Filed under: business, humour, the apprentice, work | Tags: Arjun Rajyagor, Jumior apprentice, sir alan, the apprentice, you're fired
Bless.
And so, the all too brief but wondrous, Junior Apprentice comes to an end with unquestionably the most likaeable Apprentice winner ever in Arjun Rayjagor.
Charming, articulate, willing, creative and…god…so polite.
I would hire this young man in the blink of an eye.
The rest were the usual hotch potch of wannabees and prats. But somehow, Junior Apprentice captured the human condition a little more sweetly, a little more believably than its daddy.
It was, in fact, the daddy.
Karren Brady played a blinder too by the way. Just enough to make her presence known. Not too much to piss Margaret off.
Nick Rocked.
Sir Alan? Och. He gets all the best lines.
Filed under: family, life, tv, videos, work, Youtube | Tags: adam and joe, Alan sugar, Colgate Girl, Joe cornish, kate, lord alan, sir alan, the apprentice, Yasmina
The Apprentice improved as a viewing experience as the season wore on but it was by no means the best. Nonetheless we had a good final (Although Rocky didn’t seem to think so.) The last pick in that horrible playground throwback at the start of the programme; he looked distinctly un-chuffed about that and never raised a smile thereafter.
It was a complicated task, creating a new chocolate brand in three days, something that even we professional marketeers would never be challenged with in real life. For much of the show Colgate Girl’s team were going to call their brand “Intimacy”, and it was going to come in three sizes; small, large and ribbed, but they saw the light and opted instead for some Faux French pish.
They were outdone in all but the taste stakes by Yasmina’s Shock and Awe brand. (It was shocking and we were awestruck by how bad the chocolate tasted; anyone for strawberry and basil?)
Did the right one win? Only Sir (sorry Lord) Alan will know. I was surprised by the outcome I have to say, but frankly I wasn’t that bothered.
Roll on next year. Apparently Margaret won’t be there as she’s gone off to finish a Phd in papyrus.
“It’s really interesting.” She unconvincingly told us.
In honour of her departure I think we need to share Joe Cornish’s outstanding tribute to her.
OK, so we’re starting to suss out the cut of this lot’s gib now.
Poor old (young actually) Rocky really did have to go because he claimed to be a professional sandwich maker yet couldn’t tell his bloomer from his ciabatta.
We had some nice moments along the way, like when James told us he can ‘taste success in his spit when he wakes up in the morning’. I can taste last night’s toothpaste on a good day and stale Guinness on a bad day. (Actually this whole train of thought just leads my mind into places I think I shall just divert from in case my Mum ever reads it.)
Yasmina, the overtly Alpha female team leader, was a woman after my heart with her own label food purchases but it nearly all came back to haunt her when her canapes (canapes? I didn’t know Greggs did canapes) were described as being what you’d get at a funeral in a Working Men’s Club.
No question though we had a fiesty leader and an early contender on show there.
The wee sulking Asian guy is not my cup of tea insofar as a) who is he? b) what has he done? c) is he actually in the show. I don’t generally favour the lurk in the background and hope not to be noticed strategy and it seldom finds favour with Sir Alan.
But the find of the night was the non-evicted Howard “Get rid of the ugly guy.” my cruel family screamed at the TV - but not me. No, my interest was in his Raefish tendencies. I think he might have a hard to hide posh syndrome. He could be my future victim of uncalled for class persecution.
Oh, and the Blinis. For god’s sake, when could you buy Blinis from fish and chip shops?
Filed under: big brother, humour, jokes, life, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: claire, clur, lee mcqueen, sir alan
The awful, awful denouement.
The night Sir Alan gets it wrong.
He usually does actually. Like Michelle was better than the Badger? I do not think so.
This year’s fuck up was a little less clear cut.
Let’s get the last episode into perspective first of all. Helene and Alex. Self centred, uncooperative losers that stumbled upon a really great perfume idea (idea, but not opportunity) that might have scraped the lesser team into the final.
It didn’t.
So. Clur and Lee. Who did work very well as a team. It was quite poignant watching Clur (the superior) nurture Lee through his presentation fears.
But, I can’t really overlook Lee’s massive faux pas on his CV. Sorry Lee that was it for me.
Clur entered The Apprentice like a Rottweiler and left like an Alsation. But you know what? For me she was the contestant that most listened to “The Great Man” in the history of the programme.
No question she should have won.
Sir Alan made the wrong decision.
Sir Alan…
“You’re retired!”
Filed under: big brother, business, jokes, life, Rants, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: apprentice, sir alan
And now, the end is near and so we face the final curtain.
Regrets, we’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
Indeed.
Life as an Apprentice candidate is little to do with regret and all to do with opportunity.
I thought Paul Whitehouse’s review of Sunday night’s insight into the finalists’ psyche was remarkably close to my own opinion of the veritable tosspottery that this year’s candidates is. And yet, it is the most compelling television that this nation produces.
In effect tonight was the season closer.
It is all too clear that Clur has won. Next week is simply the crowning of the mockit monarch. Surrounded by her working class guard of honour.
The dismissal of Lucinda tonight merely proved the fact that Sir Alan is a class warrior and can’t abide posh. I have been accused through my commentary on this series of being anti-posh but this simply isn’t true. I’ve supported Lucinda throughout – she has a brain after all – but titty-boy Raef and his clueless lover Michael Sophocles gave poshness a bad name.
For posh, read dim – in their cases.
Anyway, the final four at least represents the best of a bad lot.
As discussed, Clur will win handsomely (that was irony). She proclaimed last night that she didn’t want to be a “big fat lemon” which begged the obvious question; “Well, why are you wearing a yellow top then?”
Lee can’t win because he was duped into being
a) a Pterodactyl and
b) a liar (about his education)
in last night’s interviews and is lucky still to be in it.
Helene has dragged herself out of the mire but can’t win because Sr Alan absolutely hates her.
Alex can’t win because he is a wee wankypoo.
“I’m only 24″ he keeps proclaiming. 24 what? I wonder. 24 times the national average irritation factor.
So, it’s Clur all the way for me.
Gobby, lemony, irritating bitch that she is.
We luv u Clur.
(Oh fuck. Big Brother starts tomorrow night.)
Filed under: business, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, the apprentice, tv | Tags: Alan sugar, sir alan
The Apocalyptic Sophocles popped off in a cataclysmic and apostatic apology tonight.
And so say all of us.
The creep was a man, or so he would have liked to be known!
But, actually he was just a wee jumped up Raef-loving titty boy junior.
Hurrah though, he’s gone. And so we can concentrate on the remaining dross.
Lee. Whao big boy. Well hard. Treated Lucinda like shit and must have lost the female vote. I’ve long argued that he’s Danger Man.
Lucinda. Great team leader. Absolute shit team player. I mean, come on, she stood in Central London asking people if they’d heard of a Zonda. Fair enough I suppose, but she was selling a bloody Aston Martin.
Helene. Not great. Superbitch early doors till the cameras turned on her. Can’t win.
Clair. The revelation of the series. Done a Badger and learned that if you are a total cow, everyone hates you and you don’t get the job. The Badger, of course, ran up against Sir Alan’s fancy bit and didn’t get the job. Well, he must have fancied her ‘cos she was useless. Claire has the advantage that the only blonde left is Lucinda and she’s on a well shoogly peg.
Alex. Tosspot. Period.
So, where does that leave me?
5th Helene
4th Alex
3rd Lucinda
2nd Lee
Winner Claire.
Feel free to contradict.
The leftovers are below…
Filed under: business, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: alan sugar apprentice, michael sophocles, sir alan
Ok. Let’s get Raef out of the way early.
He dressed up like this…
…to sell thongs.
Prick.
He said “People who are size 16 are that size for a reason, because they eat cake.” Well, as Marie Antoinette said “Let him eat cake.” Tittyboy. (She didn’t say the last bit).
Aside from that he was just your average run of the mill, run of the mill posh contestant.
Lucinda, on the other hand, rises above her poshness increasingly and is my current idea of the winner.
Claire has been on a “debooting” regime and is becoming not only marginally likeable but a contender too.
Michael Sophocles however is the real villian of the piece this, and pretty much every, week.
When, having gained a six hour “passion” for selling Wedding cakes, someone said no to his extremely hard sell approach that lacked entirely in sympathy, he exclaimed “You’re making a mistake. I mean God above…” and then gave the camera a wee insight by claiming they were all “dum dums.” Takes one to know one Michael.
Frankly there is only one word for this tosspot.
“Goodbye.”
I don’t like this little nyaf very much. He has a habit of making you want to punch him, very hard, very often, in the testicles and follow that up with a bit of bashing them between breeze blocks.
Sarah had to go, in due course, but not this week.
Her only crime was averageness.
Whatever.
Filed under: Arts, big brother, humour, jokes, life, Rants, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, michael sophocles, sir alan
So, The Apprentice would-bes get sent on a shopping trip to a Souk.
The perfect recipe for lies and ‘espionage’.
For me the episode revolved around Jen and Michael’s total disregard for honesty and decency – a pair of lying twats quite frankly. We’ve oft discussed Jen’s bootishness in the past on this site, but her decision to engulf herself in a pink headscarve only made her look like Miss Piggy on her dabs.
Now she looks like an ex-Apprentice.
Quite right.
(We can put the mirrors back up in the living room again.)
Her decision to try to boycott Team Alpha’s progress by stage whispering a pathetic bribe to a local tennis stringing ace was pathetic and for that reason alone she had to go.
Michael Sophocles survived somehow, despite being a wee wank. He makes Raef (amazingly no twit ups AT ALL this week) look like a normal member of society – in fact I’m beginning to think Raef might even be a contender!
The teams were great. It really was the battle of the boots and assholes versus the normals (and Raef).
Increasingly my money is piling onto Lucinda who put in another good performance. She even let slip a wee “Och” when she slipped running across a shopping centre forecourt in a subconscious attempt to prove that she is indeed a true blue Scot.
Lee’s leadership was mainly based on different ways of exclaiming ‘Fuck!” very loudly and encouraging his team mates to join in. They did. With gusto.
The highlight of the week followed the unravelling of Michael’s pathetic attempt to ingratiate himself with Sir Alan by describing himself in his CV as a “good Jewish boy” when in reality he was only “Half Jewish” – which explained why he didn’t know what Kosher was. On hearing this Sir Alan suggesting Michael drop his pants to show if he’d circumcised his plonker.
I think he was just pulling it myself.
Oh and Jennifer got fired too. Fair enough. She was shite.
Filed under: family, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, Apprentice 2008, BBC, BBC Apprentice, kevin shaw, raef, sir alan
If I was a reasonable person, and I’m not – or else you wouldn’t be reading this – I would not slag off twitty Raef at all in this post because the volume of alternative quality material on tonight’s Apprentice leaves him trailing.
But, and it’s a big but, he did say…
“The spoken word is my tool.” (Well, we all know he IS A TOOL, but this was a different take on that thought.)
And
“”Bravo!” after Myleen Klasse’s recital in the house.
And
“”Single people are the forgotten part of society.” (Oh really Raef? How awful for you.)
However, the week’s delights were saved for Kevin Shaw.
Let’s put this all in perspective before we start on the details.
Kevin Shaw is an arse.
For instance he said that he…
“Will do anything to be the most succesful businessman in the world by the time I am 40.”
Which obviously sits squarely with his declaration that
“I always try 150%.” (Not quite sure how one does that actually.)
Kevin Shaw – this is him here…
…put the “laughing at you” into the “I”m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.”
I mean, if this is the cream of British management potential, I am a potential Chelsea player.
The ineptness of his management of the task, which consisted of him authorising the creation of a greetings card to celebrate being green, was unprecedented. Ria, my 13 year old daughter said, (IMMEDIATELY the idea was raised) “You can’t send a green card! It would need to be an e-card because sending a card isn’t green.”
And so did Sir Alan. But ugly Ginger Spice railroaded him into it.
Claire, who accused Kevin of having “short man syndrome” – that’s rich from someone with “ugly boot syndrome” – spent most of the task being nicer than she’s ever been in her life before (she didn’t actually sever anyone’s head during the making of the programme for a start) and, as a consequence, survived.
Oh, it was a goodun.
Filed under: business, life, Rants, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, Lucinda, raef, sir alan, The Apprentice 2008, The Apprentive TV programme
Not a classic week really. Raef hardly made an arse of himself at all.
Well, it’s all relative.
He’s been keeping a low profile but still managed to pop up with an absurdism. When Sir Allan challenged one of his prepostrous ideas – selling ice cream to an ice cream maker – Sir Alan suggested that this was like selling the might Sir Alan himself a satellite receiver
Unbelievably ArseRaef didn’t take the bail out option but instead reaffirmed his own oafishness by claiming “If I had absolute belief I’d still turn up [to sell it to Sir Alan].”
Lucinda surprised us all by metamorphosing from a rubbishy, wee, lazy but quite nice, posh bird into a right-on team playing team leader – actually the best in the series so far – and was rewarded with defeat.
Her boardroom performance was not brilliant but she managed to survive Irish bitch Jennifer’s assault. Lindi Mngaza (certainly not “Eyeless in Gaza” if you consider the eye-bling) blew it big style.
The Boot, Claire Young, toned down the bootishness quite well and got a pure spot of luck with a big sale at the last minute to keep her in for a near future firing.
Prick of the week? Oh deffo Michael Sophocles. He may yet out-Raef Raef.
Who’ll win. God knows, they’re all pish in different ways. Actually, for me Lucinda moved significantly up the leaderboard as she showed that she can manage and, you know what? That’s what this series is about.
Filed under: Arts, big brother, business, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, the apprentice, tv, work | Tags: Alan sugar, being posh, raef, sir alan, the apprentice, the apprentice week 4, titface, you're fired
Tittyboy Raef kept his profile well below the radar (Yah) until the final seconds this week, when he blew it by being spotted wearing a preposterous pink skinny rib v-neck that only posh folk would be seen dead in as the house awaited the survivors of the eviction coming back.
Clearly Simon (nice but nasty) found himself well out of his depth – surrounded on one side by the barking Doberman that is Claire (by the way what is the difference between a Doberman and a woman with PMT? You can reason with a Doberman) and on the other by ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my handsome blue eyed mouth’ Alex who totally shafted him from the start.
Claire annoyed Sir Alan so much that I sympathised with him. She is a gobby boot. See you as you get fired next week Claire.
