Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour, jokes, language, Rants | Tags: Blog writing, planet Blog, professional blog writing service, professional blogging, SEO
Here’s a little something I created this morning for my professional blog writing company www.planetblog.co.
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, politics, Rants, Youtube | Tags: daily reckless, kelvinmackenzie, Tommy Mackay
See more of Tommy’s unique brand of humour here
Filed under: books, business, creativity, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, swearing, work, writing | Tags: apostrophes, death of the apostrophe, lynne truss, proper syntax, waterstones
Some fucking dick in the Waterstone’s marketing department thinks the apostrophe is an inconvenience in the digital age.
Yeah sure it is in a url, but we all know that urls don’t need punctuation and everyone, even Lynne Truss, will live with that.
However, to use that as an excuse to rebrand Waterstone’s as Waterstones is absurd.
It’s a fucking bookshop.
It should be the last bastion of proper syntax for fuck sake.
It is utterly unforgiveable.
It’s like the Driving Standards Agency hiring blind people to take driving tests.
Before you know it we’ll have section’s for biographys, comic’s, childrens book’s, and busine’ss section’s.
Or is that bastards’ or bastards or bastard’s or bas’tards or bas’tard’s or bas’tard’s’
I give up. In apoplexy.
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, for sale, humour, jokes, life, photography, swearing | Tags: fail, Japanes department store sale fail
It’s Point of sale from a Japanese Department store.
Filed under: advertising, Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life | Tags: cog, honda ad, Joseph Herscher, neat twist, the daily reckless, Tommy Mackay
I love this ad. I really do.
But this is a neat twist. (thanks to Tommy Mackay for spotting it.)
Filed under: creativity, family, humour, jokes, life, Scotland, stories | Tags: Cluness, elton john, pissed singing, seducing girlfriend, The Circle of life
Especially if you are the only one that’s been drinking, quite a lot, and the rest of the family are at home. (Her family that is.)
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, life, politics, sports, Uncategorized | Tags: Good for the Jews, It's good to be a Jew at Christmas
I heard this on Huey, from the Fun Lovin’ Criminals’, 6 Music Show this afternoon.
Filed under: humour, jokes | Tags: Campbell's Prime Meat Peter Flockhart, carnival, dodges, funfair, pete the meat, peter Flockhart
He’s suing them for funfair dismissal.
Peter Flockhart (Pete the Meat) finally tells a good gag.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, motors | Tags: fanny magnet, penis extention, Porsche
Filed under: Arts, creativity, family, humour, jokes, life | Tags: bbq, family, gormans, mark gorman, Scotland
My Mum turns 75 on Tuesday and she had a party last night to celebrate. Absolutely great night and a little late. I stayed over with her and had to help clear up the carnage this morning before rapidly driving home and taking Ria to a 4 hour rehearsal for the Chess Game.
I’m on my knees now…
Filed under: Arts, Hibees, humour, jokes, life, music | Tags: Hibs; agogo signs for hibs
Filed under: advertising, Arts, business, creativity, humour, jokes | Tags: creepy, Dirt devil, scary movie, the exorcist, Troubleshooting
This is just perfection.
But at its core it’s an astoundingly good product demonstration.
Filed under: creativity, family, humour, jokes, life, Rants, Scotland, stories | Tags: fight at wedding, poo, skidmark on wedding dress, skins, wedding, wedding disasters, wedding nightmares, wedding stories
Filed under: business, creativity, family, itv, jokes, life, music, Rants, stories | Tags: amanda holden, BGT, britain's got talent, Louis Walsh, Ronan Parke, Simon Cowell, SYCO
For reasons which will become obvious, I can’t reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am an executive with Sony Music UK with many years experience in music mangement. My work involves close liasion with Simon Cowell’s SYCO company (specifically SYCO Music and SYCO TV) and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain’s Got Talent and particularly the workings of SYCO.
It’s long been known that there is a quite a degree of “fixing” in BGT. ( Daily Mail http://bit.ly/fxkWne ) But press reports on “fixing” are only the tip pf the iceberg when it comes to SYCO’s manipulation of, not only the show and the contestants, but also the viewing public and hopefully, in this email, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of SYCO.
Take BGT 2011 for example. Scouts working for SYCO first saw Ronan Parke (the 12 year old singer) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was singing at a birthday party for former Norwich City goal-keeper, Bryan Gunn. Following that, Ronan was privately auditioned by SYCO scouts on two more occasions and, as is usual practice on BGT, he was “invited” to audition for the show as a “preferred” contestant. At the same time, Ronan and his parents were “required” to enter into a contract with SYCO. Like all SYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the label and are notoriously bad, even in the cut-throat world of the music industry. Simon effectively signed Ronan for life and he’s got little or no chance of ever getting out of it…unless Simon decides to terminate. Recording contracts are legally extremely complex and usually require input and advice from very expensive, specialist contract lawyers. SYCO knows that such legal advice goes well beyond the means of most contestants. As one senior SYCO executive said to me recently. “These people are mugs. They’ll sign away their own mother just to get on tv. It’s a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!”
As is common for “invited” contestants that SYCO likes and have already signed, Ronan and his parents were provided with a car to drive them to the audition in London. These “invited” contestants don’t have to queue up with everyone else, they don’t go through the preliminary auditions with producers, but perform straight to Simon and the judging panel at a pre- arranged time-slot. And so it was for Ronan back in 2009 when he was just 10.
It was at this initial audition that I first met Ronan and he looked very different back then. He was a skinny, 10 year old lad who, even at that time, was a bit effeminate. His voice needed a bit of working on, but that wouldn’t be a problem. Unfortunately, nerves got the better of Ronan and he was unable to perform. Simon however, had already seen the audition tapes from the scouts and took Ronan into an unused dressing room and got him to sing in there with his mum for support. Clearly Ronan was not going to be part of BGT in 2009 and nothing from this was ever televised.
Ordinarily, you would think that would be the end of things, but with Ronan already signed to SYCO, far from it. This was just the start of a two year grooming and manipulation process to prepare Ronan for stardom.
It’s no big secret that Simon has been looking for an artist who could crack the very lucrative pre-teen market for some time, particularly in the US. If you like, he wanted his own rival to Bieber and, taking a leaf out of how professional football academies develop youngersters to feed their main team, Simon wanted his own singing academy and Ronan was just one of a number of identified youngsters, with whom SYCO intensively works with.
A development package, which included professional singing, dancing and stage-craft tuition was arranged for Ronan and the SYCO machine kicked into gear with the view of Ronan entering BGT 2010. Lots of work had been done with Ronan and his voice was much improved, unfortunately nerves were still a major issue for him and it was decided by SYCO not to enter him into the 2010 series.
At a following senior exec meeting at SYCO it was suggested that Ronan be dropped, but with Simon confident that he could be the kid he had been looking for, it was agreed that Ronan would receive “intensive support and input” to ready him for the 2011 series. Although Ronan’s voice was now stunning, there were other major problems to be dealt with in order to sell him to the public. With respect to Ronan, he was nothing more than a cooky-looking, skinny runt of a kid and this was identified as a major handicap to sales.
It was agreed at a high-level, secret SYCO meeting, that if they were to do anything with Ronan, he needed totally restyling from the toes up. And so with time running out to develop Ronan into the star Simon wanted, SYCO went into overdrive. Ronan was even given speech and elocution training to rid him of his rural Norfolk accent, again in preparation for the potential US market. As for his effeminate and girlishness, this posed a bigger problem and resulted in many highly confidential meetings. At one of these meetings, the unthinkable was raised as a way forward….
Until now Ronan had been encouraged to “boy-up” and it was planned to present Ronan as an everyday skater-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn’t believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Ronan to “release” and enhance his campness . Disgustingly, SYCO planned to sexualise him. They were well aware of course, that if they sexualised a young girl to look sexually older than she is, all hell would let loose. But with Ronan, as one executive put it, “no one has ever seen a ‘gay’ kid before, it’ll be a novelty.” As for the pre-teen market, it was accepted they wouldn’t care if Ronan appeared gay or not…most probably don’t know what gay is anyway. And so, with a total gay- sexualisation of Ronan secretly planned, SYCO got to work. I should stress, Ronan’s parents were not aware of any of this and were never consulted about Ronan’s development or management. When I first met Ronan he was a bit effeminate in his ways, but nothing like the camp, girlie-giggling kid you see now on BGT and this is a direct result of SYCO’s styling. Even his clothing worn at the audition and live semi-final were chosen for him by SYCO to match his new image.
SYCO took over everything to do with Ronan. His hairstyle, his clothes, his poise, giving tv interviews, you name it, Ronan was styled within an inch of his life and all on the promise of stardom, just as long as he worked hard and listened to his mentors. As for Ronan’s parents they were constantly reassured that Simon was personally looking after Ronan and “it’s all good”.
And so to BGT 2011. With Ronan ready to be unveiled, SYCO bosses, under instructions from Simon did something not done in previous series of BGT; the winner of BGT 2011 was decided long before the first auditions took place and that winner HAD to be Ronan Parke. With Ronan now 12, he looked and sounded just as SYCO had planned, but time was running out. Soon Ronan would be going into puberty and his voice would eventually break, so BGT 2011 had to be the vehicle to launch Ronan’s career; another year and as a singer he would probably be beyond any meaningful career and the opportunity will have been missed. With all this investment in Ronan, the production managers at SYCO TV are ready to deliver Ronan as ordered. Again, I need to stress, Ronan and his parents know nothing of this and have no idea Ronan will win BGT this weekend.
So far in the history of BGT and X-Factor, for that matter, no one has ever won who has not been an “invited or preferred” contestant, and it does sadden me that, all those thousands of people, lining up outside, often in the rain and cold, are basically wasting their time. The producers of BGT are not looking for the talented people, they aready have those. The reality is that the producers are hunting out oddities, freaks and, I’m ashamed to say, mentally ill people, to act as amusing fillers in the audition shows. They are nothing more than unpaid extras and they don’t even qualify for traveling expenses! It’s quite disgusting and shameful really, how the production team on BGT operate. People come from all over the country, often at great personal expense, because they think BGT is a talent competition and they stand a chance of realising their dreams. I can tell you from the inside that BGT is no more a “competition”, than I am an astronaut. Nothing is left to chance on BGT, everything is micro-managed, choreographed, manipulated and planned down to the last detail including, the telephone voting.
The ability to manipulate viewers opinion is vital if you are to control telephone voting and indeed get the required result. SYCO see this as essential to the success of the show and are very open about fact; planning and delivering live shows of quality is impossible if it was purely left to the public vote. As Simon said in a meeting once. “The public NEED to be told who to vote for.” Everything on BGT is geared towards telling you who you should for, particularly on the production side. It’s an art really, which Simon has honed to perfection and SYCO are now world leaders at.
The micro-management of Ronan’s audition performance was incredible. I was really quite shocked at his new image. From a starting point of wanting Ronan to look cute for the pre-teen market, SYCO had totally gayed him up in the process. Ronan’s not a 16 year old expressing his sexualty for the first time, he’s a 12 year old boy. It was horrible and I was very uncomfortable as to where this was going to end. Ronan, still suffering from nerves, performed his song and received a standing ovation from all three judges…why? Because it was in the script to give Ronan a standing ovation. As for Louis comment. “Ronan Parke. Remember that name. This kid’s gonna be a star!!” – that was actually fed to him from the production gallery and I know the guy who wrote the line. And when it comes to Ronan’s tears…well, check it out on YouTube or something. You see Ronan crying and wiping away tears. Only you don’t see any actual tears, not even on close-up and on an HD tv. Yep you guessed it, even that was choreographed, right down to the lip-biting!
It was also interesting to see that even before the final credits rolled on Ronan’s audition show, SYCO TV had uploaded the offical video of Ronan onto YouTube. Today, that particular video has been viewed over 2.5 million times and growing. SYCO don’t do that for other contestants, so why Ronan? The gaying-up Ronan plan slightly backfired on SYCO when lots of negative comments were being posted on YouTube and Twitter about Ronan’s image and the supposed sexuality that represents. Things got so bad on YouTube that the posting of comments had to be suspended. But SYCO learned from this and dressed Ronan more appropriately for his semi-final show; preferring a much more Bieber inspired look to the ‘gay- kid’ image presented in the audition.
In another unusal move for BGT contestants, SYCO created Ronan’s Official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter account. Both these services are managed from within SYCO and they post messages and pictures, not Ronan. This is because they don’t want Ronan posting anything controversial and is standard practice for currrent artists signed to SYCO.
And so this weekend will see Ronan crowned as winner of BGT 2011. Oh and let’s not forget the £100k prize money. It’s unlikely Ronan will see much or any of that. He’s been signed to SYCO for two years now and under the terms of his contract, while SYCO stump-up for costs in advance, this is paid back from future earnings. So he will need to pay for all those lessons, coaches, cars, clothes, styling and management… I wouldn’t be surprised even after winning BGT, if he is not still in debt to SYCO.
As a recording artist Ronan has a relatively short shelf-life. Simon knows he is going to have to hit the ground running to maximise Ronan’s earning potential, particularly if they go ahead with a planned break into the States and the pace is going to be frantic for Ronan. If you think the music industry is bad in the UK, you haven’t seen anything until you experience it Stateside. With an “anything goes” attitude all morals have long since gone out of the window. There will be no allowance for Ronan’s age and he will be expected to perform on late- night shows and dinners etc. And if he get exhausted, there’s always some sleaze-bag on hand ready to put a line of coke under his nose. I’ve seen it a million times.
I know for a fact, that the songs have already been chosen for Ronan’s debut single and album, and that the backing and drum tracks have already been laid down.
Of course, once Ronan’s voice breaks, it’s game-over and he will be commercially redundant for a few years. By the time he gets through that, the world will have moved on and his fan-base will have grown-up a bit. Will he make a comeback? In my experience I’d say probably not.
I’ve met Ronan a few times over the past couple of years. He’s a really nice kid with a generous, warm personality and the most wonderfully cute, girlie-giggle. There’s nothing to not like about Ronan. He’s a really sensitive soul and this comes across as him being a bit effeminate. But in a world of thuggish chavs, Ronan’s a real breath of fresh air really and a real delight to chat to. Do I think Ronan’s gay? No, is the short answer to that. SYCO have got a lot to answer for in their initial styling and image for Ronan. Like many 12 year old boys, Ronan may have issues in coming to terms with his sexuality in a couple of years. But right now, he’s just a great kid…a bit different, I admit…but a great kid just the same.
I hope Ronan is not damaged by this experience, unforunately, history warns otherwise…but whatever, the genie is already out of the bottle and come this weekend, Ronan’s life will change forever. Whether it’s a good or bad experience being a 12 year old star in today’s music industry, only time will tell. But as an industry insider I have serious reservations about what is about to happen to Ronan Parke and I doubt he or his family are ready for what’s coming.
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour, jokes | Tags: cadburys ad, cadburys chocolate
This campaign never ceases to amaze me with its utter inanity.
This is the worst yet.
So the “gag” is built around the effect you get from inhaling helium right?
Well helium balloons rise, they don’t fall.
This balloon is full of air.
Filed under: advertising, Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, videos, Youtube | Tags: juicy fruit, sarah silverman, unicorn
It’s actually an “ad” for Juicy Fruit.
Filed under: business, creativity, humour, jokes | Tags: analogue camera turns digital, april fool, april fools hoax, German jokes, RE35 digital camera, Rogge & Pott GbR
Like many people, including the journalists at What Digital Camera.com, I was fooled by a very convincing website for a new “invention” that claimed it could turn your old analogue 35mm cameras into digital processing units.
There was simply nothing fake looking about it at all…
So like thousands of other suckers I registered interest on the website of Rogge & Pott GbR; the instigators of the April Fool’s Day hoax.
Last night they sent me a very nice email that let me down gently.
Well done chaps. Well executed throughout.
This is it…
Thankyou for your enquiry about Re35.
Some good news:
The feedback to our “product” has truly been overwhelming. It seems Re-35 really addresses a need and people worldwide can‚t seem to wait to get their hands on our “product”.
The bad news:
Some things are to good to be true!
Re35 does not really exist. We (the design company Rogge & Pott) created Re35 as an exercise in identity-design. We invented the “product” because it was something, that we had wished for for a long time (as many others).
We launched the website and sent out “press releases” on April first – thinking, that the date would make clear, that Re35 is just wishful thinking – a classic April Fools Prank!
All this attention Re35 ist getting might actually be good for something. It proves, that there is a gigantic community of photographers with analog equipment out there that is desperately waiting for a product like this to come along.
We hope there are no hard feelings
and that you are not too disappointed.
Cheers from Germany.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life, Recipes, Scotland, stories | Tags: dustin hoffman sky ad, dustin hoffman sky mash up, dustin hoffman sovies sky pastiche, sky stovies, stovies, stovies dustin hoffman
The thing about Stovies is they are great for lining the stomach before a night out and are great after the event. They are cheap, filling and delicious if prepared properly. My strong preference is to make them with lots of onions and Lorne sausage. But gently goes it or you’ll burn the arse off the pan and leave yourself a considerable cleaning up task.
Clearly Sky TV and Dustin Hoffman are of a similiar mind as you will see…
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, life, photography | Tags: Di, Kate and Wills, princess di, princess diana, Princess diana memorial, princess diana reptile house, Royal, royal family, The royal wedding
Perhaps Kate will one day reach this height of fame.
(I am grateful to Phil Morley for capturing this moving shrine for a wider audience than its lowly status currently ensures.)
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life, photography, Scotland | Tags: art grafitti, duncan of Jordanstone, grafitti, peeing, pish, urinate
I went for a slash when I was at the Duncan of Jordanston Open Day a couple of years ago and saw this fantastic graffiti in the loo.
Filed under: football, jokes, politics, Rants, Scotland, sports | Tags: Scottish Football Association, SFA
“Lennon is currently serving a four game suspension imposed earlier in the season and will sit out the second of those games against Inverness Caledonian Thistle on Wednesday night. It was widely believed that the fresh punishment would take effect when the current ban was completed but Celtic’s statement confirms that they do not believe that to be the case.
Taking into account the SFA’s rules and the date the most recent ban was imposed, Celtic are claiming that both suspensions will be served simultaneously from this point on, meaning their manager will be in the stands for four more matches including the Inverness game and not a further six as would be the case if suspensions were served consecutively.”
I am not jumping on the anti-Lennon bandwagon, I simply can’t be bothered and I do have sympathy for the way he is treated in his private life. No, this is all about the SFA and their continuous bottling it. If Lennon has erred his sentences should not be commuted, like the last one was or run simultaneously. No wonder Celtic are not appealing. If they did even a commuted sentence would begin after the current one.
It’s a farce.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life, photography | Tags: guardian in pictures competition, guardian photo competition
I considered putting this one in, but decided against it.
I also thought this might catch the judges’ eyes. The danger of cutting one’s own hair!
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour, jokes, life, photography | Tags: liz and peter duthie wdding, reception, wedding, wedding day, wedding hat, wedding reception
This was the most drunken wedding in history. We were at a free bar (as was the best man) for about 4 hours before we sat down to dinner.
The best man was so pissed that he lost all of his speech notes. Which was just as well as he could barely speak.
Anyway, this wedding hat wasn’t too great on Jeana, looking back…
But it was even worse on Broony…
And “Tiger Townsley” clearly wasn’t too impressed when I had a shot.
Filed under: creativity, family, humour, jokes, life | Tags: breastfeeding, childrearing, embarrassing breastfeeding, seeing a woman's breast as she feeds her child
I will never, ever forget the night Mikey boy came to visit us in Royston Terrace just after we’d had Amy. All was going swimmingly until Jeana said “i have to feed the baby.”
Well, you’ve never seen anyone move so fast. Like a shot Mike was out of the room, in fact out of the flat at the top of the stairs, drawing heavily on a newly lit fag.
“Mark you know I love tits. I’m a huge fan. I could look at them for hours. But I couldnae bear to see my mate’s wife’s tits while she’s feeding the bairn. So, I had to leave it would have been so embarrassing if I accidentally caught a sneak peek”
I paraphrase of course.
But what a gentleman.
(He was only saying what we all think though.)
Filed under: Arts, creativity, family, humour, jokes, life, theatre | Tags: gabriel, method acting, nativity play, st mgarets
Of course the Angel Gabriel as we all know was a surly bastard because Lucifer was having all the fun…
Filed under: advertising, family, humour, jokes, life, photography, Rants, Scotland | Tags: bass ale, Belfast, farquar gaylord, mark gorman, the troubles, think hard
I have been striking this ridiculous pose for at least 20 years as this photo testifies.
Shot outside The Europa Hotel (the most bombed hotel in Europe) in about 1988.
The equally unattractive human being in the photo beside me is Damian McElholm. A keen country pursuits hobbyist.
He’s famous for replying to Gerry Farrell when he was asked what the shooting was like around here (Belfast, at the back end of “The Troubles”) replied “accurate.”
Filed under: advertising, business, humour, jokes, Rants, work | Tags: new media, phd, reaching young people, talking to young people, Web 2, Web 2.0, yoof, youth marketing, youth targetting
Thanks more especially to The Ad Contriarian and will Atkinson for bringing this piece of utter codswollop to my attention.
Listen to what these horrible little brats are saying.
“Don’t worry, you’ll offset the costs by selling the leads onto those data aggregator type companies.” Whaaaatttttt? Just like my 16 year olds talk.
Honestly it’s the funniest script I have EVER heard in my life, but it’s meant to be serious.
Oh man, I feel so, like, out of touch now.
Must get down to see those connected dudes at PHD.
Do you think they are connected with Ogilvy in any way?
Filed under: humour, jokes, liberal, life, photography, stories | Tags: d, dolphins, stress, stress test
It used to be so damned easy to catch dolphins.
The mothers were just leapin’ outa the sea into your net.
But that seemed so Cruela de ville.
But modern life, it ain’t so easy .
The Japanese, they’ve killed so many of them babies that it don’t seem such fun any more. In fact it creeps me out.
It stresses me.
So, I was kinda pleased to get this little old chill out zone message from Patti.
You might like it too.
You need to focus though…. so let’s get inta character.
How to determine your stress:
Just look at the photograph…
If you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation.