Filed under: Rants, life, politics, us presidential election | Tags: fascism, m negative politicing, mcain, negative, negativity
Hey McCain.
C’mon man. Bitta positivity?
]
Filed under: Rants, humour, life, politics, us presidential election | Tags: consaervatism, fascism, john mccain, mccain, obama, presidential race, US Politics
Surely not?
He is rather right wing.
He does rather dwell on his Vietnam days.
TIME OUT! TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
(SFX: Pandemonium)
America hates/used to hate anything to do with Vietnam.
Here’s how he’s selling the new American Conservatism
624727.
Filed under: Arts, photography | Tags: celebs, portraits, scottish national portrait gallery, vanity fair
Jeana and I went to a brilliant exhibition at The Scottish National Portrait Gallery last week. It’s a celebration of the great photography commissioned by Vanity Fair in its two manifestations from 1913 until the War and then again when it was resurrected in 1983
The list of photographic contributors to the magazine is quite staggering…Alfred Stieglitz, Edward Steichen, Man Ray in the first iteration, and Annie Liebovitz, Helmut Newton (who’s portrait of Margaret Thatcher was for me, the most ironic and best shot in the show – and no she didn’t have her kit off) and Mario Testino (our Diana) amongst others in the later manifestation.
I thought the curation of the show was great too (interesting and readable notes on every shot; by subject and by photographer)
Some of the images, like these, are classics…
Does my bum look big in this?
Do our bums look big in this?
Does my bum look big in this?
does my face look big in this?
Definitely worth the trip.
We bought tickets for Tracey Emin’s show which starts on Saturday and Foto at The Dean Gallery too. Great stuff. Can’t wait.
Filed under: Hibees, Scotland, humour, jokes, life, sports | Tags: brazil, cowdenbeath, fc kaunas, Hearts, huns, Rangers
Cowdenbeath's greatest hits. I wonder if they play this on the tannoy.
So, tonight Rangers failed to put a goal past Hearts’ feeder club, FC Kaunas of Lithuania.
And last night Hibs lost 2 – 0 to Cowdenbeath (the Blue Brazil) following their three previous pre-season non-scoring efforts.
So, Hun or Hibby. It ain’t looking good.
A Jambo guy I know tells me that Hibs also didn’t score in the last five games of the season which, if that’s true means we haven’t found the net in 13.5 hours.
pretty in pink
Once again, I’ve shot a best ever medal round in the midweeker at Dundas Park.
A one under par 69 which is not bad considering I was four over after four holes. But, inevitably, the score masks a tragedy. I was two under after 16 holes which meant a five and a four at the last two holes would have guaranteed I’d be cut to a 17 handicap.
Then the farce kicked in.
Having put my fourth shot to four inches. (Yes! Four inches.)
I missed.
By being sloppy.
I’d already done exactly the same on the fourth hole too so, technically, I really should have shot a 67 and, had I done so, would have finished third.
My long suffering mate, Jon Rough, (poor bastard having to play golf with me – a cross between Victor Meldrew, The Incredible Hulk and very, very occasionally that happy Thai bird from Big Brother) also made a couple of nasty boo boos which would have made him second or third.
However, the good news is that I’ve shot my three best ever medal scores consecutively so I must be peaking. I’ve always been a late developer – my voice didn’t break till I was 17!
I am seriously considering applying to the PGA to play on the European Seniors tour in 2012.
Filed under: Arts, Youtube, advertising, business | Tags: CBS, CBS Outdoor, comedy, R stade, stand upaymond mearns, The stand, Tom
Jeana and I were invited to the annual CBS comedy night at The Stand tonight. As a precursor to the Fringe it showcased a number of acts. Two of which, in particular were cracking.
They were Raymond Mearns, the compere, who is off the scale Connolyesque and Tom Stade, a screamingly funny Canadian.
Take your pick, but they will both make you laugh till your pants are damp. Mearnsey had a poor line in dealing with hecklers. On tackling him I was told to “fuck off specky.” He’d have called me fatty but the fat twat beat me to the pies.
Having said that, I heard the best ‘gag’ of the night from a mate of mine at the bar.
We were talking about Colin, Monty, Montgomery’s fiersome temper and that the Yanks were bating him at Brooklyne in a US Tour event some years ago whilst he was playing alongside Darren Clarke and Lee Westwood. Mainly it involved bearish nonsense until a lone voice of reason piped up from the crowd…”Mr Montogomery?”
“Yes?” he replied clearly relieved that someone in the crowd had a shred of dignity.
“Nice tits!”
Westwood and Clarke fell to the ground crippled with laughter.
Filed under: family, humour, life, stories | Tags: fir, grand pier, pier, pier fire, weston super mare
It would seem that almost everywhere we go on holiday we leave a trail of devastation behind us. Can it just be a coincidence? Just like wherever Katie Adie goes a war seems to break out.
Two years ago, the day after we’d been in Cellardyke, Bird Flu was found in a dead swan in Cellardyke harbour. Last year as we left Praia de Luz Madeliene McCann was abducted, and only ten days ago we were on the Grand Pier in Weston Super Mare. That won’t be happening again in a hurry as it burned down this morning!
Poor old Weston Super Mare. You won't be re-enacting this scene for a while.
It seems this story has gone down well because it appeared on The Guardian blog at 10.45 this morning.
Ouch!
Filed under: Uncategorized
twat
I saw a great old commercial on one of those Jimmy Carr shows last night.
It was from the 50’s or 60’s, and featured some robbing bastard breaking into some unsuspecting poor sod’s house… but the door or window lock has some scary pyrotechnics attached.
The net result?
Kafucingboom!
Burglar shits its pants and justice is done.
You know what?
I approve.
Wish they made them now.
I like this story that my pal, Pat Rodger, forwarded.
A judge has attacked a bizarre trend in New Zealand for giving children strange names as he made a nine-year-old called Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii a ward of court.
Family Court Judge Rob Murfitt listed a series of unfortunate names that he said were embarrassing or made children seem foolish among their peers.
Some names, including Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, were blocked by registration officials, he said.
But others were allowed, including Number 16 Bus Shelter, Midnight Chardonnay, “and tragically, Violence,” the judge said.
The names were mentioned in Murfitt’s decision on a custody battle over the nine-year-old girl from the North Island town of Hawera, who was so embarrassed at the name her parents had given her – Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii – that she never told her closest friends what it was.
She told people her name was “K” because she feared being “mocked and teased,” the girl’s lawyer, Colleen MacLeod, told the court.
This is not the first time that New Zealand authorities have had to intervene over a bizarre baby name. In August 2007, Pat and Sheena Wheaton were told by government officials that they couldn’t name their baby 4Real as it contained a digit. The couple simply reconsidered and re-named their child Superman.
The trend for crazy baby monikers has also extended to Europe. In June 2008, Swedish tax authorities informed a Stockholm couple they must change the name of their 5-month-old baby girl Elvis. Another Swedish family recently won a protracted battle to ensure their daughter was allowed to keep the name Metallica.
My own personal favourite was a girl in Greenock called Aquavita McGlumpha.
Jeana tells me of a couple, Mr and Mrs House, who named their kids Wendy and Maxwell.
Filed under: Arts, gigs, humour, jokes, life, music | Tags: flute and drums, music, orange bands
As some of you might know I play drums in my (Roman Catholic) church music group. It’s a great troop led by a really good and very confident guitarist and keyboard player and supplemented by me on drums and a random selection to be permed from four other guitarists, two flutes, a clarinet, banjo, mandolin, two violins and a cello. Who turns up of a Sunday is unpredictable but the days that Jeff, the lead guitarist, and Sean, the keyboard player, simultaneously no-show are bad ones.
Like this morning.
Although we had three guitarists none of them were confident enough to play without Jeff’s lead, so that left us with two flutes and my drums.
How inappropriate.
I was so tempted to launch into The Sash my Father Wore but I didn’t have the music!
How does it go again?
Filed under: Arts, Youtube, music, videos | Tags: brad albetta, I know you're married but I've got feelings too., martha wainwright
Martha proves she is no stranger to the Fosbury Flop.
Martha Wainwright. Daughter of Loudon, sister of Rufus and daughter of Kate McGarrigle is entitled to be a good singer and she is. Her eponymous first album was one of my favourites of 2005 but her second (irritatingly every music critic in the world now call second albums ‘Sophomore” albums) has not sophomore slumped.
She recently married her bass player and producer, Brad Albetta and the resultant output is a little less hysterical than the standout track from her first album; Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole which was penned as an ode to her father, but it is by no means diluted as she sings about marital infidelity in You Cheated Me which is maybe just a marker for her man.
Her cover of See Emily Play will not be to everyone’s taste but I think it’s great. All the rest are self penned.
Anyway, it’s another belter from Martha and does add another great brick in the Wainwright dynasty’s tower of musical greatness.
Try this for size.
]
Filed under: Arts, life, music | Tags: elbow, manchester, manchester band, manchester music, One day like this, Richard Hawley, the fix, the seldom seen kid
Amy and I saw Elbow support Snow Patrol at Meadowbank a couple of years ago and quickly christened them El Bore. For obvious reasons. So, I was not the most likely convert to this band.
However their stupendous performance of One Day Like this at Glastonbury opened my mind to the possibilities that they are not merely grumpy old Mancs with a one track pedigree.
I also heard their performance of The Fix with Richard Hawley as co-writer and co-vocalist which I liked. So, I took the plunge last week and bought this.
Totally, like, not boring, eh!
The Seldom Seen Kid is a magnificent album. Beautiful, poignant, lush and full of great melodies and outstanding arrangements. It is SO not what I expected and is immediately in the running for my Album of the Year, although it will have to go some to beat Dig Lazarus Dig by Nick Cave.
I cannot praise this record highly enough. Even Jeana likes it.
Filed under: Rants, family, life, photography, stories | Tags: boating, isis, oxford, punt, punting, punting in oxford, punting on the isis, punting on the thames, river, river isis
Punting in Oxford is a centuries old tradition where foppish young lads and pretty maidens gently slide across the lazy currents of the River Isis.
But no, not us. Not The Gormans.
When we go punting on the Isis it’s world war fucking three. Pearl Harbour all over.
First off. Who punts? Well Tom won that battle fairly quickly.
Then there’s the endless stream of supportive punting technique tips from beloved siblings…
“It’s not like that you idiot!”
“Shut it ya rat!”
In fairness, Tom had a reasonable technique, most of the time but seemed to be more succesful when guiding the boat backwards.
Ria, well, this picture disproves the adage tha the camera never lies because she looks in total control. When that was a long long way from the truth.
In fact, to say she was totally crap would be to greatly gild the lily.
Punting joins the list of activities involving hand and eye co-ordination that will not be filling up swathes of her future CV.
Crap punting.
I was peerless.
Like everything in life I do not approach punting in half measures. Gentle drifting downstream does not enter my vernacular. Thrashing the living daylights out of a human speedboat whilst acreering dangerously from bank to bank whilst taking out doting lovebirds drifting in the opposite direction does though.
Oh yes.
“Mark you’re going to hit that tree you idiot.” was oft shouted.
The trip ended with the inevitable.
Ria accidentally splashed Tom by inadvertantly skimmming the oar too shallowly. Which triggered Vesuvius’ eruption, a flurry of retaliatory splashing and viscious snarling, returned with equal violence by Ria and that was that.
Sulk time.
It was oh so blissful for Jeana.
Filed under: Arts, Rants, advertising, humour, jokes, life, photography | Tags: bill posters, crime, new college, new college oxford, oxfiord, oxford colleges, sarcasm, signs, vandalism
In most cities Billposters will simply be prosecuted. And why, what has Bill Poster ever done wrong?
But no, not in Oxford.
No siree.
In Oxford toleration of despoilation is a nunc parat examplar!
Fur fuck sake
Filed under: family, humour, life, photography, science | Tags: alton towers, nemesis, roller coaster
Jeez. One thing we did on holiday was visit Alton Towers. Nemesis is a twenty odd year old rollercoaster but it packs a punch as you can see from Tom and my expressions. (Click on the image for a close up.) Tom’s is most telling because he claims to have no fear at all on these horrorfests.
One of the world's most effective bowel evacuators.
But I do detect closed eyes and pursed lips.
Needless to say Tom and Ria did the lot. I did them all too, Nemesis, Air, Rita Need for Speed – all great but I’m afraid I drew the line at Oblivion.
One step too far.
Even Jeana joined in…
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
Filed under: Hibees, Scotland, football, life, sports | Tags: barcelona, Hearts, Hibs, lionel Messi, the cabbage
Messi; very, very Messi.
Not a particularly good European campaign for the Hibees this summer. Three defeats, no goals scored, a veritable humping from a merely warming up Barcelona under the inspired leadership of Messi. Yes, it was, very Messi indeed.
Mixu was at least honest enough to admit that Hibs were given a real lesson. I wonder if we are about to see the start of the implications of selling 11 or so internationals over the last three years.
Anyway at least the Jambo scum were happy. Gives them five minutes free from contemplation about how their team can survive until the end of the season.
I pity them, I really do.
At least we just got humped. They got raped.
Filed under: Scotland, independence, life, politics | Tags: alex salmond, by election, Glasgow, glasgow east, gordon brown, labour party, Scottish Independence, SNP
Gor blimey. What's gonna go wrang next?
So, as predicted, Alex Salmond has delivered a further body blow to what is appearing to be an increasingly inept Brown government. But it’s hardly a surprise is it. After all Alex was crawling all over Glasgow East on a regular basis wooing the electorate whilst Brown just shuffled about apologetically in an unapologetic way.
OK, it’s a protest vote and not likely to be repeated in a general election, but you cannot argue with Salmond and his very able deputies (Swinney in a role he is far better suited to than leading the party) and Nicola Sturgeon, an articulate and likeable deputy to Salmond.
At this rate he could actually convince the country to vote for independence.
Filed under: Jeana's Gardening, family, life, photography, science | Tags: conservation, eden, eden project
I’ll write more about the Eden Project later, but suffice to say that at the heart of it lies a quite wonderful sculpture of a seed, carved in granite.
It made for a great Carravagio-esque backdrop with a wonderful sultry model.
Kate Moss, eat your heart out.
As usual, Tom and I played out the Holiday Golf Competition for the Algarve Cup; as we fondly call it. Tom, who has smugly been proclaiming his superiority to me of late, got his ass well and truly whipped.
Me 3; Tom 1.
He had his ass tanned at The Braids, Whiteleaf near Princes Risburgh and Thurlestone in Devon. He squeaked his modest victory at Whiteleaf in the first match of the series.
I’m glad to say that I do still officially rock.
Hey Greg Norman, don’t think you’ve got a monopoly on kicking the juniors’ asses.
Filed under: Arts, humour, jokes, life, photography, stories | Tags: weston super mare
We met this freaking radge on the beach at Weston Super Mare last week.
What a “character”.
He danced for us, because that’s what Dancing Ken does.
Filed under: Arts, humour, life, photography | Tags: beach, british, british holidays, weston super mare
One of the highlights of our holiday was a lunchtime stop at Weston Super Mare just South of Bristol where we dropped in en-route to Devon. It’s an absolute microcosm of seaside Britishness as this picture demonstrates.
I’d love to tell you what we christened the place but I’m afraid it might not go down too well in this public forum. You’ll have to ask me personally.
Click on the picture and it’ll take you to my Flickr site with more Weston Super Mare monumentalness. (With the emphasis on ‘mentalness’.)
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’ve been away. But I’m back. Major catching up planned.
Filed under: family, humour, jokes, life | Tags: three hairs past a freckle, time
My poor son, Tom, has missed a little in life.
For instance, when he asked me tonight…”What time is it?” and I answered “Three hairs past a freckle!” he simply didn’t understand what I was talking about.
Everyone knows though that ‘three hairs past a freckle’ is 10.15 and that two moles past a pimple is 10.30.
For the record, three hairs past a pimple is 1.45 and a freckle past a pimple is 5.30.
11 plooks is, obviously, noon and, 6 boils, is midnight.
2 freckles past a rash is 2.30 and an ingrown toenail before a 5 o’clock shadow is six o’clock.
Tssss.
Young people nowadays.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My French pal Helene tells me that Gibberish is a better word if pronounced gibbergibberish.
They’re totally nuts the French.
Apparently it’s all William Shatner’s fault.
They say Leonard Nimmoy was nice to his girlfriend, but William Shatner.
I wonder if she’s peckpeckish when she’s hungry.
Or is it supercalafragalisticexpialiexpialidocious?
Apparently one day we’re getting the Franglish dictionary by Helene Aubrit.
It’s gonna be called the Frangfranglish Dictionary.
There must be if he has the foresight to choose this as his ‘Record of the Week’.
Filed under: sports | Tags: federer, mens singles, nadal, wimbledon, wimbledon 2008, wimbledon mens singles, wimbledon mens singles final
It was one of those “remember where you were” moments.
The most pulsating and stimulating sporting event I can remember.
I can’t recall the last time that we, as a family sat so transfixed by a sporting event.
Thank you both of you.
Well.
Gosh.
This is a different take on old Venus.
I was looking for an image to celebrate her winning Wimbers.
AS I PREDICTED!!!
But didn’t wager.
As per. Worreva.
