Filed under: Arts, creativity, gigs, humour, jokes, life, politics, Rants, Scotland, swearing | Tags: Scottish Independence, alex salmond, rant, kraftwerk, http www youtube, UKIP, Nigel Farage, Glastonbury 2-13 T in the Park 2013
I love these and I’ve done a few now.
This one’s about Nigel Farage. Known locally as a Nigel Cockend.
But this one’s rather more sympathetic. It’s a Kraftwerk rant.
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour, jokes, language, Rants | Tags: Blog writing, planet Blog, professional blog writing service, professional blogging, SEO
Here’s a little something I created this morning for my professional blog writing company www.planetblog.co.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, family, humour, life | Tags: fct, forth childrens theatre
Instead of doing my work this morning I made this instead. It’s an FCT in- joke but it made me laugh doing it. I hope you enjoy it.
I hope no-one takes offense. None intended.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, liberal, life | Tags: Ben Lewin, catholic guilt, dignity, disability, disability in the movies, disabled sex, Helen Hunt, iron lung, John Hawkes, oscars, polio, quadriplegic, religion, religious barriers, sex before marraige, The Sessions, William H macy
This is a remarkable hidden gem of a movie directed with grace and understatement by Ben Lewin, a 67 year old director whose career has little in the way of highlights or recognition. Until now that is.
His main protagonists, John Hawkes who was Oscar nominated for Winter’s Bone, Helen Hunt (who won one for As Good as it Gets) and William H Macy (Fargo nomination) tell a story as touching as any you will ever see that tries to make sense of whether sex out of wedlock as a (disabled) Catholic can be tolerated by those of great faith.
The good news? It can.
What makes this trio of understated performances so remarkable is that they are all so extreme, yet constrained.
Firstly, John Hawkes (Mark) plays a 38 year old quadriplegic (a consequence of childhood polio), with a fine sense of humour, who lives 21 hours a day in an iron lung and desires nothing more than to have full penetrative sex and yet does not turn the role into a freakshow.
Secondly, Helen Hunt spends much of the movie completely naked (as brave as it gets at 49) teaching Mark how to suck her nipples effectively, perform passable cunnilingus and generally satisfy her and himself – she’s a sex therapist.
And thirdly, William H Macy plays a cool dude Catholic priest that assumes the role of God, granting Mark the dispensation to get his rocks off free from the guilt of mortal sin.
What’s more, the supporting cast all put in excellent and mostly touching shifts that add to the overall quality of the movie.
It’s in places hilarious (although Seth MacFarlane would hardly agree), breathtakingly taboo (without offending anyone – including the four pensioners sat behind us) and moving.
What makes it work so wonderfully is what it doesn’t do or say. Whilst issues surrounding morality must sit full square at the centre of the (based on true) story it’s not hammered home. It makes no judgement and that’s in no small part down to the skill of director Lewin.
Very few people have seen this movie, more’s the pity, and the screening we saw was achingly badly attended. Nonetheless it cost only $1m to make and grossed a modest (but profitable) $5m in the US. I think it’s a sleeper of potentially Sideways proportions that will, over time, make the funders very large returns as its absolute honesty and sincerity wins it advocates like me.
Anne Hathaway is unbettable for Best Supporting actress at this year’s big hooley and she is by a distance the best thing about Les Miserables, but it’s a cameo role. This, on the other hand, is a career defining moment for Hunt who would win every day in my book. And I may indeed have a small wager on her at 25/1.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, movies | Tags: african american slavery, black slaves, Django unchained movies, entertainment, ku klux klan, oscars, quentin Tarantino, Samuel L Jackson, spaghetti western
I’m not qualified to comment on the historical authenticity of Quentin Tarantino’s fully committed depiction of black American slavery in 1858 but I’m as qualified as anyone else to share with you why I, personally, think this is another significant contribution to one of the greatest movie directing careers of all time.
With Django (the D’s silent you know) Tarantino cements his position in the top 10.
This is epic, just as Kill Bill (1 and 2) was, and proves that long movies don’t have to be padded out indulgences. It grows in its impact with every scene and ends up a classic.
Spike Lee has problems with the depiction of slavery and I have to respect that as I, like Tarantino, am Caucasian. At times it does seem to mock the plight of America’s black slaves but I feel sure that Samuel L Jackson (virtually unrecognisable) and Jamie Foxx saw more than a wage in choosing to star in it and I’m sure too that the judges of the Black Reel Awards which have given it six nominations are qualified to judge it on its merits as opposed to its politics.
Although described as a (spaghetti) western this is really a movie about slavery and not since ‘Roots’ has African American slavery been so prominently featured on screen. Tarantino does not shy away from the subject matter or the vernacular of the time. “Nigger” is used over 100 times in the script and not just by the slaves. I had to refer to my copy of Filthy English: The How, Where, When and What of Everyday Swearing by Pete Silverton to establish whether or not MotherF@£$%er was currency in 1858 but there is evidence that points to its validity. Just as well, because Samuel L J can’t really get through a movie without saying it repeatedly and he does so again, liberally.
There’s an early scene in which predecessors of the Ku Klux Klan hunt down Jamie Foxx, the freed slave and “black man on a horse!” who is bounty hunting with ex Dentist, Dr King Schultz (played entirely idiosyncratically by Christoph Waltz), their depiction is so funny that one has to question whether or not it’s really acceptable to laugh so uproariously at a subject matter so taboo; but that’s Tarantino’s gift. It’s also his gift to spoof genres, mock convention (and history) mount lavish killing sprees and generally have a grand old time no matter the subject matter and that’s why we love him so.
Django is great fun, some say it’s too long but for me the movie simply got itself into a place (a little slowly I’d say) that fans of Tarantino would want to stay for hours.
Leonardo Di Caprio has not been this good since The Departed, (strangely not an Oscar nomination) and Jamie Foxx acquits himself well in a low-key, black Eastwood type performabnce. But it’s Waltz that dominates in the acting stakes and his Oscar nod is fair reward. There’s only one Chrisoph Waltz that’s for sure (and there’s plenty of it if you care to look – 101 acting roles to date to be precise.)
So, a little flawed (the start fails to quickly engage in gear) but unique and brilliant. Go see it and forget the politics. It’s a movie.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, football, humour, life, Scotland, sports, stories, Uncategorized | Tags: arthur seat, celtic fc, Chips'n'cheese, easter Road stadium, Edinburgh, Edinburgh View, Edinburgh's Greatest Football Team, Hibees, Hibernian FC, Ian McAteer, Leith, Sunshine on Leith, The Bhouys, the hoops, the union
Advertising supremo, Iain McAteer, of The Union was climbing Arthur Seat on a chill but not Arctic New Year’s day.
The hike was an attempt to wash the bitter taste of the defeat (and too much red wine) of his beloved Chips’n'cheese-eating, potato picking, football team to the (ex) purveyors of the beautiful game, the mighty Hibernian FC from his mouth.
He turned to take in the glorious view and was rewarded with this stunning vision.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, life | Tags: gay music, kate McGarrigal, Krystle warren, pop, rufus wainwright, teddy thomson, Usher Hall edinburgh
Jeana and I saw Rufus Wainwright at the Usher Hall last night and he was very good in parts. His piano based torch singing always hit the mark but the sound for his full band numbers was sometimes mixed a little to murkily losing the power of his vocals. Anyway the highlight of the evening was the performance of two Kate McGarrigal numbers by members of Wainwright’s backing band as a tribute to his departed mother.
One by the uniquely voiced Krystle Warren.
The other by the imperious Teddy Thomson (son of Richard and Linda).
The night ended in a Bacchanalian gay orgy involving members of the audience angels, death, Wainwright in a togo all lubed up and a singing sandwich. You had to be there. Terrific fun. For me this number was the highlight of Rufus’s set.
Filed under: creativity, humour, life | Tags: fear of clowns, fear of santa
As demonstrated vividly by my pal Jackie’s son Tom.
(He’s 18 now)
His Mum (the seemingly lovely Jackie in her public persona) apparently brings the photo out every year and the whole family piss themselves laughing. It certainly made my night when I saw it for the first time.
I, frankly, empathise with the Gregory Peck’s
Filed under: creativity, cycling, humour, life | Tags: 801 dalmeny, arse, bad ass, cycling, cycling awards, good ass, rear of the year, rear of the year 801 dalmeny
I am, after only 6 weeks or so as a rider with 801 Dalmeny, the proud recipient of an award that surely made Felicity Kendall’s career back in the 70′s. Perhaps this marks the beginning of a lucrative modelling career to add to my list of occupational dalliances.
Filed under: advertising, creativity, humour | Tags: national sarcasm society, sarcasm
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, movies, music | Tags: (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), 007, adele, Ben Wishaw, bond, Bond 007, Bond Skyfall, daniel craig, james bond, Javier Bardem, Sam Mendes, Skyfall
To begin with I must state that I am NOT a Bond fan. But I have an open mind and of all the Bond movies I’ve seen in my time (many) I have to say that I thought Daniel Craig’s Casino Royale was probably my favourite. I chose not to see Quantum of Solace; a movie with a name as ridiculous as that had to be hiding something and it seems my gut feel was right given its poor reviews. But Skyfall seemed different. Certainly the advance reviews have been excellent and so I turned up on opening weekend willing to be impressed.
This is, by some margin, the finest Bond film I’ve ever seen. Although it has its faults (it’s a little too long) it scores points in nearly every department; the acting is universally excellent, The plot and script suitably overblown but flecked with humour and humanity throughout. Outrageous chases and set pieces (the rooftop motorbike chase just about winning price for most audacious chase scene I’ve ever seen).
But it’s what lies at the soul of this film (and it really does have a soul) is the cast. In particular we see the cloth lifted on what motivates Bond, his back story and in particular his upbringing. It’s this that starts to flesh out his (and more unexpectedly Javier Bardem’s) relationship with M who although as feisty as ever actually develops into quite a sympathetic and interesting subplot.
The film is excellently directed (by Sam Mendes!) with a theme (yes a Bond movie with a “theme”) about age and the battle between tradition and modernity running through it like a stick of rock (occasionally clunkily so). This allows the production team to have great fun with old Bond gadgetry (and music) alongside the very latest in technology – an obfuscated living data network being at its centrepiece which allows a new and ridiculously young looking (he’s actually 32) Q to be introduced in the shape of Ben Wishaw (Perfume).
But its Daniel Craig’s complete mastery of Bond as a character that is setting the movie industry into overdrive and not surprisingly. In the movie, in tune with the theme of age and aging, he’s almost not fit for purpose having “taken one for the team” possibly once too often. He’s on the verge of breakdown at the movie’s outset and takes the requisite, and to be expected, barrage of beatings as it unfolds, emerging at its denoument just about in one piece and ready for action with whatever lies in store in the next instalment. It’s an interesting dimension and works well with Judi Dench’s excellent central performance as M.
Craig is the complete Bond. Rugged, handsome, athletic, suave but with more steel than any since Connery and, to my mind, he’s a better actor than Mishter Cool himself.
As the face of not one but two major film franchises (The Girl with…) he’s solid gold and, for my money, worth every penny of it.
I also like Adele’s theme music.
Filed under: creativity, humour | Tags: Donald Trump hair static, Trump, Trump hair, Trump hair and balloon joke
Truly magnificent waggishness from Scotland.
Let’s get a little closer shall we?
Filed under: bbc, creativity, humour, life | Tags: americanisms, BBC News Magazine, britishisms, etymology, language
I found this amusing piece on Britishisms that have been adopted in North America in the BBC News Magazine website and it got me thinking what Americanisms we have adopted in return. Any suggestions?
I don’t see “sidewalk” coming along anytime soon (although “Anytime soon” has crept in) in place of pavement. But “cab” sits comfortably alongside “taxi”in our daily vernacular.
We’ll always “queue” rather “stand in a line”.
I just can’t see” pants” replacing “trousers”. (“Strides” even.)
But “have a nice day” is increasingly common; “hell yeah” (see what I did there?)
“Bullshit” is now commonplace as is “MF” over here. But from what I can see our love of the C word has not crossed the Atlantic particularly readily.
“Wassup” remains resolutely American despite Budweiser’s best attempts to globalise it.
And if “later” or “laters” does take root in the UK I will have to kill myself.
Anyway. Let’s share our thoughts on this one so that I can create an article as good as the one below…
Autumn, n. The season between summer and winter. “‘Autumn’ is being used a lot more now instead of ‘fall’.” Alan, New York, US
Bloody, adj. and adv. An intensifier: absolute, downright, utter. Sometimes in a negative sense. “There have been several instances where I’ve heard the term ‘bloody’ in regular conversation. I understand the urge to say it in certain situations, but I react with a jolt when I hear it. It just seems so… indecent. The use of ‘bloody’, in my view, is iconically British. When Americans try to use it, I think they’re trying to sound like Michael Caine. I feel it’s a deliberate contrivance to associate themselves with some perceived prestige in sounding British. Some Americans think that by saying ‘bloody’ everybody will assume that they have four more IQ points than everyone else. It’s understandable. And completely true.” Marshall McCorcle, Dallas, Texas, US
Bum, n. The buttocks or posteriors (slang). “I have seen an increasing use of ‘bum’ for a person’s backside here, both from local friends and from Americans on the web. While I am still perfectly fine with sitting on my butt, everyone else is getting all fancy talking about their bums.” Jim Boyd, Des Moines, Iowa, US
Chav, n. Pejorative term to express young person who displays loutish behaviour, sometimes with connotations of low social status. “The word ‘chav’ is starting to catch on in the US, thanks to YouTube videos. I overheard someone say, ‘Nah I’m not buying those sneakers man, they are so chavvy’ at a sports retailer.” Jeff Bagshaw, US
“Chav is becoming rather noticeable as a few Americans understand that not ‘all British people are posh’. Boston/Cambridge is rife with international college students, so it may just be a blip, but I’ve heard it in a suburban grocery store in reference to some hooligans outside the store.” Elaine Ashton, Lexington, Massachusetts, US
Cheeky, adj. Insolent or audacious in address; coolly impudent or presuming. “I have loved using the word cheeky for about 10 years now.” Daniel Greene, Phoenix, Arizona, US
“Sometimes the British expression just says it better. I particularly like ‘cheeky monkey’.” G Griffin, Wethersfield, Connecticut, US
Cheers, sentence substitute. A drinking toast, goodbye, or thanks. “I am hearing people say goodbye to each other with the British ‘cheers’. Since I have always had a fondness for the Brits and things British, I enjoy hearing it instead of the worn out ‘later’ or ‘see ya later’. Like it or not, the Yanks and the Brits are cousins, and that’s that. Cheers!” Paul Phillips, Marblehead, US
“Use of the word ‘cheers’ in place of ‘thank you’ is on the rise, perhaps among young people who have spent time with British people.” Roddy McCalley, Joshua Tree, California, US
Fancy, v. With reference to fondness or liking. “Our US friends really enjoyed fancied, as in ‘she fancied him’, and an item, as in ‘are you two an item?’.” David Fryer, Muscat, Oman
“Fancy, as in I really fancy a pint.” Paul W, New York City, US
Flat, n. An apartment on one floor of a building. “Just as British people are increasingly calling (particularly posh) flats ‘apartments’, my American friends report that property developers are now selling ‘flats’ in order to make them sound grander than they are.” Beth, London
Frock, n. A girl’s or woman’s dress. “Until very recently, ‘frock’ only appeared in North America in British books. I first read it in the Narnia series. No-one ever said it, and no-one ever used it in print. No-one outside of readers of British literature would even have known what it meant. Now I see it in print media about fashion all the time. This just started happening in perhaps the past five years, certainly no more than 10 years.” Lee Boal, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Gap year, n. A year’s break taken by a student between leaving school and starting further education. “We didn’t do gap years much until recently, so we didn’t have our own term for it other than ‘year off’. The point of language is to communicate. If a new word or term fills a – sorry – gap, then it doesn’t matter where it’s from.” Alden O’Brien, Washington DC, US
Gobsmacked, adj. flabbergasted: struck dumb with awe or amazement. “I left the UK for the US more than 40 years ago. I first heard the word ‘gobsmacked’ about 10 years ago while visiting the UK. Perhaps because of the popularity of the programme Top Gear in the US, I now hear this used in the US.” Duncan Connall, Rhode Island, US
“I heard President Obama use the word ‘gobsmacked’. How’s that for a Britishism?” Stuart Hamilton, North Vancouver, Canada
Holiday, n. A period in which a break is taken from work or studies for rest, travel, or recreation. “As a child I read Enid Blyton, and as an adult I was pleased to notice, at least in advertising, the use of the word ‘holiday’ to replace the less preferable, in my opinion, ‘vacation’.” Vicki Siska, Fort Collins, Colorado, US
Innit, adv. A contraction of isn’t it? Used to invite agreement with a statement. “I can’t stop saying ‘innit’ – it’s the perfect sort of (‘sort of’ in this usage is also a popular Britishism) ending to an informal declarative statement.” Carolyn, Las Vegas, US
Kit, n. A collection of personal effects or necessities. “I’ve noticed the adoption of the British term ‘kit’ for what athletes wear, in the place of what we Americans would generally call a ‘uniform’ or ‘gear’. I notice it among those who follow tennis closely. People will refer to a player’s ‘kit’, which often changes several times a year depending on the surface.” Ana Mitric, Richmond, Virginia, US
Knickers, n. An undergarment for women covering the lower trunk and sometimes the thighs and having separate legs or leg-holes. “My American friend just recently said ‘I got my knickers in quite a twist’. I was amazed she didn’t say ‘panties’.” Nadine, Seattle, Washington, US
Loo, n. An informal word for lavatory. “Many of my friends now call the restroom ‘the loo’, although they haven’t converted to saying ‘loo-roll’ – it’s still toilet paper. Funny, since most of us won’t say ‘toilet’ for the American ‘bathroom’.” Heather Revanna, Colorado, US
Mate, n. A friend, usually of the same sex: often used between males in direct address. “It seems that Yanks enjoy English swear words but I don’t believe British people are using typical Americanisms. I’ve never heard a Englishman say ‘dude’ but I am hearing Americans say ‘mate’. I also don’t believe British people are so overtly conscious of foreign influence as much as Americans care to be, especially in the Midwest.” Paul Knight-Kirby, Rockford, Illinois, US
Mobile, n. Short for mobile phone; a portable telephone that works by means of a cellular radio system (‘cellphone’ or ‘cell’ in standard American English). “I think the use of ‘mobile’ is a consequence of more international travel and wanting to be understood. I use mobile while elsewhere and it is creeping into my US-based language as well.” Stuart Friedman, Middlesex, Vermont, US
Muppet, n. A stupid person; from the name for the puppets used in the TV programme The Muppet Show. “I am a Brit living in Idaho. One of the biggest Britishisms I see, and have helped perpetuate, is the term ‘muppets’ to refer to brainless individuals. I love this term as it conjures images of the loveable Muppets but in reference to a person it definitely conveys a lack of intelligence or substandard education. In this state there are plenty of ‘muppets’.” George Hemmings, Idaho, US
Numpty, n. A stupid person. “I have heard ‘numpty’ many times in the last few years. I get the impression that our American interpretation is more good-natured than it might be in the UK. It’s used when calling a friend a numpty when he does or says something silly. Perhaps this is because there is a ‘cuteness’ to the pronunciation of the word.” Jeffrey Timmons, Mayville, Wisconsin, US
Pop over, v. Come by for a visit. “Recently, I’ve heard the phrase ‘pop over’ used by several different people. (‘Why don’t I just pop over and pick them up?’).” Susan Moore, Indio, California, US
Proper, adj. Appropriate or suited for some purpose. “I picked up the British use of ‘proper’ (as in ‘a proper breakfast’) while completing graduate work at Oxford in the mid-2000s. I hadn’t realised just how prevalent it was in my own speech until a coworker asked me this year if it was a North Dakota thing, as that is the state where I grew up. It’s definitely not a North Dakota thing.” Jacquelyn Bengfort, Washington, DC, US
Queue, n. and v. A line of people, vehicles, etc, waiting for something. “In the ‘queue’. More online forms and automated voice responses to banking transactions say ‘queue’ instead of ‘line’. I’m guessing that it makes more sense to use it because people aren’t actually standing in a line if they’re on the phone.” Guy Hait, Chesterfield, Michigan, US
“When I was in New York and waiting with an American friend to get into a bar, I called it a queue. She told me that in the US it was called a line. However, she commented that ‘queue’ was becoming more common because of the use of the term ‘printer queue’ in computing.” David, Worcester
Roundabout, n. A road junction in which traffic streams circulate around a central island. “‘Roundabout’ is the official word used to describe the traffic circle that was recently completed in our rather small city. Many feel that this sounds pretentious. I am originally from California where we used the term ‘traffic circle’.” Beth, Bartlesville, Oklahoma, US
Row, n. and v. A noisy or violent argument, a quarrel with someone. “My husband and I often use the word ‘row’, most likely because we’ve heard it so often on public television. We think of it as a very common word among the Brits (like ‘bloody’) and we both assumed that most other people would recognise both the word and its meaning. Recently, my husband (who is very Southern and not bookish at all) used ‘row’ in a conversation with a buddy, only to learn that the friend had never even heard the word. We were astonished.” Catherine Graves, Georgia, US
Shag, v. To copulate with. “You guys missed the best one. ‘Shag’ is such a brilliant word and Brits cringe because of the vulgarity of it, while Americans don’t realise exactly how rude it is and run around saying it like a toddler repeating Daddy’s accidental swear word slip. I love it when you guys cringe over us picking up your words.” Leona, Oxford
“Thanks to Austin Powers, many Americans are familiar with the word ‘shag’, but don’t seem to realise how truly coarse it is. It’s used in polite society, and used to shock me, but now I accept the fact that usage differs in UK/US.” Linda Michelini, Port Orange, Florida, US
Skint, adj. Penniless, broke. “To hear terms like ‘skint’ for being broke, ‘agony aunt’ for opinion columnists, or ‘yobbo’ for upstart children has surprised me. Such words would never have been heard in this part of the world until only two or three years ago. There are only minor UK and Irish ex-pat communities over here, so to have this sudden and growing use of Britishisms is a linguist’s delight.” Anthony Hughes, Omaha, US
Sussed, v. To work or figure out; to investigate, to discover the truth about (a person or thing). “My favourite Britishism has to be ‘sussed’ – ‘I finally sussed out what he was talking about’, ‘leave them alone, they’ll suss it out on their own’. I use it a lot and I always seem to have to explain it to people, then a few days on, I’ll hear them using it and explaining it. It’s a word/phrase that gets used often in my close circle of friends now.” Bonnie Lee, Portland, Oregon, US
Twit, n. A fool; a stupid or ineffectual person. “It seems to me the word ‘twit’ – a Britishism heard on Monty Python – is being used more frequently here in the US.” Rachel Newstead, Appleton, Wisconsin, US
Wonky, adj. Shaky or unsteady. “Some Britishisms that I have used include ‘wonky’, ‘bung’, and ‘snarky’. They’re fun, innit? It’s hard for me to notice hearing these words in the US, because I talk to so many Brits online, so they sound normal now.” Anne E, Pittsburgh, US
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour | Tags: Bodyform, facebook
After years of skydiving and rollerblading Bodyform are forced to admit what “the Curse” is really like.
It’s a response to a facebook post that soon went viral.
Here’s what it said…
“Hi , as a man I must ask why you have lied to us for all these years . As a child I watched your advertisements with interest as to how at this wonderful time of the month that the female gets to enjoy so many things ,I felt a little jealous. I mean bike riding , rollercoasters, dancing, parachuting, why couldn’t I get to enjoy this time of joy and ‘blue water’ and wings !! Dam my penis!! Then I got a girlfriend, was so happy and couldn’t wait for this joyous adventurous time of the month to happen …..you lied !! There was no joy , no extreme sports , no blue water spilling over wings and no rocking soundtrack oh no no no. Instead I had to fight against every male urge I had to resist screaming wooaaahhhhh bodddyyyyyyfooorrrmmm bodyformed for youuuuuuu as my lady changed from the loving , gentle, normal skin coloured lady to the little girl from the exorcist with added venom and extra 360 degree head spin. Thanks for setting me up for a fall bodyform , you crafty bugger”
I suspect this response will go more viral.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, life, music | Tags: glasto, glasto line, glastonbury, glastonbury line up announced
Credit to @TechnicallyRon on Twitter
Filed under: cycling, humour, Scotland, sports, stories, Uncategorized | Tags: 801 Dalment cycle club, Cleish Hill, Scottish Cycling
It would seem I have failed to understand, pretty much fundamentally, the fashion code for serious cyclists as this excerpt from the very amusing 801 Dalmeny blog suggests
“Newbie Mark G compounded multiple violations of the rules (mountain bike, trainers, camelbak, raybans, mudguards, panniers, pants showing through lycra shorts…) with a milky coffee choice and boiled eggs with soldiers.”
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, movies | Tags: comedy, drama, entertainment, gaming, society, Ted
I’m not going to dwell on this .
Ted is so funny you actually have to look behind you to check if anyone else in the cinema is actually phoning the police to report you for having thoughts that are
c) socially unacceptable
The good news though is that between the bits where it is so funny that you should actually hand yourself in for treatment/councelling it’s really rather dull.
So as the film progresses you’re like “this is a ten man” to “this is a two man” (ah, only if you are sad as me that I think in IMDB mode at every movie I ever see.
So it’s like 10, 2, 10, 2, 2, 2, 9, 5, 10, 2, 2, 2, 10, 9, 2, 2, all the way through and the average of that is about 6 so I’ll give it a 7.
It’s really funny (but boring).
The “I can smell your wife’s pussy from here” by a Teddy Bear in a job interview gag is outstanding.
I was out with a pal for a meeting in South Queensferry one evening last week.
We had a couple of beers (Belhaven Black to be precise – a new Stout from Scotland and very nice it is too).
Keir, my daughter Ria’s boyfriend, was behind the bar but one of the barmaids served us our second drink.
This is the chitty she (Chloe) gave Keir to place our order.
Filed under: movies, humour, Scotland, life, swearing | Tags: comedy, Ken Loach, Kes, The Angels' share, paul lavety, John Henshaw
Wow, Ken Loach’s 21st movie (might be more) further deepens his fondness for documentary style movie making in Scotland. As a child I was supremely moved by Kes. My Uncle took me to see it as a 7 year old and it scared me. The anger and bitterness of a Northern life of poverty, dominated by a glowering Brian Glover as the bullying PE teacher and the innocence of the lead character played by David Bradley left me all aquiver. Since then I’ve followed Loach almost universally. Riff Raff, Raining Stones, My Name is Joe, Carla’s Song, Looking for Eric. All brilliant. All gritty, all uncompromising.
Looking For Eric raised his box office bar by ingeniously casting Cantona and described as a comedy it had the odd laugh, but was no comedy. And this in some way compares.
This man is a national treasure.
And, so, to a movie billed as a proper comedy.
Well, it is very, very funny. Paul Lavety has made sure of that with a brittle acerbic, cynical script that bowls along spewing expletives faster than you can say “see you next Tuesday”. The plot itself is a little fantastical but you can forgive that because the performances are extraordinary, not least by British TV stalwart John Henshaw in a career defining role. In some ways it’s Henshaw’s movie and the denouement, which features him, is extremely moving.
I said it was a bit fantastical but the overall effect is fantastic. At one moment gut wrenchingly violent. The completely believable East end of Glasgow Gang culture that it’s set amidst is quite shocking at times, and at others it’s laugh out loud especially with its liberal use of top notch gratuitous swearing.
Don’t take your mother (although my mother had been the week before me and loved it!).
This is a great movie. A certainty for award victories and a life affirming way to spend an afternoon or evening in the cinema.
8.5 out of 10.
Filed under: advertising, creativity, football, humour | Tags: figurines, italy, napoli, Napoli FC, Saints
Filed under: advertising, Arts, creativity, humour, movies, photography | Tags: 50 for 50, mark gorman
Filed under: creativity, humour, life, Scotland, writing | Tags: english, english pronounciation, english pronunciation, english vocabulary, idiosynchrasy, language, native english speakers, tongue tied, tonguetwister, vocabulary
Thanks to my old mucker, Bruce Haines who was President of the IPA back in the day when I sat on the President’s committee. He now resides in Seoul so I’m sure he could have a lot of fun teaching this to the locals.
It’s an astounding vocal trickery game really that has to be read out loud.
A wonderful celebration of the English language. Enjoy.
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.
After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, politics, Rants, Youtube | Tags: daily reckless, kelvinmackenzie, Tommy Mackay
See more of Tommy’s unique brand of humour here
Filed under: books, business, creativity, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, swearing, work, writing | Tags: apostrophes, death of the apostrophe, lynne truss, proper syntax, waterstones
Some fucking dick in the Waterstone’s marketing department thinks the apostrophe is an inconvenience in the digital age.
Yeah sure it is in a url, but we all know that urls don’t need punctuation and everyone, even Lynne Truss, will live with that.
However, to use that as an excuse to rebrand Waterstone’s as Waterstones is absurd.
It’s a fucking bookshop.
It should be the last bastion of proper syntax for fuck sake.
It is utterly unforgiveable.
It’s like the Driving Standards Agency hiring blind people to take driving tests.
Before you know it we’ll have section’s for biographys, comic’s, childrens book’s, and busine’ss section’s.
Or is that bastards’ or bastards or bastard’s or bas’tards or bas’tard’s or bas’tard’s’
I give up. In apoplexy.
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, for sale, humour, jokes, life, photography, swearing | Tags: fail, Japanes department store sale fail
It’s Point of sale from a Japanese Department store.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, movies, photography | Tags: 1.37:1 ratio, Berenice Bejo, feelgood movies, George Valentin, Jean Dujardin, John Goodman, michael Hazanavicius, Peppy Miller, Silnt movies, the artist
It’s been a long wait for this much heralded movie, the notices from Cannes were enthusiastic to say the least and early user reviews on IMDB have anointed it with must see status.
So, I went along today with an open mind and a hope that it justified its early 8.5 rating on our esteemed website. I have to say that it doesn’t but there is much to love in this delightful movie novelty.
First off, this is a novelty. Once you’ve enjoyed its fare you are left wondering “what exactly was the point of making that” because it has no real “agenda”. I saw no political, religious or cultural allegory. What I saw was a lovingly crafted, beautifully photographic, gorgeously scored, excellently acted, arthouse homage.
It’s kind of a big idea but without an idea, instead it’s a film built around executional excellence and in that respect is often near to perfection with some lovely retro cinematography and illusions.
There’s a particularly nice touch when Peppy Miller’s movie opens in a cinema called the Reine (an in joke and nod to the production company that made it, La Petite Reine I suspect).
I didn’t know the story before I saw it and I won’t spoil it for you here because the story is fairly slight and not that big a deal, it’s merely the skeleton for a series of set pieces and fun.
It’s held together principally by the delightful Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo), an up and coming “talkies ” star who worships the ground that fallen idol George Valentin (surely a nod to Valentino) played brilliantly by Jean Dujardin walks on. However many scenes are stolen by the delightful Jack Russell terrier who is Valentin’s only constant soulmate throughout the movie.
There are also two good cameos from American actors John Goodman, as the studio magnate, and James Cromwell, who you’ve seen literally hundreds of times without perhaps realising who he is, as Valentin’s loyal manservant.
It’s shot in a, 1.37: 1 ratio that these days, is virtually unseen, but was the format of choice in the 20′s. This, for me added further authenticity, as do the beautiful credits, captions and monochrome photography.
Sound is used cleverly throughout and the final scene had me grinning from ear to ear.
I really liked this oddball movie. No it’s not one of the greatest ever made and I doubt will do much at The Oscars outside of the technical categories but it’s a great hour and a half and an unusual and worthwhile feelgood movie experience.
Filed under: advertising, Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life | Tags: cog, honda ad, Joseph Herscher, neat twist, the daily reckless, Tommy Mackay
I love this ad. I really do.
But this is a neat twist. (thanks to Tommy Mackay for spotting it.)
Filed under: creativity, family, food, humour, life | Tags: Diet, mark gorman