasgow. you’ll just have to come to Edinburgh to see a bit of totty.
Or Barry Island, or Grimsby, or Sellafield, or Macclesfield, or Nantwich, or The Wirral, or Newcastle Under Lyme, or Harthill – let’s face it – they’re all now, officially, bonnier.
Filed under: Arts, Rants, big brother, business, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, being posh, raef, sir alan, the apprentice, the apprentice week 4, titface, you're fired
Tittyboy Raef kept his profile well below the radar (Yah) until the final seconds this week, when he blew it by being spotted wearing a preposterous pink skinny rib v-neck that only posh folk would be seen dead in as the house awaited the survivors of the eviction coming back.
Clearly Simon (nice but nasty) found himself well out of his depth – surrounded on one side by the barking Doberman that is Claire (by the way what is the difference between a Doberman and a woman with PMT? You can reason with a Doberman) and on the other by ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my handsome blue eyed mouth’ Alex who totally shafted him from the start.
Claire annoyed Sir Alan so much that I sympathised with him. She is a gobby boot. See you as you get fired next week Claire.
Filed under: life | Tags: arctic monkeys, miles kane, sheffield, sheffield music, the age of the understatement, the last shadow puppets, the rascals
Oooh a real treat on Jools last night. The debut of the Last Shadow Puppets which is a side project of Alex Turner (little monkey that he is) and Miles Kane (Eck’s best mate from The Rascals). I was gonna show you some of their stuff but they seem to be banned from Youtube for copyright reasons, so you’ll have to do with the cover of the album instead.
Supported by a small orchestra, well it wasn’t the Boston Symphonia, they performed “In my Room” which, I have to say, was electric. (Albeit mostly acoustic.)
Alex Turner is a major talent on these shores and I just hope he goes on to prove it and that we (ha ha “we” – I mean of course the music press who love to knock people down as soon as they get up) give him the space to do it. More importantly (in the short term). I just hope that the Jools gig is backed up by the album.
Incidentally, weren’t Portishead strange? Anything but the background music that I’ve been led to believe the forthcoming album is. For my part I can barely contain myself.
Filed under: Uncategorized
it’s not rocket science
Originally uploaded by mark gorman.
gotcha
Filed under: Scotland, humour, life, photography | Tags: Amitville, creepy, horror, house, house of horror, scary
amityville house in South Queensferry. colour
Originally uploaded by mark gorman.
Ref my previous blog. This a colour picture of the aforementioned house. It doesn’t matter whether you opt for mono or colour it’s still the house of the heebie geebies.
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, humour, life, photography | Tags: amityville, horror, house, house of horror, housing, scary
the house at Amityville. (But it’s in South Queensferry)
Originally uploaded by mark gorman.
This creepy house has been unvieled from a covering of trees in the last week. It’s been empty for years and was put up for sale last summer. I was tempted to buy it and do it up. The day I went to view it, it was surrounded by an urban forest, but over a 24 hour period the forest has been removed. I suspect the house may not be far behind and, if so, I will try to chronicle its departure. Yuk.
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, humour, jokes, life, movies, photography, stories | Tags: 5 year drive by (the searchers), art installation, arty farty, douglas gordon, modern art, the searchers, wankiness
At the back of Edinburgh Waverley opposite the Fruitmarket Gallery, said arts establishment has erected an art installation by Douglas Gordon. It’s a screening, on a bespoke screen, of The Searchers slowed down to run over a five year period because that was the timeframe over which the movie ran.
It runs 24/7 but isn’t very visible in daylight.
You’d get through a few popcorns though wouldn’t you. If you watched the whole thing, like
It’s called 5 Year Drive By (The Searchers) and I think it’s rather a good idea, if all a little silly really.
Filed under: Scotland, humour, jokes, life, motors, photography, stories, work | Tags: big cocks, chelsea tractor, lexus, mg, personalised number plates, vanity plates
I was out and about the other day when I spotted this car in front of me.
Now you’d think that because my initials are MG I’d be jealous.
Not a bit of it. Chelsea tractor man might have a personalised number plate…
But I’ve got a personalised Car!
Filed under: Arts, humour, jokes, life, photography, stories | Tags: art, blasphemy, paintings, ymca
