Filed under: big brother, humour, jokes, life, Scotland, stories | Tags: arses, asterisks, bastards, bitch, bloody, bollocks, buggers, censorship, sunday mail, swearing
Last week I shared a great post from Phil Adams about the moronic nature of swearing censorship in our rubbish newspapers.
Today I picked up the Sunday Mail to see how much they’d insult their readers’ intelligence. They did well…
So, hands up if you were unable to work out that Walter Smith was pissed off? If they didn’t want to say “pissed off” why not try something like, say, “furious”.
Now bastards, I’ll grant you, is a little stronger, and yet we get a double whammy on it, “complete bastards” and “horrible bastards” but I don’t think you’ll find the word bastard *******ed out in the OED.
This is a peach. It might be a pain in the arse to play against Hamilton Accies when they are fighting relegation but since when did that constitute swearing? Come on.
I admit it. This one works. It has totally baffled me. Was he calling her a bastard? Odd. Or a Bitch and it’s an ******* typo. Should it have been b**** not b******?
Maybe it’s b******, sorry, bonkers, after all some people take offence at words like that. Buggers? Ballbag? Be-itch (like in America)? Boring? That would offend me. Broody? Bloodys?
No, I’ve got it, it was barbara, and she took offence at the missing capitalisation.
Oh well. Might come back to this one next week.
In between times answers on a postcard as to what Mr McGuire really did report.
I’m intrigued.
There is something about Jade Goody that demands respect. OK it’s easy to knock her apparent obsession with being in the media eye but give her due respect – it is her job, her income stream and she works hard for it.
Jade Goody is a brand and a lot of people like it. Myself included. Sure, it’s not Chanel. She lacks what posh people would call ‘class’ but she has a sense of style that I admire.
She’s dying though.
And here’s the rub. She will get a mixture of praise and shit from the media over what remains of her life and she will command column miles; never mind inches.
But, if you saw her programme, like I did, on Living TV tonight you will know that she is a public figure worthy of respect.
Do you recall, did you see even, what must be her lowest moment on Big Brother when she was co-erced into stripping off? (I think she was duped in a game of strip poker.)
It was sad, and arrogent of her fellow house mates. But I think she has learned a lot since then and not in a way that loses any of her, still, naive charm.
Jade Goody is a good person. Let’s hope what remains of her life touches some hearts and that she dies with dignity and at peace.
Filed under: big brother, life, stories, tv | Tags: big brother 9, davina, rachel
Bless.
Why did Rachel win Big Brother? In what is essentaiially a freak show a freak usually does well. But Rachel is just a kinda ordinary wannabe. This year’s BB was relatively normal in comparison to other years, but the shortlist had its share of annoying twats and suoeregos. The fact that the quiet one won surprised me.
Does it say anything about the great British public I wonder?
In these nervous fiscal times are we more drawn to common sense and realism than showboating and excess?
Who knows. But that wee Rachel. She was nice. So that’s nice. Isn’t it.
Bless
Filed under: advertising, big brother, business, family, politics, Scotland, stories, work | Tags: marketing people, poll, power 100, the Drum, voting
Apparently I am among the 100 most powerful people in Scottish media and marketing! I find that rather amusing. If you don’t believe me follow this link. Better still, cast a vote for me and I might not end up as the 100th most powerful person in Scottish Marketing, which would be decidedly disappointing having made the cut, so to speak – like Scotland reaching the final stages of a major football competition. Remember them?
You will note of course, if you read the small print on the poll, that I was in fact one of the judges. You can be assured that I left the room when my name came up for voting.
(Actually I didn’t, so had to put up with a sustained barrage of slagging and many, many reasons for my non-inclusion before the cheques I had posted to the other judges kicked in and did their job.)
What is also rather amusing is that the most powerful man in marketing, Alex Salmond, was not eligible for inclusion, which thankfully left a wee space for me to squeeze in in 100th place.
Ach, life’s a bitch, then you die.
Filed under: big brother, books, humour, life, stories, tv | Tags: 1984, bb9, big brother, george orwell
Courtesy of The Culture Show tonight I realised that 2008 is the 60th anniversary of 1984. Surely Channel 4 could have made some sort of nod in that direction in BB9′s marketing.
Nah. It’s too moronic.
Filed under: big brother, life, Rants, tv | Tags: bb, big brother, dennis on big brother, gay dennis, spitting
I’ve tried not to watch this. Really I have, and I’ve mostly succeeded, but tonight I watched in horror as the disarmly camp gay guy from Edinburgh was thrown out of the house for gobbing in the face of Mohammed.
Not nice. No, not nice at all.
See ya. Wouldnae wannae be ya.
Filed under: big brother, business, jokes, life, Rants, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: apprentice, sir alan
And now, the end is near and so we face the final curtain.
Regrets, we’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
Indeed.
Life as an Apprentice candidate is little to do with regret and all to do with opportunity.
I thought Paul Whitehouse’s review of Sunday night’s insight into the finalists’ psyche was remarkably close to my own opinion of the veritable tosspottery that this year’s candidates is. And yet, it is the most compelling television that this nation produces.
In effect tonight was the season closer.
It is all too clear that Clur has won. Next week is simply the crowning of the mockit monarch. Surrounded by her working class guard of honour.
The dismissal of Lucinda tonight merely proved the fact that Sir Alan is a class warrior and can’t abide posh. I have been accused through my commentary on this series of being anti-posh but this simply isn’t true. I’ve supported Lucinda throughout – she has a brain after all – but titty-boy Raef and his clueless lover Michael Sophocles gave poshness a bad name.
For posh, read dim – in their cases.
Anyway, the final four at least represents the best of a bad lot.
As discussed, Clur will win handsomely (that was irony). She proclaimed last night that she didn’t want to be a “big fat lemon” which begged the obvious question; “Well, why are you wearing a yellow top then?”
Lee can’t win because he was duped into being
a) a Pterodactyl and
b) a liar (about his education)
in last night’s interviews and is lucky still to be in it.
Helene has dragged herself out of the mire but can’t win because Sr Alan absolutely hates her.
Alex can’t win because he is a wee wankypoo.
“I’m only 24″ he keeps proclaiming. 24 what? I wonder. 24 times the national average irritation factor.
So, it’s Clur all the way for me.
Gobby, lemony, irritating bitch that she is.
We luv u Clur.
(Oh fuck. Big Brother starts tomorrow night.)
Filed under: Arts, big brother, gigs, humour, jokes, life, music, work, Youtube | Tags: lastminute.com
This is a living ad. Great punchline.
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Filed under: Arts, big brother, humour, jokes, life, Rants, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, michael sophocles, sir alan
So, The Apprentice would-bes get sent on a shopping trip to a Souk.
The perfect recipe for lies and ‘espionage’.
For me the episode revolved around Jen and Michael’s total disregard for honesty and decency – a pair of lying twats quite frankly. We’ve oft discussed Jen’s bootishness in the past on this site, but her decision to engulf herself in a pink headscarve only made her look like Miss Piggy on her dabs.
Now she looks like an ex-Apprentice.
Quite right.
(We can put the mirrors back up in the living room again.)
Her decision to try to boycott Team Alpha’s progress by stage whispering a pathetic bribe to a local tennis stringing ace was pathetic and for that reason alone she had to go.
Michael Sophocles survived somehow, despite being a wee wank. He makes Raef (amazingly no twit ups AT ALL this week) look like a normal member of society – in fact I’m beginning to think Raef might even be a contender!
The teams were great. It really was the battle of the boots and assholes versus the normals (and Raef).
Increasingly my money is piling onto Lucinda who put in another good performance. She even let slip a wee “Och” when she slipped running across a shopping centre forecourt in a subconscious attempt to prove that she is indeed a true blue Scot.
Lee’s leadership was mainly based on different ways of exclaiming ‘Fuck!” very loudly and encouraging his team mates to join in. They did. With gusto.
The highlight of the week followed the unravelling of Michael’s pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with Sir Alan by describing himself in his CV as a “good Jewish boy” when in reality he was only “Half Jewish” – which explained why he didn’t know what Kosher was. On hearing this Sir Alan suggesting Michael drop his pants to show if he’d circumcised his plonker.
I think he was just pulling it myself.
Oh and Jennifer got fired too. Fair enough. She was shite.
Filed under: big brother, humour, jokes, life, politics, Rants, sports, Uncategorized | Tags: australia, burglars, burglary, caught red handed, guns, law, law and order, law enforcement, Legal, the police
I’m grateful to Pat Rodger for sending me this little peach.
From the Townsville Bulletin (on Australia’s Gold Coast)
George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go to turn off the light but saw from the porch that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police and explained what was happening; the controller asked
‘Is someone in your house?’
‘No’ he replied.
The response was that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
‘Hello’ he said ‘I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.
Within four minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
To which George replied, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’
Filed under: Arts, big brother, humour, life, photography, politics | Tags: beach, china, crowds
My sister is in China just now.
She went to the beach on Sunday.
That’s her 257th from the left.
There was a major diversion on Edinburgh’s George Street last week.
Unfortunately it was to Australia.
OK.
The time has came.
My dirty secret is out. BB2007 is actually quite interesting.
The freaks are gone and it’s back to normalish folk.
Liam, the Geordie soft lad, spoke words of great widom tonight.
“You can’t not upset some’dy ‘cos they’re gonna, like, put water oot their eyes.”
Nice. That’s philosophical.
And, to the point.
He then put water oot of Carol’s eyes.
