gibberish

So, The Apprentice would-bes get sent on a shopping trip to a Souk.

The perfect recipe for lies and ‘espionage’.

For me the episode revolved around Jen and Michael’s total disregard for honesty and decency - a pair of lying twats quite frankly. We’ve oft discussed Jen’s bootishness in the past on this site, but her decision to engulf herself in a pink headscarve only made her look like Miss Piggy on her dabs.

Now she looks like an ex-Apprentice.

Quite right.

(We can put the mirrors back up in the living room again.)

Her decision to try to boycott Team Alpha’s progress by stage whispering a pathetic bribe to a local tennis stringing ace was pathetic and for that reason alone she had to go.

Michael Sophocles survived somehow, despite being a wee wank. He makes Raef (amazingly no twit ups AT ALL this week) look like a normal member of society - in fact I’m beginning to think Raef might even be a contender!

The teams were great. It really was the battle of the boots and assholes versus the normals (and Raef).

Increasingly my money is piling onto Lucinda who put in another good performance. She even let slip a wee “Och” when she slipped running across a shopping centre forecourt in a subconscious attempt to prove that she is indeed a true blue Scot.

Lee’s leadership was mainly based on different ways of exclaiming ‘Fuck!” very loudly and encouraging his team mates to join in. They did. With gusto.

The highlight of the week followed the unravelling of Michael’s pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with Sir Alan by describing himself in his CV as a “good Jewish boy” when in reality he was only “Half Jewish” - which explained why he didn’t know what Kosher was. On hearing this Sir Alan suggesting Michael drop his pants to show if he’d circumcised his plonker.

I think he was just pulling it myself.

Oh and Jennifer got fired too. Fair enough. She was shite.

I’m grateful to Pat Rodger for sending me this little peach.

From the Townsville Bulletin (on Australia’s Gold Coast)

George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go to turn off the light but saw from the porch that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police and explained what was happening; the controller asked

‘Is someone in your house?’

‘No’ he replied.

The response was that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

‘Hello’ he said ‘I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.

Within four minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’

To which George replied, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

Tittyboy Raef kept his profile well below the radar (Yah) until the final seconds this week, when he blew it by being spotted wearing a preposterous pink skinny rib v-neck that only posh folk would be seen dead in as the house awaited the survivors of the eviction coming back.

Clearly Simon (nice but nasty) found himself well out of his depth - surrounded on one side by the barking Doberman that is Claire (by the way what is the difference between a Doberman and a woman with PMT? You can reason with a Doberman) and on the other by ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my handsome blue eyed mouth’ Alex who totally shafted him from the start.

Claire annoyed Sir Alan so much that I sympathised with him. She is a gobby boot. See you as you get fired next week Claire.

Those of you who have been following my discussions with Nationwide Building Society will no doubt be interested in the latest round of this debate. I recieved a letter this morning from a chap further up the food chain in which he stated that my previous letter was “somewhat inappropriate . Whatever the fuck that means. I think actually it meant (fuck off and stop annoying us.) Needless to say it was wholly missing in terms of wit, charm, eloquence and answers. rather it said. We’re passing the buck to Churchill who underwrote the claim. But, of course, I didn’t purchase from Churchill. I purchased from Nationwide who, as we all know are not like the nasty old banks. They’re the good guys, the people’s champions. The only big mutual left

Here’s what I had to say this time round.

17 April 2008

(Name withheld)
Nationwide Building Society
Insurance Claims Department
Kings Park Road
Moulton Park
Northampton
NN3 6NW

Claim No 60980390/01
And CL2152383

Dear (staff name withheld)

I received your letter dated 17 April this morning in which you fail to acknowledge a single point that I made to you in my letter of 11 April to your colleague.

However, you do state that you feel its content was “somewhat inapropriate”.

What does that mean exactly. Do you think it is somewhat innapropriate for me to ask for an explanation as to why either of my claims are not being honoured?

Is there some form of three line whip at Nationwide Building Society whereby staff are taught to stonewall and blank specific, very specific, points made in letters of complaint from their customers.

Actually (staff name withheld), I find your response “somewhat inappropriate”. In fact I find it wholly inappropriate. In fact, I find it dismissive and to be quite honest, timorous.

It’s a bit like you’re saying “Go away you horrible big bully and stop being nasty to us. We don’t know why we won’t pay you. It’s just that the computer says no all the time.”

But I’m afraid I’m not going to go away because (and I’m making an assumption here) I’m in the situation where I’ve paid you insurance premiums for years and my kitchen is burned down and you won’t pay for it to get fixed… and you’re not.

Step outside of the walls of your cosy office in Kings Park Road for a minute, and into the real world, and you might get a hint of why I am not a very happy bunny and why I won’t go away.

So, I’ll ask you again. Could you possibly take the time to explain why you consider payment of half a claim an “Act of goodwill?”

Could you take some time to address my issues?

Could you act in a way which resolves my dispute as opposed to hiding from it?

I note you have opted for the last recourse of the corporation. - hiding behind the Ombudsman. But how can I go to the Ombudsman, as you suggest, when I only have my side of the story? You have given me no reasonable reasons for your refusing to honour my claims.

The point is, I have put forward a case and you have made no defence.

So, please could you defend yourself more effectively - or settle my claim.

I notice that you have passed the buck onto Churchill Insurance, but I didn’t buy it from Churchill Insurance I bought it from Nationwide Building Society. I believe they call that White labelling and I believe my contract (at the very least morally) is with you.

I patiently await your response.

Yours sincerely

Mark Gorman

My sister is in China just now.

She went to the beach on Sunday.

That’s her 257th from the left.

There was a major diversion on Edinburgh’s George Street last week.

Unfortunately it was to Australia.

OK.

The time has came.

My dirty secret is out. BB2007 is actually quite interesting.

The freaks are gone and it’s back to normalish folk.

Liam, the Geordie soft lad, spoke words of great widom tonight.

“You can’t not upset some’dy ‘cos they’re gonna, like, put water oot their eyes.”

Nice. That’s philosophical.

And, to the point.

He then put water oot of Carol’s eyes.