Filed under: Youtube, business, humour, videos, work | Tags: Alan sugar, apprentice, mash up, sir alan sugar, the apprentice
Cassetteboy’s irreverant mashup of The Apprentice from day one till now.
Oooh Sir (Lord) Alan you are so cheeky.
You’ll enjoy this if you’re an Apprentice fan.
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Filed under: Youtube, family, life, tv, videos, work | Tags: adam and joe, Alan sugar, Colgate Girl, Joe cornish, kate, lord alan, sir alan, the apprentice, Yasmina
The Apprentice improved as a viewing experience as the season wore on but it was by no means the best. Nonetheless we had a good final (Although Rocky didn’t seem to think so.) The last pick in that horrible playground throwback at the start of the programme; he looked distinctly un-chuffed about that and never raised a smile thereafter.
It was a complicated task, creating a new chocolate brand in three days, something that even we professional marketeers would never be challenged with in real life. For much of the show Colgate Girl’s team were going to call their brand “Intimacy”, and it was going to come in three sizes; small, large and ribbed, but they saw the light and opted instead for some Faux French pish.
They were outdone in all but the taste stakes by Yasmina’s Shock and Awe brand. (It was shocking and we were awestruck by how bad the chocolate tasted; anyone for strawberry and basil?)
Did the right one win? Only Sir (sorry Lord) Alan will know. I was surprised by the outcome I have to say, but frankly I wasn’t that bothered.
Roll on next year. Apparently Margaret won’t be there as she’s gone off to finish a Phd in papyrus.
“It’s really interesting.” She unconvincingly told us.
In honour of her departure I think we need to share Joe Cornish’s outstanding tribute to her.
In an unremarkable first episode we learned that men can’t wash cars and women can’t help spending money. Life changing huh?
But we were all in agreement that thank fuck ET got the finger!
Filed under: Rants, business, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv | Tags: Alan sugar, sir alan
The Apocalyptic Sophocles popped off in a cataclysmic and apostatic apology tonight.
And so say all of us.
The creep was a man, or so he would have liked to be known!
But, actually he was just a wee jumped up Raef-loving titty boy junior.
Hurrah though, he’s gone. And so we can concentrate on the remaining dross.
Lee. Whao big boy. Well hard. Treated Lucinda like shit and must have lost the female vote. I’ve long argued that he’s Danger Man.
Lucinda. Great team leader. Absolute shit team player. I mean, come on, she stood in Central London asking people if they’d heard of a Zonda. Fair enough I suppose, but she was selling a bloody Aston Martin.
Helene. Not great. Superbitch early doors till the cameras turned on her. Can’t win.
Clair. The revelation of the series. Done a Badger and learned that if you are a total cow, everyone hates you and you don’t get the job. The Badger, of course, ran up against Sir Alan’s fancy bit and didn’t get the job. Well, he must have fancied her ‘cos she was useless. Claire has the advantage that the only blonde left is Lucinda and she’s on a well shoogly peg.
Alex. Tosspot. Period.
So, where does that leave me?
5th Helene
4th Alex
3rd Lucinda
2nd Lee
Winner Claire.
Feel free to contradict.
The leftovers are below…
Filed under: Rants, advertising, business, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, raef, sir alan sugar, you're fired
OK.
So, tittyboy Raef (he could never win on account of being a total and utter twat) lost out on a harsh one. But, I didn’t think it was a very fair task, and the judgement criteria seemed a little random.
I think Lucinda was on her dabs ‘cos she kept shrieking at everyone – neverheless she reains my idea of the winner although Claire (Clur) is debooting hereself dramatically – perhaps she too was on her dabs for the first 7 weeks and I think she has, Badgerlike, got herself back into the running.
If the truth be told Sophocles should have been front of the queue. He is tittyboy squared.
As Pete and Iain said this morning. “Michael’s a wee shite.”
But, you know what Raef?
“See ya, wouldnae wanna be ya.`’
Not a great episode.
Filed under: Arts, Rants, big brother, humour, jokes, life, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, michael sophocles, sir alan
So, The Apprentice would-bes get sent on a shopping trip to a Souk.
The perfect recipe for lies and ‘espionage’.
For me the episode revolved around Jen and Michael’s total disregard for honesty and decency – a pair of lying twats quite frankly. We’ve oft discussed Jen’s bootishness in the past on this site, but her decision to engulf herself in a pink headscarve only made her look like Miss Piggy on her dabs.
Now she looks like an ex-Apprentice.
Quite right.
(We can put the mirrors back up in the living room again.)
Her decision to try to boycott Team Alpha’s progress by stage whispering a pathetic bribe to a local tennis stringing ace was pathetic and for that reason alone she had to go.
Michael Sophocles survived somehow, despite being a wee wank. He makes Raef (amazingly no twit ups AT ALL this week) look like a normal member of society – in fact I’m beginning to think Raef might even be a contender!
The teams were great. It really was the battle of the boots and assholes versus the normals (and Raef).
Increasingly my money is piling onto Lucinda who put in another good performance. She even let slip a wee “Och” when she slipped running across a shopping centre forecourt in a subconscious attempt to prove that she is indeed a true blue Scot.
Lee’s leadership was mainly based on different ways of exclaiming ‘Fuck!” very loudly and encouraging his team mates to join in. They did. With gusto.
The highlight of the week followed the unravelling of Michael’s pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with Sir Alan by describing himself in his CV as a “good Jewish boy” when in reality he was only “Half Jewish” – which explained why he didn’t know what Kosher was. On hearing this Sir Alan suggesting Michael drop his pants to show if he’d circumcised his plonker.
I think he was just pulling it myself.
Oh and Jennifer got fired too. Fair enough. She was shite.
Filed under: Rants, family, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, Apprentice 2008, BBC, BBC Apprentice, kevin shaw, raef, sir alan
If I was a reasonable person, and I’m not – or else you wouldn’t be reading this – I would not slag off twitty Raef at all in this post because the volume of alternative quality material on tonight’s Apprentice leaves him trailing.
But, and it’s a big but, he did say…
“The spoken word is my tool.” (Well, we all know he IS A TOOL, but this was a different take on that thought.)
And
“”Bravo!” after Myleen Klasse’s recital in the house.
And
“”Single people are the forgotten part of society.” (Oh really Raef? How awful for you.)
However, the week’s delights were saved for Kevin Shaw.
Let’s put this all in perspective before we start on the details.
Kevin Shaw is an arse.
For instance he said that he…
“Will do anything to be the most succesful businessman in the world by the time I am 40.”
Which obviously sits squarely with his declaration that
“I always try 150%.” (Not quite sure how one does that actually.)
Kevin Shaw – this is him here…
…put the “laughing at you” into the “I”m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.”
I mean, if this is the cream of British management potential, I am a potential Chelsea player.
The ineptness of his management of the task, which consisted of him authorising the creation of a greetings card to celebrate being green, was unprecedented. Ria, my 13 year old daughter said, (IMMEDIATELY the idea was raised) “You can’t send a green card! It would need to be an e-card because sending a card isn’t green.”
And so did Sir Alan. But ugly Ginger Spice railroaded him into it.
Claire, who accused Kevin of having “short man syndrome” – that’s rich from someone with “ugly boot syndrome” – spent most of the task being nicer than she’s ever been in her life before (she didn’t actually sever anyone’s head during the making of the programme for a start) and, as a consequence, survived.
Oh, it was a goodun.
Filed under: Rants, business, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, Lucinda, raef, sir alan, The Apprentice 2008, The Apprentive TV programme
Not a classic week really. Raef hardly made an arse of himself at all.
Well, it’s all relative.
He’s been keeping a low profile but still managed to pop up with an absurdism. When Sir Allan challenged one of his prepostrous ideas – selling ice cream to an ice cream maker – Sir Alan suggested that this was like selling the might Sir Alan himself a satellite receiver
Unbelievably ArseRaef didn’t take the bail out option but instead reaffirmed his own oafishness by claiming “If I had absolute belief I’d still turn up [to sell it to Sir Alan].”
Lucinda surprised us all by metamorphosing from a rubbishy, wee, lazy but quite nice, posh bird into a right-on team playing team leader – actually the best in the series so far – and was rewarded with defeat.
Her boardroom performance was not brilliant but she managed to survive Irish bitch Jennifer’s assault. Lindi Mngaza (certainly not “Eyeless in Gaza” if you consider the eye-bling) blew it big style.
The Boot, Claire Young, toned down the bootishness quite well and got a pure spot of luck with a big sale at the last minute to keep her in for a near future firing.
Prick of the week? Oh deffo Michael Sophocles. He may yet out-Raef Raef.
Who’ll win. God knows, they’re all pish in different ways. Actually, for me Lucinda moved significantly up the leaderboard as she showed that she can manage and, you know what? That’s what this series is about.
Filed under: Arts, Rants, big brother, business, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, being posh, raef, sir alan, the apprentice, the apprentice week 4, titface, you're fired
Tittyboy Raef kept his profile well below the radar (Yah) until the final seconds this week, when he blew it by being spotted wearing a preposterous pink skinny rib v-neck that only posh folk would be seen dead in as the house awaited the survivors of the eviction coming back.
Clearly Simon (nice but nasty) found himself well out of his depth – surrounded on one side by the barking Doberman that is Claire (by the way what is the difference between a Doberman and a woman with PMT? You can reason with a Doberman) and on the other by ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my handsome blue eyed mouth’ Alex who totally shafted him from the start.
Claire annoyed Sir Alan so much that I sympathised with him. She is a gobby boot. See you as you get fired next week Claire.
Filed under: Rants, business, humour, jokes, life, stories, the apprentice, tv | Tags: adrian chiles, Alan sugar, being a dad, child support, fatherhood, ian stringer, looking after your kids, parenting, reality, reality tv, respect, support, the apprentice, you're fired
Ian Stringer was rightly fired.
He was inept. Handsome, perhaps, but inept.
But on this occassion it wasn’t so much the main Apprentice programme that horrified us in Gorman Heights, it was the follow up show hosted by Adrian Chiles which , in some ways, almost exceeds the wonderment of its parent. Which leads me to my main conclusion from this week’s show
It stemmed from what at first seemed like a perfectly innocent question.
Ian Stringer’s Dad was asked by Childsey.
“Did he let you down dad?” in a jocular Black Country fashion only for Stringer’s Dad to stun both me and Jeana with his emphatic answer.
“Yes.”
Accompanied by a slightly evil looking toothy, smarmy grin.
What I say to that is that Mr Stringer Senior is a disgrace to his son and I think we should leave this week’s Apprentice review at that
Poor show Dad. Very poor show.
(Other than to say that Raef continues to blind us with inanity.
Anyone who says they will give “110%” is in my book a poor arithmetical judge. Or, simply a fool.)
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, humour, jokes, life, stories | Tags: Alan sugar, Amstrad, apprentice, the apprentice
Gee whizz. Cor blimey. Luvaduck.
C’mon Sir Alan get your head in gear. You made a bad, nae awful, decision firing Shazia tonight.
It was obviously a wierdo week in Sir Alan’s office because he had a pure moment of madness getting shot of Shazia.
The material he had to dispose of (in the form of the girly team leader) was remarkable. It was a bounty of embarrassments, led principally by team leader, Jenny.
Jenny was one of the classic asswipes in the history of “Apprentice” team leadership – aggressive, monstrous, unthoughtful, bitchy, unhelpful, vindictive, poisonous, thoughtless, hideous, defamatory.
Actually, now that I think about it, I quite liked her.
Except that she often looks like a bulldog licking piss off a netle and she was a total cow to her team – especially the hapless Jock blonde – Lucinda – she’ll be gone soon too.
However, let us not deflect our attention from king wank; Raef.
He is a cock.
He started this week’s episode by saying
“Oh Fock, I’ve facked my tosk.”
Or some other such twittishness.
Let’s not forget that first and foremost, this is a class war and the toffs will lose.
My money at present is on Simon.
My favourite bit of the whole show was Sir Alan giving the Burds pure hell for setting up a 24 hr laundry hotline.
Why?
“To see if the skid marks were out of my boxers yet?” He asked. (Kinda.)
Oh, it’s great.
Filed under: Rants, Scotland, business, family, humour, jokes, life, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, apprentice, apprentices, britishness, fired, sir alan sugar, the apprentice, the class system, you're fired
What a laugh we had last night. The Mrs , myself and Ria. The Apprenice is, in so many ways, the greatest thing on British TV.
It’s about class first and foremost – and anyone who enjoys the programme and disagrees is kidding themselves.
It’s about emotion.
It’s certainly funny.
It’s about arrogence.
It’s about banal stupidity and therefore viewer superiority.
It’s about good versus evil.
It’s about double guessing Sir Alan.
It’s about Margaret and Nick.
It’s about life.
It is life affirming.
Oh, I love it so much. It makes me laugh so much I could cry.
But last night (week one) it was most certainly about class. Working class hero Alex, and team leader, versus a couple of fucking toffs. (You can probably see where I’m coming from on this one).
The Apprentice, is visceral television. One (you) has (have) to scream at the screen because the antics are so outstanding.
So, surprise, surprise I was shouting for the adequate Northern (and educated) team leader in favour of the useless twat (and educated), toff pricks, who let their team down.
Nicholas Delancey- Brown and Raef Byanyu to be precise.
Can you really, honestly see Raef Byanyu on the shop floor with Sir Alan. No, don’t be bloody ridiculous. He is a twit. A big bally twit. Twitty twit, twit, that’s what I bally say!
And as for Nick Delancy whatsisname, he’s back to Arsingale-on-Bandit on the first ruddy limo that he could find.
Being superiorly inferior.
See ya. Woudnae wanna be ya!
