gibberish

Amy has worked incredibly hard for the last year in preparation for her exams and off she slunk at 8.45 this morning for her first Highers exam; English. She’s sitting five in total including Art, Maths, Geography and Chemistry.

Good luck Amy.

If you’re thoughts are turning to the garden and what to plant this year.

Will I have hanging baskets or containers, or will I just stick to cutting the grass?

Why not come along to the Gyle this Saturday or Sunday between 10 am and 4 pm, all activities free of charge.

Carole Baxter of Beechgrove Garden fame is headling up a Flower Power weekend with garden advice and plant clinics. However, more importantly, Suntrap Garden will be there showing you how to plant your hanging baskets and containers.

There will also be lots of activites for the kids with a stilt-walker, table decorations to be made and lots more.

I rather like this ad to encourage kids to cycle to school.  It made me laugh out loud when I saw it.

The target audience, of course, will hate it because they won’t empathise with the geek in the shot.

I think the research was a bit misplaced too because we all know that green and yellow are Catholic School colours (indeed this was my school uniform at Holy Cross) and the ginger hair of the wee lad also has massive catholic symbolism.

Not smart.

Jeana works at Suntrap Garden near Ratho.

So, I’d like to suggest that you make a date in your diary for a trip out for its Open Day on 25th May, 10.30 am - 4.30 pm.  If the weather stays like it is just now it’ll be a fantastic day out in a beautiful spot with money going to charity.

Here’s the link.

These shots were taken last year at the Open day.

If I was a reasonable person, and I’m not - or else you wouldn’t be reading this - I would not slag off twitty Raef at all in this post because the volume of alternative quality material on tonight’s Apprentice leaves him trailing.

But, and it’s a big but, he did say…

“The spoken word is my tool.” (Well, we all know he IS A TOOL, but this was a different take on that thought.)

And

“”Bravo!” after Myleen Klasse’s recital in the house.

And

“”Single people are the forgotten part of society.” (Oh really Raef? How awful for you.)

However, the week’s delights were saved for Kevin Shaw.

Let’s put this all in perspective before we start on the details.

Kevin Shaw is an arse.

For instance he said that he…

“Will do anything to be the most succesful businessman in the world by the time I am 40.”

Which obviously sits squarely with his declaration that

“I always try 150%.” (Not quite sure how one does that actually.)

Kevin Shaw - this is him here…

…put the “laughing at you” into the “I”m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.”

I mean, if this is the cream of British management potential, I am a potential Chelsea player.

The ineptness of his management of the task, which consisted of him authorising the creation of a greetings card to celebrate being green, was unprecedented. Ria, my 13 year old daughter said, (IMMEDIATELY the idea was raised) “You can’t send a green card! It would need to be an e-card because sending a card isn’t green.”

And so did Sir Alan. But ugly Ginger Spice railroaded him into it.

Claire, who accused Kevin of having “short man syndrome” - that’s rich from someone with “ugly boot syndrome” - spent most of the task being nicer than she’s ever been in her life before (she didn’t actually sever anyone’s head during the making of the programme for a start) and, as a consequence, survived.

Oh, it was a goodun.

Great golf week for Tom.

First off he was playing at number three in the team match at the weekend against a six handicapper (Tom’s off 21) and they play off scratch in these matches. Nevertheless, he halved the match having missed a putt from a foot to win. Doh!

Then yesterday he won the first medal of the season (he won three last year at Ratho and three at Dundas, plus another two prizes). The good thing was this medal was also the qualifier for the Dunfermline Building Society sponsored SGU Scottish Junior Masters.

He might now be cut to 19. I’m 18. Yikes!

We finally gave up on the old rubbish dishwasher. It was always leaking and the timer didn’t really work, it often failed to switch itself off at the end of a cycle and could end up washing the dishes all day. I felt there was only so many times you could call the Gas Board out to fix it. (By the way this is the best cover ever for your domestic appliances, they come out on a weekly basis to fix things in this house, if need be.)

So, on Saturday morning, I was doing some weeding in the garden, Mark put the new dishwasher in. There was no swearing, nothing, a very peaceful morning. Mark even managed to lift the old machine into the garden on his own. I was very impressed and told him so.

Then I noticed and said to Mark. “It’s still full of all the dishes.”

“Yeah, but I’ve put the new one in.”

Job done, off he went.

Those of you who have been following my discussions with Nationwide Building Society will no doubt be interested in the latest round of this debate. I recieved a letter this morning from a chap further up the food chain in which he stated that my previous letter was “somewhat inappropriate . Whatever the fuck that means. I think actually it meant (fuck off and stop annoying us.) Needless to say it was wholly missing in terms of wit, charm, eloquence and answers. rather it said. We’re passing the buck to Churchill who underwrote the claim. But, of course, I didn’t purchase from Churchill. I purchased from Nationwide who, as we all know are not like the nasty old banks. They’re the good guys, the people’s champions. The only big mutual left

Here’s what I had to say this time round.

17 April 2008

(Name withheld)
Nationwide Building Society
Insurance Claims Department
Kings Park Road
Moulton Park
Northampton
NN3 6NW

Claim No 60980390/01
And CL2152383

Dear (staff name withheld)

I received your letter dated 17 April this morning in which you fail to acknowledge a single point that I made to you in my letter of 11 April to your colleague.

However, you do state that you feel its content was “somewhat inapropriate”.

What does that mean exactly. Do you think it is somewhat innapropriate for me to ask for an explanation as to why either of my claims are not being honoured?

Is there some form of three line whip at Nationwide Building Society whereby staff are taught to stonewall and blank specific, very specific, points made in letters of complaint from their customers.

Actually (staff name withheld), I find your response “somewhat inappropriate”. In fact I find it wholly inappropriate. In fact, I find it dismissive and to be quite honest, timorous.

It’s a bit like you’re saying “Go away you horrible big bully and stop being nasty to us. We don’t know why we won’t pay you. It’s just that the computer says no all the time.”

But I’m afraid I’m not going to go away because (and I’m making an assumption here) I’m in the situation where I’ve paid you insurance premiums for years and my kitchen is burned down and you won’t pay for it to get fixed… and you’re not.

Step outside of the walls of your cosy office in Kings Park Road for a minute, and into the real world, and you might get a hint of why I am not a very happy bunny and why I won’t go away.

So, I’ll ask you again. Could you possibly take the time to explain why you consider payment of half a claim an “Act of goodwill?”

Could you take some time to address my issues?

Could you act in a way which resolves my dispute as opposed to hiding from it?

I note you have opted for the last recourse of the corporation. - hiding behind the Ombudsman. But how can I go to the Ombudsman, as you suggest, when I only have my side of the story? You have given me no reasonable reasons for your refusing to honour my claims.

The point is, I have put forward a case and you have made no defence.

So, please could you defend yourself more effectively - or settle my claim.

I notice that you have passed the buck onto Churchill Insurance, but I didn’t buy it from Churchill Insurance I bought it from Nationwide Building Society. I believe they call that White labelling and I believe my contract (at the very least morally) is with you.

I patiently await your response.

Yours sincerely

Mark Gorman

Edwyn’s recuperation continues at a remarkable level and I read in the paper today that he is to play Glastonbury.  Coincidentally, can you believe how chuffed I was that a post what I wrote in December last year was stumbled upon by his amazing wife Grace and even merited her comments via my bro-in law Alan McBlane?

If you’re interested here’s the link.

And, to celebrate, here is undoubtedly, to my mind anyway, his finest moment.

This is one of my all time favourite songs.

]

For those of you who have had the misfortune of making an unsuccesful insurance claim of late or who have been following the saga of our two claims from the Nationwide Building Society that spend millions of pounds advertising that they don’t act like the banks who as portrayed in their ads as moneygrubbing scum, this letter that I wrote to them upon our claims being rejected again may be of interest.

11 April 2008

(Name of staff member withheld)
Nationwide Building Society
Insurance Claims Department
Claims Team 1
Kings Park Road
Moulton Park
Northampton
NN3 6NW
Dear (Name of staff member withheld)

I received your letter dated 10 April, never have I read a correspondance so overburdoned with farcical comments and patronising platitudes.

I have made several hundred photocopies of it and tomorrow morning I shall take the train into Edinburgh and place them in various public conveniences in the city centre for people to use when toilet roll runs out as the nonsense that is contained on those two pages ranks alongside Hillary Clinton’s recent misspeaking.

Actually wiping one’s anus with those letters places them on a category higher than the contents really deserve, but at least whilst the user is waiting to apply the paper to the job in hand they might have a right good laugh reading Nationwide’s authorised tosh.

I will not take the Mondial claim any further because you seem to have found a neat get out clause. But, just for the record I will once again remind you that we did not inform you of my father’s condition because he was not in the travelling party, none of the travelling party was unfit and more importantly, as I have told you and Mondial on numerous occassions, two consultant’s told us, indeed recommended to us, that we went on holiday, post diagnosis. We were told my father had six to nine months to live, and that the holiday would be important for us to build up a bit of energy for what lay in store later in the year.

The holiday was three weeks after the diagnosis and so, acting on their advice, we confirmed that we would travel and booked the insurance.

But it is your job as insurers to unearth the most appropriate terms and conditions to invalidate a claim.

So, hey, you win.

Well done.

Sleep well tonight.

Your thoughts were so touching and comforting when you said in your letter

“I am sorry that I cannot bring you more welcome news in such a difficult time for you.”

Awww, bless.

And if you’re looking for a good place for your summer holidays try Lagos in Portugal. It’s lovely. But expensive for four days!

Now. The kitchen claim. That’s a different matter entirely and it ain’t job done “screwed another sucker behind the façade of a nice letter” yet.

I do not accept your findings and do not find your “goodwill” gesture.

Goodwill?

Goodwill is doing the job. Actually, no it isn’t. Goodwill is doing more than the job.

How dare you suggest that replacing half a kitchen is goodwill.

Can you begin to fathom how insulting, patronising, cheap, tacky and irritating the use of that word in the context of this situation is? No? Well I’ll tell you.

It is very insulting patronising tacky and irritating.

Goodwill is honouring more than your side of the bargain.

And lest it is unclear let me spell out to you what that bargain is.

Step 1 Our house goes on fire (not part of our plans that Saturday in dim and distant January, not part of the plans at all. Oh no; that was definitely one of the things most of us would plan not to do.)

Step 2 We discover part of our kitchen is burned

Step 3 Loss adjuster visits, agrees with us and signs off our claim

Step 4 Replacement parts for the damaged area of the kitchen cannot be sourced therefore our entire kitchen is rendered damaged. I think it’s called a write off in insurance parlance. It’s just like if you crash the front part of your car and it is irrepairable (like our kitchen) the car is written off and you’re required to replace the whole car. Not cut off the back end and weld on a new front end. That would be silly.

Step 5 You ignore this technicality and spend the next 4 months conjuring up reasons to only pay for half the kitchen as an “act of Goodwill”. I don’t want half a kitchen (Name of staff member withheld) I want a whole one. Just like I don’t make half an insurance premium payment I make a whole one.

It really is very, very simple.

Step 6 You see my point. (at last) You stop acting like half the cost of kitchen will bring Nationwide Building Society to its knees (you’ve got a credit crunch to do that) and act like a courteous, mutual society – not like corporate, moneygrubbing nincompoops.

Step 7 I convince the friend of mine who had £75,000 in savings in your organisation but moved it away upon hearing of my story, to move it back again – as an act of “goodwill.”

Come on (Name of staff member withheld). This is just silly. I don’t want to shell out half of the cost of a new kitchen. I just want my old one back the way it was. But it’s been discontinued. That’s unfortunate. That, frankly is your problem.

Assuming you see the error of your ways and steps 5 – 7 unfold I will not have to bring in the insurance ombudsman and I will go round the cubicles of Edinburgh’s Public Conveniences and uplift the aforementioned bogroll.

Oh, and you may have noticed that as an ”act of goodwill” I have refrained from swearing at any point in this letter.

Yours sincerely

Mark Gorman

While I was a regular visitor to St Columba’s Hospice seeing my Dad I posted this.

“If I had some eggs, we could have ham and eggs; if I had some ham.” my Uncle Christopher declared this afternoon.

Wise words.

But my mother violently disagreed with this because she retorted

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham; if we had some ham.”

Not sure about that. In fact it’s total bollocks - because what she really meant to say, and did, was…

“If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs; if we had eggs.”

You know what…

…I don’t give a monkey’s uncle!

My first draft said “I don’t give a flying fuck” but I thought I should be more thoughtful and sensitive than that.

Anyway, the way tinternet works it has become a strangely popular post, having been read 500 or so times by people googling this lame image, which was the image I nicked to put in the original post. Strange .

May I introduce you to the Tiger Woods of South Queensferry?

One tournament played in the 2008 season.

One victory.

Yes, I am that good. I may have a late developing career as a professional golfer because today I, dear reader, won the opening day Texas Sramble at Dundas Parks with my team members, Paul, Calum, Trisha and Ewan.

In a nine hole contest we shot six pars and three birdies which, after deducting our handicap of ten, gave us a net score of 22 (13 under par)..

Eat shit Tiger. When did you last shoot 13 under par?

Tom had to sit watching (total loser) as we walked elegantly and dignified to the stage to receive our trophy. A bottle of Scotmid Red Wine and six quid.

Whoo hoo.

Gerritrightupya.

What a laugh we had last night. The Mrs , myself and Ria. The Apprenice is, in so many ways, the greatest thing on British TV.

It’s about class first and foremost - and anyone who enjoys the programme and disagrees is kidding themselves.

It’s about emotion.

It’s certainly funny.

It’s about arrogence.

It’s about banal stupidity and therefore viewer superiority.

It’s about good versus evil.

It’s about double guessing Sir Alan.

It’s about Margaret and Nick.

It’s about life.

It is life affirming.

Oh, I love it so much. It makes me laugh so much I could cry.

But last night (week one) it was most certainly about class. Working class hero Alex, and team leader, versus a couple of fucking toffs. (You can probably see where I’m coming from on this one).

The Apprentice, is visceral television. One (you) has (have) to scream at the screen because the antics are so outstanding.

So, surprise, surprise I was shouting for the adequate Northern (and educated) team leader in favour of the useless twat (and educated), toff pricks, who let their team down.

Nicholas Delancey- Brown and Raef Byanyu to be precise.

Can you really, honestly see Raef Byanyu on the shop floor with Sir Alan. No, don’t be bloody ridiculous. He is a twit. A big bally twit. Twitty twit, twit, that’s what I bally say!

And as for Nick Delancy whatsisname, he’s back to Arsingale-on-Bandit on the first ruddy limo that he could find.

Being superiorly inferior.

See ya. Woudnae wanna be ya!

all the world’s a stage

Originally uploaded by mark gorman.

my dad doing what my dad did best. basically showing off . Found this shot in Jane’s house on Easter Sunday and fiddled about a bit in photoshop with it.

A new family just moved into our street and they’re a bit wierd. I got a few snaps of the Dad who has a pure Napoleon complex…

The kids don’t look right at all.

Amy did a hat modelling assignment recently for Joyce Paton who has a hat and corset shop in the Ferry.

We liked this one.

The cheetah-protecting sheepdog in South Africa named after my dad.  Still a pup but getting pretty huge.

Mark,  my mum  and I went off to watch Ria in her gymnastics competition at Perth last weekend.

Mark always enjoys it.

As you can see from last year’s photo here.

We’ve been hooked on the dugs. But mostly the highlight has been everytime Peter Purves and Co say “look at that bitch” Tom and Ria have wet themselves.

We unanimously went for the Beagle. Jeana liked the Giant Schnauzer even if she insisted that it was a Labradoodle - just because it was black.

Any way the winner was the Giant Schnauzer.

James McLaughlin sent me this photo that one of his pals on blipphoto took yesterday.

It seems my Dad has taken up painting.

Because it’s surely him!