Doh!

Apparently a West Lothian councillor has had to apologise after claims she referred to Fauldhouse as a town of inbreeds.  Hailing from Broxburn, Councillor Ellen Glass was in safe territory as it takes one to know one.

Although I guess I shouldn’t say that as half of my family originated from Broxburn.

Apparently she raised the issue at a health meeting, saying she was worried because of inbreeding in the town, before being told to “shut it” by her colleagues.

What a cracker.

I’ve been itching to write about this for months but have been worried about displaying political niaivety. However, even I cannot be accused of that in the face of Wendy Alexander’s kindergarten politics

It would seem that in attempting to raise a referendum bill she is simply not permitted to do so by Holyrood protocol because Smiley Alec Salmond beat her to it! Now that’s a silly wee mistake to make. Just like accepting £900 of unrecorded political support was.

But by taking a personal independence agenda into the public domain at total odds with the Labour party in Millbank she has managed to piss off Gordon Brown and most of the National Executive of the Labour Party, the Scottish Labour Party, John Prescott, The Lib Dems - who may or may not be Labour’s allies - and most amusingly of all, the Scottish Tory Leader, Annabel Goldie, who sees her behaviour as tantamount to destroying the Union.

Needless to say Alex Salmond must think he’s died and gone to heaven.

But what underpins this ‘car crash’ politics? I think it must be ego. She is well known for having zero people skills and has dodged and ducked her way through political minefields for a while and bottled a leadership contest with Jack McConnell.

She’s just not good enough. Intellectually brilliant perhaps: as the author of the Smart Successful Scotland strategy I have to say I admired the way in which this document seemed to lucidly capture the issues facing the nation. But her job is not an academic one, it’s a political one and politics appears to be the least of her talents.

A bit of a handicap as a party political leader.

You know what Wendy?

As Sir Alan should be urging Big Goggsy to say…

“You’re fired!”

I have supported Rangers’ dogged and boring progress through Europe but I am not, repeat not, a closet Hun. And they couldn’t have achieved it without ripping the guts out of The Hibees first 11.

This is funny. Thanks Mike.

One thing I am 100% behind them on is condemnation of the stance that the SFA have done nothing to further the cause of the Scottish game.

Exactly.

SFA.

By a tory fucking idiot.  Well, London, you chose him.  You suffer the consequences you bunch of berks.

I’m grateful to Pat Rodger for sending me this little peach.

From the Townsville Bulletin (on Australia’s Gold Coast)

George Phillips was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go to turn off the light but saw from the porch that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police and explained what was happening; the controller asked

‘Is someone in your house?’

‘No’ he replied.

The response was that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

‘Hello’ he said ‘I just called you a minute ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.

Within four minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’

To which George replied, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

Saw this poster in Salamander St last week.

Not good.

Is this some sort of fascist intelectualism? Because, if it is, it’s probably lost on most people. Myself included

(PS. Having written this post I then found out that it is “art” intended to stimulate debate about global capitalism and Polish immigration. Well, it worked but it’s kind of up itself. - see the explanation in the comments or follow this link to The Collective Gallery’s website.)

Those of you who have been following my discussions with Nationwide Building Society will no doubt be interested in the latest round of this debate. I recieved a letter this morning from a chap further up the food chain in which he stated that my previous letter was “somewhat inappropriate . Whatever the fuck that means. I think actually it meant (fuck off and stop annoying us.) Needless to say it was wholly missing in terms of wit, charm, eloquence and answers. rather it said. We’re passing the buck to Churchill who underwrote the claim. But, of course, I didn’t purchase from Churchill. I purchased from Nationwide who, as we all know are not like the nasty old banks. They’re the good guys, the people’s champions. The only big mutual left

Here’s what I had to say this time round.

17 April 2008

(Name withheld)
Nationwide Building Society
Insurance Claims Department
Kings Park Road
Moulton Park
Northampton
NN3 6NW

Claim No 60980390/01
And CL2152383

Dear (staff name withheld)

I received your letter dated 17 April this morning in which you fail to acknowledge a single point that I made to you in my letter of 11 April to your colleague.

However, you do state that you feel its content was “somewhat inapropriate”.

What does that mean exactly. Do you think it is somewhat innapropriate for me to ask for an explanation as to why either of my claims are not being honoured?

Is there some form of three line whip at Nationwide Building Society whereby staff are taught to stonewall and blank specific, very specific, points made in letters of complaint from their customers.

Actually (staff name withheld), I find your response “somewhat inappropriate”. In fact I find it wholly inappropriate. In fact, I find it dismissive and to be quite honest, timorous.

It’s a bit like you’re saying “Go away you horrible big bully and stop being nasty to us. We don’t know why we won’t pay you. It’s just that the computer says no all the time.”

But I’m afraid I’m not going to go away because (and I’m making an assumption here) I’m in the situation where I’ve paid you insurance premiums for years and my kitchen is burned down and you won’t pay for it to get fixed… and you’re not.

Step outside of the walls of your cosy office in Kings Park Road for a minute, and into the real world, and you might get a hint of why I am not a very happy bunny and why I won’t go away.

So, I’ll ask you again. Could you possibly take the time to explain why you consider payment of half a claim an “Act of goodwill?”

Could you take some time to address my issues?

Could you act in a way which resolves my dispute as opposed to hiding from it?

I note you have opted for the last recourse of the corporation. - hiding behind the Ombudsman. But how can I go to the Ombudsman, as you suggest, when I only have my side of the story? You have given me no reasonable reasons for your refusing to honour my claims.

The point is, I have put forward a case and you have made no defence.

So, please could you defend yourself more effectively - or settle my claim.

I notice that you have passed the buck onto Churchill Insurance, but I didn’t buy it from Churchill Insurance I bought it from Nationwide Building Society. I believe they call that White labelling and I believe my contract (at the very least morally) is with you.

I patiently await your response.

Yours sincerely

Mark Gorman

For those of you who have had the misfortune of making an unsuccesful insurance claim of late or who have been following the saga of our two claims from the Nationwide Building Society that spend millions of pounds advertising that they don’t act like the banks who as portrayed in their ads as moneygrubbing scum, this letter that I wrote to them upon our claims being rejected again may be of interest.

11 April 2008

(Name of staff member withheld)
Nationwide Building Society
Insurance Claims Department
Claims Team 1
Kings Park Road
Moulton Park
Northampton
NN3 6NW
Dear (Name of staff member withheld)

I received your letter dated 10 April, never have I read a correspondance so overburdoned with farcical comments and patronising platitudes.

I have made several hundred photocopies of it and tomorrow morning I shall take the train into Edinburgh and place them in various public conveniences in the city centre for people to use when toilet roll runs out as the nonsense that is contained on those two pages ranks alongside Hillary Clinton’s recent misspeaking.

Actually wiping one’s anus with those letters places them on a category higher than the contents really deserve, but at least whilst the user is waiting to apply the paper to the job in hand they might have a right good laugh reading Nationwide’s authorised tosh.

I will not take the Mondial claim any further because you seem to have found a neat get out clause. But, just for the record I will once again remind you that we did not inform you of my father’s condition because he was not in the travelling party, none of the travelling party was unfit and more importantly, as I have told you and Mondial on numerous occassions, two consultant’s told us, indeed recommended to us, that we went on holiday, post diagnosis. We were told my father had six to nine months to live, and that the holiday would be important for us to build up a bit of energy for what lay in store later in the year.

The holiday was three weeks after the diagnosis and so, acting on their advice, we confirmed that we would travel and booked the insurance.

But it is your job as insurers to unearth the most appropriate terms and conditions to invalidate a claim.

So, hey, you win.

Well done.

Sleep well tonight.

Your thoughts were so touching and comforting when you said in your letter

“I am sorry that I cannot bring you more welcome news in such a difficult time for you.”

Awww, bless.

And if you’re looking for a good place for your summer holidays try Lagos in Portugal. It’s lovely. But expensive for four days!

Now. The kitchen claim. That’s a different matter entirely and it ain’t job done “screwed another sucker behind the façade of a nice letter” yet.

I do not accept your findings and do not find your “goodwill” gesture.

Goodwill?

Goodwill is doing the job. Actually, no it isn’t. Goodwill is doing more than the job.

How dare you suggest that replacing half a kitchen is goodwill.

Can you begin to fathom how insulting, patronising, cheap, tacky and irritating the use of that word in the context of this situation is? No? Well I’ll tell you.

It is very insulting patronising tacky and irritating.

Goodwill is honouring more than your side of the bargain.

And lest it is unclear let me spell out to you what that bargain is.

Step 1 Our house goes on fire (not part of our plans that Saturday in dim and distant January, not part of the plans at all. Oh no; that was definitely one of the things most of us would plan not to do.)

Step 2 We discover part of our kitchen is burned

Step 3 Loss adjuster visits, agrees with us and signs off our claim

Step 4 Replacement parts for the damaged area of the kitchen cannot be sourced therefore our entire kitchen is rendered damaged. I think it’s called a write off in insurance parlance. It’s just like if you crash the front part of your car and it is irrepairable (like our kitchen) the car is written off and you’re required to replace the whole car. Not cut off the back end and weld on a new front end. That would be silly.

Step 5 You ignore this technicality and spend the next 4 months conjuring up reasons to only pay for half the kitchen as an “act of Goodwill”. I don’t want half a kitchen (Name of staff member withheld) I want a whole one. Just like I don’t make half an insurance premium payment I make a whole one.

It really is very, very simple.

Step 6 You see my point. (at last) You stop acting like half the cost of kitchen will bring Nationwide Building Society to its knees (you’ve got a credit crunch to do that) and act like a courteous, mutual society – not like corporate, moneygrubbing nincompoops.

Step 7 I convince the friend of mine who had £75,000 in savings in your organisation but moved it away upon hearing of my story, to move it back again – as an act of “goodwill.”

Come on (Name of staff member withheld). This is just silly. I don’t want to shell out half of the cost of a new kitchen. I just want my old one back the way it was. But it’s been discontinued. That’s unfortunate. That, frankly is your problem.

Assuming you see the error of your ways and steps 5 – 7 unfold I will not have to bring in the insurance ombudsman and I will go round the cubicles of Edinburgh’s Public Conveniences and uplift the aforementioned bogroll.

Oh, and you may have noticed that as an ”act of goodwill” I have refrained from swearing at any point in this letter.

Yours sincerely

Mark Gorman

Are you worried about the future?

Let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger and we all have to think about our lavish lifestyles after our careers are over.

• Are you well past your best?
• Are you looking for an easy life?
• Are you looking for an easy way to enter Britain?

Then you are eligible for the Hearts Life-Plan!

WE PAY YOU over £10,000 a week, there’s a pointless medical and no salesperson will call (you might even get a shot at being manager).

CALL NOW!

There’s a FREE house, car and limitless golf at some of Scotland’s finest courses.

Don’t take our word for it, read these recommendations from some very satisfied clients….

“When I’m no longer playing, I know my family will be financially secure”

Mr Beslija, Belgium

“I recommended the Hearts plan to all my friends back home.”
Mr Saulious, Edinburgh

“The Hearts plan supplemented my pension, just when I thought it was too late.”
Mr Pressley, Glasgow

“The generosity of the Hearts plan is unmatched in the world of pension finance. It was the best move I have ever made.”
Mr E Kurkis, Lithuania

“Even when everyone said I was too old, Hearts were prepared to supplement my pension with an outrageous offer.”
Mr Neil, Edinburgh

“Despite being permanently injured I was still eligible for the Hearts Life-plan - year after year!”
Mr Pinilla, Chile

So don’t sit there worrying about the future - relax - that phone will ring!

Hearts Life-Plan is regulated by V Romanov and his pals at the bank and is funded by the 10,000 who have invested in the “HMFC Season Ticket” pyramid scam over the last 3 years.

…you cheer at the news Pete Doherty has been slung into the clink for 14 weeks. About bloody time.

Does anyone know how I can subscribe to The Daily Mail?

Anyone having the misfortune to have to get around Edinburgh at any point between now and 2011 will find this image particularly resonant.  Because the brilliant tram system (I’m told) that was ripped out a couple of generations ago is being put back in again.  In a modern and congested city centre that means upheval.

A bit like this.

The description that goes with it is as follows…

Laying tram lines, Leith Walk

Labourers work at laying tramlines in the cobblestone road down Leith Walk, Edinburgh. Many of the men’s tools can be seen, these include wheelbarrows, pickaxes and shovels. Some of the workers are sitting amongst piles of loose stones which have yet to be replaced around the tramlines. In the background are tenement buildings, a hotel, and some shops, above one there is a clock tower.

Hillary Clinton’s lying about the sniper fire non-incident in Bosnia led to her defending herself by misusing a little used word.

She claims she did “mis-speak”.

To misspeak is to mispronounce or use a word incorrectly.  But which part of lying about an incident is mis-speaking?

Has she been reading ‘Lanark’ by Alistair Gray set in the land of “unthank”?

Perhaps we can add a few more words to the English language.

To swear is to mis-compliment.

To hack someone at football is to mis-tackle.

To murder is to mis-propogate.

To crash your car is to mis-drive.

To miss a putt on the golf course is to mis-not miss.

To bunk school is to mis-attend.

Any more thoughts folks?

Or did I hear that Hillary Clinton claimed she landed under sniper fire on a trip to Bosnia?

Because this is the news footage from her arrival at the time.

I think you can welcome President Obama to the world stage.

Maybe it’s not just Britain that has a Bliar.

So.

Far from joining the militant right David Cameron has shown his anarchic tendencies by breaking four; yes get that FOUR laws on his bicycle on the way to work as leader of the opposition.

Call the Daily fucking Mail, that’s what I say.

Oh, it was then them that broke the story.

Whatever next?

Actually, I listened to a radio programme on Radio Scotland yesterday where the phone-in was about cyclists being wankers. Yes, it’s true. OK they didn’t call them wankers, they called them thoughtless law-breaking morons. It was, of course, a phone-in driven (get it?) by Tory toss-pots of a certain age.

Oh yes, and they were car drivers.

What offended me was not their opinions but the fact that the BBC thought it a wise choice to allow licence payers to have to listen to a bunch of old Tory farts sounding off about anarcho-cyclists when their boss is the leader of that particular pack.

Sweet.

(Doesn’t stop you wanting to retch from the pit of your stomach every time Cameron slimes into your peripheral vision though.  I’d almost say bring back Bliar, but that would be ridiculous.  In the meantime let’s just hope Brown learns that being PM means not being C of the E)

This one, from my friend Gerry Farrell, Creative Director of The Leith Agency, is a cracker.

He appeared in a BBC4 TV programme charting the history of advertising and was outraged when he read this review of it in The Scotsman last week.

So annoyed was he that he was moved to write to Paul Whitelaw, the TV critic responsible for irking him so much.

I reproduce the article and letter in full for your comment, amusement, anger.

I’m totally with Gerry in defending our industry’s professional standards. Is it fair for this guy to make a sweeping generalisation that our industry is a pack of disingenious snakes who will happilly feed a pack of lies in order to sell consumers our product?

No Mr Whitelaw it is not.

Dear Paul,

I just read your TV review in Wednesday’s Scotsman and, like all good admen should, I felt like stabbing myself through the heart with a breadknife.

Let me declare an interest right away. I work at The Leith Agency and the BBC interviewed me and broadcast some of what I said on The Hard Sell on Tuesday night. I`ve only got council telly so I didn`t see the show but I`m sure I did “state the bleeding obvious” and I can quite believe that it was tame and bland, nor can I understand the public`s appetite for programmes about advertising, least of all ones like this, put together by lazy journalists who don`t look far beneath the surface.

Hope you spotted the hint of menace there. How tedious it is to have to take another knee-jerk kick to the nuts from yet another lazy journo with opinions pre-formed in the Sixth Year and unchanged since.

Bill Hicks. Yeah,yeah,yeah. Tom Lappin used the same quote a couple of months back just before he called Alan Hansen “ a money-grubbing whore” for doing TV ads for Morrison`s Supermarket. And now, from your bottomless journalistic well of investigation, research and experience (aka Google), you`ve drawn up a very similar bucket of insults.

If you`d had the energy to click more than once, you might`ve found “Advertising is the rattling of a stick in a swill bucket” (George Orwell) or – my personal favourite – the title of a French adman`s autobiography, “Don`t Tell My Mother I Work In Advertising, She Thinks I Play The Piano In A Brothel”.

And so you rummaged around your own personal swill bucket and came up with the usual lazy rubbish that “ most admen are disingenuous snakes…who.. feed consumers a multi-pack of lies”.

Whoo. How edgy and unpredictable.

Where to start.

Show me a society with no advertising and I`ll show you a government that lies to its own people. Show me a daily newspaper with no lies in it…wait a minute, that`s silly, the average daily newspaper contains more lies, half-truths and uninformed opinion than you`ll find in a month`s worth of ads. Journalist ain`t got much moral high ground to play around on; every paper or magazine I`ve ever read has been funded by the ads it carries. How much does that bother your conscience?

Thought not.

There isn`t even any logic to your position. You watch a lot of telly, apparently. If the Sony client runs a beautiful ad with coloured balls bouncing down hills to tell people the colour on a Sony Bravia is amazing and somebody goes out and buys one and the colour`s shite, they`re not going to sell many more. The best way to kill a rubbish product dead is to advertise it because people will only buy a crap thing once and once isn`t really enough for those wonderful folk who flog beer, cornflakes and Yakult. The internet makes bad word of mouth virally infectious. None of our clients can afford to publicise anything that doesn`t do what it says on the tin. (See what I did there).

It`s persuasion, not mass hypnosis.

Where`s the lie in Cadbury`s drumming gorilla ad?

Have you actually ever been so outraged by an untruthful ad that you`ve complained to the Advertising Standards Authority? Try it. My bet is you`ll struggle to find a single untruthful claim. If you do, and your complaint is valid, the ad will be pulled and the ad agency punished. That`s because we operate under a draconian code of `legal, decent, honest and truthful` that`s a hundred times stricter than your toothless Press Complaints Commission.

More to the point, the vast majority of the men and women I`ve worked with over the last 28 years ( and it`s a fifty/fifty gender split, by the way) are also nice, decent, truthful people. In fact half the people in this agency give up their free time once a fortnight to do free marketing clinics for any business that`s based in Leith for no other reason other than that we love Leith and we think we can help small businesses to market themselves more effectively.

Oh dear, I`ve ranted onto a second page. Let me finish with an invitation and a challenge. Come into The Leith Agency for a day. If you can find a single ad with a lie in it, I`ll buy you an Eighties-style advertising lunch at the posh restaurant of your choice. If you can`t, the lunch is on you.

Alternatively, if you`d prefer something more adversarial, I`ll stand up and debate the point with you anytime, any place, anywhere (see what I did there again).

Or, if you feel particularly feisty about the whole thing, I`ll fight you for it in a boxing ring, all proceeds to a cancer charity.

Any of those three would give you material for a more interesting piece of journalism than the tired old tat you bashed out for your TV review in Wednesday`s Scotsman.

Yours Wearily,

Gerry Farrell
Creative Director, The Leith Agency

James McLaughlin!

You are a very naughty boy for sending me this awful link and I warn you, dear reader, that this is a nasty, obnoxious and bigoted piece of communication that nobody, but nobody should watch. So don’t. Especially if you, like me, are a Catholic.

Unless, of course,  you want a laugh.

Aunty Margot -  you’ll hate it, so don’t bother; you’ll hate it too Mum oh, and Father Tony, best watch Corrie.

I hope this doesn’t condemn me to a life in purgatory.

Intrigued?  If you end up offended don’t say I didn’t warn you…

]

I was at the parliament last night. Pumping my gums. If you’re interested you’ll have to subscribe to my business speak here.

So does Obama it seems.

]

Quite a neat, if transparent, move.

My sister is in China just now.

She went to the beach on Sunday.

That’s her 257th from the left.