gibberish


A new twist on the world’s greatest mashup.

If you don’t live in Edinburgh this might pass you by but if you do it’s quality local politics pish.



well…Edinburgh’s Fucked
August 4, 2009, 10:48 pm
Filed under: humour, jokes, life | Tags: , , , , , , ,

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So spake Jo Caulfield on day one of her run at the Edinburgh Festival.  Maybe she has a point.  Certainly her look was one of bemusement.  She had turned up to the world’s greatest arts festival and it was, like, fucked.

after that outstanding intro observation she was… Ho hum.



Mark Waites. Mother London

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I was extraordinarily priveleged to host an event for STV last night in which we had Mark Waites, founder and creative director of Mother London, speak.

By 3 am, as the grappa had flowed ceaselessly at Rufus Wedderburn’s gaff, I was quite tired.

But Mark was wonderful and if you follow this link you’ll find a fantastic photographic capture of the event thanks to my dear friend, Mike Coulter.  He likes a grappa or two, too.



Suntrap Garden Open Day – This Sunday

It’s been a very busy month getting ready for the Open Day.  It’s this Sunday, 24 May, from 10.30 am to 4.30 pm.

We’re donating to Perennial, Gardeners’ Royal Benevolent Society.

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It’s always a good day out with gardening demonstrations, advice, plant sales, children’s games and this year there will be a beautiful 18 month old snowy owl called Eubee.  For more information check out the Suntrap blog.

There’s an added bonus this year, Mark and I are volunteering in the garden centre.

Why not come along and enjoy a great day out.



Hoors

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A Scottish word meaning ladies of the night.  Not particularly a term of affection and one used frequently in Fife where people refer to one another as “ya hoor ye.”

It’s an appropriate title then for Gregory Burke’s latest play which is currently premièring at he Traverse because Burke is fiercely proud of his Fife-ness.  His first play ‘Gagarin Way’ is named after a street in Fife which, in turn, is rather randomly named after the famous cosmonaut who has, to my knowledge, as much Fife Blood in him as I have Russian.

The Black Watch, the regiment that inspired Burke’s tour de force, are largely recruited from Fife, and Hoors is set in Fife in the aftermath of a calamitous stag night where the bridegroom to be only goes and dies.

We open in the bride to be’s living room as she prepares for the following day’s funeral with her sister; pishing it up.

They’re waiting on a couple of lads.  The ‘brides’ bit on the side and his mate; a right Jack the lad (in his shady past).

The play, literally, rotates between the bride’s bedroom and living room where various debates and revelations unravel themselves over the next hour and a half.

Sex and death.  Or shagging and copping it are the main themes in a show that is peppered with hilarious one-liners and foul-mouthed observations.  But great insights and depth of meaning seemed pretty thin on the ground.  That’s fine by me, as not everything has to carry the burden of enlightenment with it.  But I gather Mr Burke is a bit hacked off with the post-Black Watch expectations which mark this, to some,  as a weak follow up.

I can’t comment.  I’ve read Gagarin Way which I liked very much but I didn’t see the Black Watch.

Both Jeana and I enjoyed this.  But it’s a Chinese meal of a play.  Good at the time but you’re still craving a chippy at midnight.



Gasp! Check this out.
April 22, 2009, 8:37 am
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, humour, life, sports | Tags: , , , , ,



Good guys

You know me.  You know I will mercilessly lambast any company that takes the piss out of its customers , and me in particular.  Previous posts have ripped apart Mondial Insurance, Nationwide Insurance, Sky, Baxters, Tesco.  The list is long.  The misdemeanors multifarious.

So it’s good to report the opposite once in a while, so please come to the stage to take your deserved applause…

The Radiator studio.

Based in Bonar Place in Edinburgh the owner, Big John, went so far out of the way that it is impossible to record, in the confines of mere blogging, how much he helped my mother when he put in her new bathroom suite.  Having discovered that the walls were absolutely shot to bits he took everything back to the brick and physically rebuilt her entire bathroom.

How much extra did he charge her for this monumental task?

Nowt.  Not a penny.

I salute you Big John.  Cheers Mate.  Anyone looking for new radiators.  Get on down to The Radiator Studio.

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The Lion, the witch and the Wardrobe at The Royal Lyceum Theatre Edinburgh

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I took the whole family to see this on Saturaday. A rare occurance that we were all engaged in the same activity for any more than five minutes. I wasn’t entirely expecting willing compliance but was surprisingly proved wrong as we all set out with an open mind and eager anticipation.

It’s a major challenge to mount a stage adaptation of a well known (and loved; although I never read it) book that has just been through the Holywood special effects machine. On the one hand it can never reach the pyrotechnics of movieland and on the other it’s a big ask to reach the heights of children’s imagination that reading inspires. I am glad to say it rose to the not inconsiderable challenge. Director Mark Thomson refers, in his programme notes, to the central theme of good versus evil being eternally relevant and, of course, this is true.

The show is a visual spectacle. The flyman has had a bit of work to do in recent Lyceum shows, but not that much. I think he’ll have lost a couple of stones by the end of this run because the magical world of Narnia is revealed and hidden regularly by way of flown in scenery and quite a few trucks too (that’s theatre techy speak. If you don’t understand it try Google.)

I’m constantly amazed by the Lyceum’s sound/music man, Philip Pinsky, who is an ex member of Finitribe, and who brings a huge amount to this production, not least the electric opening scene that reminded me in some way of the Atonement soundtrack. It’s absolutely brilliant.

The acting is universally good although there are two undoubted standouts, the White Witch, played by Meg Fraser who is quite astounding. Her mix of evilness, oddness, weirdness and clowning is a rare thing indeed, and Owain Rhys Davies as the Dwarf is hilarious.

If I have one criticism it sagged a little in the second act but overall this is a really wonderful Christmas treat that you might be lucky enough to get a ticket for. But you better get a move on.



silk cut
December 7, 2008, 11:30 pm
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, advertising, life, photography | Tags: , ,


I took this yesterday and kind of like it. The good people of Flickr seem to like it too. I called it Silk Cut because the sky reminded me of those old Silk Cut ads with the swathes of purple silk.

It looks much better on Flickr.  Click on the pic to see how much better.



No one will ever forgive us, by The National Theatre of Scotland at The Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh

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Well.

Here’s a one.

I have to declare two interests from the outset.

I am a Catholic.

My cousin (Susan Vidler) is in this play.

So I’m biased.

Paul Higgins, may be the most remarkable new stage-writing talent since Gregory Burke.  It really is written brilliantly, flowing along at 100 miles an hour packed with hilarious one liners, and I believe it’s autobiographical. (Actually it’s very unfair of me to heap this comparative praise on Paul Higgins given my lack of comparative insight; but if he isn’t the best then Scottish Theatre is absolutely booming.)

I urge you to see this play before it is too late. (It was pretty much sold out on a dreich Tuesday in late November.)

It’s a fantastic smorgasbord of Scottishness. As the nation of doom we like to dwell on the dark side and this does it magnificently. I honestly have never encountered a script, in film or on stage, that leaps like Bambi on steroids, between bleak nihilism and outrageous humour, line by line, quite as well as this.

It is remarkable.

The main theme centres on belief 9or lack of it). I suppose the key character in the five person cast is the youngest son who has opted out of the seminary (or is that safe haven?) that he has studied at for seven years because he has become atheistic. Is there a God? Is there a Catholic God (OMG)? Is there a point? Why should I coexist with you? Have I a future?

But, at the gleaming, glowing, pulsating, dangerous centre of it all is the horrific patriarch, Gary Lewis. What a performance. The drunk, child-beating, wife-hating (but actually not particularly misogynistic) husband engulfs the stage with his presence.

It is massive.

The audience howled with tears and laughter and, for me, it was another triumphant National Theatre of Scotland performance. I’ve seen three this year in three different theatres.

They all demonstrated our brilliance.



Macbeth by The Royal Lyceum Theatre Company (in conjunction with Nottingham Playhouse)

If you’ve been thinking of going to see this but haven’t quite got round to it you better get your finger out because it ends on Saturday.

And extracting the digit would be a very good idea.

I approached this with no real qualifications and indeed comment on it as a Shakespearean no mark.  I have not studied even a page of Shakespeare in my life.  I don’t understand the politics (and boy there’s plenty here) the language, the context or the history.  Apart from that I am scholarly.

So Joyce Macmillan’s two star review in The Scotsman alarmed me.  What was I letting myself in for?

I’ll tell you what.  A bloody good night’s entertainment (with the emphasis on bloody).

The staging was magnificent, the lighting, sound design and music; all terrific.

The acting was top notch.  Liam Brennan as Macbeth looks like he’s put his heart, soul and every ounce of his being into this role.  He looks and sounds exhausted, but that’s because his passion for the part and command of the stage and the role are quite remarkable.  Allison McKenzie, as his complicent wife (complicent in the lust for power that is) belies the fact that she has made her name in River City – a soap that I have thankfully managed to avoid totally, and Jimmy Chisholm in a number of roles is great; particularly in the one comedy scene as the drunken Porter in which he brought the house down.

It’s an intense and very involving theatrical experience and hugely rewarding.

In recalling MacMillan’s review the thing that stood out was her dismissal of the period setting (is modern necessarily good I ask myself?) and her strong criticism of the role of the witches which she, from memory, saw as overly indulgent, overpowering and ham fisted.  Me? I thought they were an imaginative and thrilling part of the whole.

Please see it if you have the chance.

It brought back memories of my one and only Shakespearean involvement, in the chorus of Verdi’s Macbeth by Edinburgh Grand Opera in the late 80’s.  Another superb production featuring one of opera’s least talented practitioners.  Moi.  But boy did I enjoy it.

So that’s two Macbeth’s and two stonkers.  I am lucky indeed.



365 by the national Theatre of Scotland

I was privileged to be among the audience at the opening night of The National Theatre of Scotland’s Festival production of 365 -a new play by David Harrower (appropriate name) and directed by Vicky Featherstone, at The Playhouse in Edinburgh last night.

The show was sold out and for good reason.

It’s a polemic piece about the plight of young people entering society after life in care. The show explores, through a cast of about 16, mostly in their teens, what the reality of life is in such a friendless, hostile and downright scary environment.

It’s performed by an ensemble, so no one particular actor stood out. But the technical achievements were noteworthy. Set, sound design, lighting and choreography were all outstanding. Paul Buchanan’s specially commissioned song that forms a central part of the denouement is spine tingling.

The acting is universally good and at times excellent.

But the greatness of the play is all about the writing.

This is very modern theatre and, as such, doesn’t follow a plotline or typical narrative structure and although it’s fairly bleak it’s by no means humourless. Fundamentally though it touches on the very darkest side of society – misogyny, neglect, class, prejudice, sexual orientation, fear and lack of confidence. Essentially it is about loneliness because most of the relationships we witness are a veneer.

Life as a kid with no familial network is not a good place to be and David Harrower brings this into sharp relief quickly and consistently.

I think it could do with a touch of editing but overall this is an important, thought-provoking and engaging piece of work.

I notice it’s playing at the Lyric, Hammersmith from 9 – 29 September. Not knowing the theatre I suspect it will be rather less spectacular than in The Playhouse which, as a stage, offers wide open spaces (and which contributed to the theme of isolation by its very brooding presence).

It’s distinctly Scottish, but the points it makes are universal and you lot in Englandshire shouldn’t struggle too much with the dialect. (You might not like the language though. My god, the National Theatre of Scotland like a fucking swearword do they not?)



Suntrap Garden Open Day – 25th May

Jeana works at Suntrap Garden near Ratho.

So, I’d like to suggest that you make a date in your diary for a trip out for its Open Day on 25th May, 10.30 am – 4.30 pm.  If the weather stays like it is just now it’ll be a fantastic day out in a beautiful spot with money going to charity.

Here’s the link.

These shots were taken last year at the Open day.



Sun(y)life Hearts Plan

Are you worried about the future?

Let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger and we all have to think about our lavish lifestyles after our careers are over.

  • Are you well past your best?
  • Are you looking for an easy life?
  • Are you looking for an easy way to enter Britain?

Then you are eligible for the Hearts Life-Plan!

WE PAY YOU over £10,000 a week, there’s a pointless medical and no salesperson will call (you might even get a shot at being manager).

CALL NOW!

There’s a FREE house, car and limitless golf at some of Scotland’s finest courses.

Don’t take our word for it, read these recommendations from some very satisfied clients….

“When I’m no longer playing, I know my family will be financially secure”

Mr Beslija, Belgium

“I recommended the Hearts plan to all my friends back home.”
Mr Saulious, Edinburgh

“The Hearts plan supplemented my pension, just when I thought it was too late.”
Mr Pressley, Glasgow

“The generosity of the Hearts plan is unmatched in the world of pension finance. It was the best move I have ever made.”
Mr E Kurkis, Lithuania

“Even when everyone said I was too old, Hearts were prepared to supplement my pension with an outrageous offer.”
Mr Neil, Edinburgh

“Despite being permanently injured I was still eligible for the Hearts Life-plan – year after year!”
Mr Pinilla, Chile

So don’t sit there worrying about the future – relax – that phone will ring!

Hearts Life-Plan is regulated by V Romanov and his pals at the bank and is funded by the 10,000 who have invested in the “HMFC Season Ticket” pyramid scam over the last 3 years.



what goes around, comes around

Anyone having the misfortune to have to get around Edinburgh at any point between now and 2011 will find this image particularly resonant.  Because the brilliant tram system (I’m told) that was ripped out a couple of generations ago is being put back in again.  In a modern and congested city centre that means upheval.

A bit like this.

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The description that goes with it is as follows…

Laying tram lines, Leith Walk

Labourers work at laying tramlines in the cobblestone road down Leith Walk, Edinburgh. Many of the men’s tools can be seen, these include wheelbarrows, pickaxes and shovels. Some of the workers are sitting amongst piles of loose stones which have yet to be replaced around the tramlines. In the background are tenement buildings, a hotel, and some shops, above one there is a clock tower.

 
 


Make way for the new David Bailey…
March 31, 2008, 8:55 pm
Filed under: Arts, Scotland, life, photography, stories | Tags: , , , , ,

LOL.

I am a published photographer.

It’s not quite Magnum but it’s better than nowt.

For those of you who can’t be bothered with links this is my moment of fame. And you can see more on my Flickr site which is easily accessed in the sidebar to the left.

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one of life’s great treats

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You know as well as I do that Ansell Adams is a great, really great, photographer. I suspect that the difference between you and I though is that, as of Saturday, I have seen his work in the flesh.

So what, you might say.

So everything I would retort.

Have you ever seen a real life Tission? A Boticelli? A Caravaggio? A Canaletto? Have you ever seen a reproduction of them? If you have you will understand how visceral the experience was of seeing the real thing is in the flesh. So imagine seeing not one but 150 Adams’ in the flesh.

Here, In Edinburgh, for only £4, with no more than 300 people in the gallery.

All of his most famous work is on display (until April). The first surprise is the size of the prints, few are larger than 10 x 8.

The second is the low lighting conditions. (Quite challenging, but these prints need to be protected.)

The third is how gobsmackingly brilliant the execution of these photos is. It’s one thing composing and capturing these brilliant shots, it’s another thing entirely developing and printing to this level of excellence. I actually cannot describe how breathtaking it is. The skies are often black, pitch black, against grey mountains and small pools of razor-sharp, piercing light.

One can concieve, just, how this can be achieved in Photoshop world, but in 1945? Honestly, the techical achievement is unreal. Almost literally.

As for the photos, what more can I possibly add to the huge body of slavvering adulation?

Nothing.

But, for the record, both Jeana and I had these shots as the highlights.

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You simply would not comprehend how beautiful the effect of the moving water is in this image.

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No, not ‘Half Dome’.

Your computer screen will not even remotely do this photo justice.

There is only one way. Get on a plane to Edinburgh.

Now!

PS. He is not perfect. A significant chunk of the exhibition features his experimental work on parchment coloured Kodak paper that, for me, killed his shots. The paper does not hold the contrast of his skies and they appear insipid compared to his silver Gelatin work.



1576 Advertising RIP

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On the 1st of September 1994 David Reid, Adrian Jeffery and myself put the last touch of paint onto the basement wall of our basement home in Tweeddale Court on Edinburgh’s prestigious Royal Mile (we always used Royal Mile in our address because it sounded better than High Street, which was the official postal address). I stood there, resplendent in green and white Y Fronts (I always painted in my Y fronts because it was easier to clean your skin than your trousers) and took a deep breath. This was it. It wasnt a dream or an adventure anymore. It was our livelihood.

At 9.23 the phone rang. Our only client, Spectacles, who one day become 20 20 Opticians.

“Oh Hi John ” I said ” I expect you’re phoning to set up a meeting…”

“No, I’m phoning to fire you.”

I’d never even met him. He was a complete twat as this, and future history (if there is such a thing) went on to prove.

We’d now gone from a prospective income of £12,000 pa to zip; nada; fuck all.

Eight days later Jeana gave birth to our second and third child (the third conception and pregnancy was not some form of record – we had twins).

We were right in the shit then.

Better get some business.

As luck, some would say talent, would have it though we did get some business (Holywood Bowl) and some more (The Blood Transfusion Service) and some more (Smiths Menswear) and some more (Sinclairs Criminal Lawyers) so that by Christmas we had our first six commercials on air. We made a handsome profit in year one and paid off our personal debts. We never drew down the start up capital and things just went from good to better.

One year, I can’t remember exactly when, we had nine nominations at the Scottish Ad Awards and every single one of them won a Gold, meaning that we tied with The Lieth Agency as the top award winners. They were lucky to escape with a tie because we were better.

At times we were cocky bastards. At times we weren’t. (I can’t remember when though.)

But gradually we got bigger and bigger. We won multi-million pound accounts that sucked the energy and, to be honest, the creativity out of us. We became like the establishment that we felt so superior about.

I got bored.

I left in 2003.

But, you know what, those times were, on the whole, the best. I made my bravest, and most foolish, clientesque decisions.

Picture the scene. David and Adrian, having been briefed by me to write a series of commercial virals selling 1576, present me with five scripts with a man dressed up as a six foot penis trying to perform office and day-to-day functions in the guise of a rubbish marketing director (most obscene of all was the penis going for a piss) and I said

“Fabulous, hilarious, it will really stand out!”

It did.

Not for good reasons.

Ruth’s Bar, the Friday night swalley, was a hoot – because it was a “free” night out with your mates – and believe me, 1576 were my mates. Every last bloody one of them.

I loved, really loved, the people I worked with. We all cried when I left. Many of us cried last night too (I’m sure) when we learned that cocky, creative, amazing, get it up ya, 1576 was no more.

A very sad day and my heart goes out to David and all the team that were there at the end.

In an ironic, but wonderful, postscript one of the undoubted heroes of 1576, Mimi, gave birth to a baby girl, her first, yesterday afternoon, almost to the second that 1576 shut its doors for the last time.

Life’s an odd thing is it not?

1576

1/9/94 – 7/2/08



Edinburgh Festival to be bombed. Fact.

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Is it just me or is Supt Lovegrove just being a bit of a scaremongering tosser? “It’s not just a case of “if” but “when” he tells us.

I appreciate that the public needs to be vigilant. But does it have to be terrified, and does he have to put out a message that can only damage the festival.

One of Britain’s most senior counter-terrorism officers last night warned it was only a matter of time before Edinburgh was subjected to a devastating attack.

Superintendent Brett Lovegrove said Scotland’s capital would be an “extremely attractive” objective for terrorists – and said the Edinburgh International Festival, which last year attracted 380,000 visitors, was a prime target.

Speaking at an anti-terrorism seminar in the capital, Mr Lovegrove, the head of counter-terrorism for the City of London Police, said: “Edinburgh is an extremely attractive proposition to terrorists, as it has many international businesses, an airport, sports stadiums and crowded streets.

“In particular, the Festival ticks all the right boxes, so it’s essential the public are made aware of the threat and what action should be taken.

“Like London and New York, it is also an iconic city which is flooded with tourists all year round.

“Last year’s Glasgow airport attack proved Scotland isn’t immune to the threat of terrorism. Unfortunately, it isn’t a case of ‘if’ there will be an attack on Edinburgh but ‘when’.”

Read the whole article here. And the comments – most of which subscribe to my point of view (other than the person who wittily exclaims that a bomb going off at the Edinburgh Festival would be a good thing. Oh really? a few hundred Edinburghers and arty tourists dead and maimed would be a good thing? An interesting take on terrorism).

Should The Scotsman have risen to this sensationalism and printed the story?

You tell me…



Makes you pit a line oan!

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That’s the old gag and phoenetic translation of Hibees’ new manager’s name; Mixu Paatelainen. But I tell you what, new manager or not, I’d not be rushing to bet on Hibs putting Inverness Caley Thistle out of the cup this afternoon. I hope these are non-prophetic words. But time will tell.

Prediction?

Hibs 1 Thistle 1

Replay

Thistle 2 Hibs 0

Will Thistle win the cup? Will they buggery.



New work
We were beavering away before Christmas at 60 Watt on this rather good campaign, if I say so myself. Kept me out of the pub at least some of the time. Hope you like it.elb739_january-campaign-a4_aw.jpg

That’s the chaps’ version.

And this is the chapess’s.

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Check 60 Watt out here.

We also made several thousand of those smiley devises and stuck them on wooden sticks to distribute around the gyms. They look fab and are really quite amusing.