Brexit. The omnishambles of all omnishambles.


Almost on a daily basis I sit slack-jawed as I read the latest developments in the ‘Brexit negotiations’ and in the words of David Byrne “I say to myself; How did I get here?  How did I get here?”

This situation is not just a mess, an omnishambles, it’s a national disgrace.

One contributor to the debate in the staunchly anti-Brexit Guardian said this morning;

“…the throwing away of Margaret Thatcher’s negotiated rebate…we being the only country to have one…the continuing use of our own currency…not being in Schengen …things that were we ever to apply to rejoin the EU we will never have again.

We are throwing away not only membership of the EU and the freedoms for ordinary people that brings , but PREFERENTIAL membership negotiated by a conservative Prime Minister who, love her or hate her, wouldn’t think this current crop worth employing as cleaners.”

Even the word – an abominable mash up – turns my stomach.  It just sounds made up, as it is, but also foolish, trivial and yet it represents the biggest single economic catastrophe that no nation on earth would contemplate, other than Britain.  Any why?  Because a tiny minority voted in a horrendously misleading referendum on manifestos that were warped (and misleading) on both sides, to teach the then government a lesson.  And, agree with me or not, in a significant enough minority (certainly more than 2% I would argue) to get rid of Johnny Foreigner.

Will that work?  Yes it will.  But only the best and most useful, most employable ‘Johnnies’ who are returning to their Easter European homes in their droves after the pound collapsed and they find it a better economic option than remaining.

Ridiculous as it sounds, David Cameron now looks like a visionary, except for one tiny thing; despite his total opposition to it he offered the country an opportunity to vote for this fucking monstrosity at a time when the rabid right were enjoying farcical, almost comical, support during the ‘Farago years’.

This absolute Frankenstein creation is now being ‘negotiated’ to frankly, derision by the likes of Michel Barnier.  Can you imagine his private conversations?  I mean can you? Through howls of laughter in Mansion House-esque European meetings.

“…and you wouldn’t believe what he proposed next…”

“Oh Michel, I don’t know how you can keep a straight face.”

Now it emerges that the European Court of Justice will remain the highest court of jurisdiction in our land in the farcically titled ‘Period of transition’.  Another red line crossed.  Another ridiculous outcome.

Just like the ‘we won’t give them a penny’ bombast that marked early ‘negotiations’, yup that red line was crossed too.

‘All the Johnny Foreigners will be turfed out on their ears’.  That red line was crossed.

Can anyone give me a good honest definition of the benefits of this decision?  The government is sharply divided on the whole matter.  Most of the Labour party (despite what they say) and all of the SNP is pro-Europe.

I understand, but DO NOT respect, in this instance, the democratic rules of the nation  that a decision is a decision.  I suspect ‘No’ would win by a considerable margin if this was put to the country as a snap referendum under the question…

“Given what you now know of the Brexit process do you wish to continue Britain’s exit from Europe’

Surely there must be a democratic mechanism to, at the very least, debate this and put an end to this extreme stupidity because I don’t want my children living with the dire consequences of this absurd xenophobic pig-headed fuckwittery.

It’s all terribly, terribly sad.






An open letter to David Cameron as he finalises his plans to create his footnote in history…

Dear Mr Cameron

As you finalise your speech to the British House of Commons today I wonder if you would spare a second to reflect on the almost simultaneous considerations of one of the world’s most influential business leaders.

After all, what you are about to say in your speech is about cementing your global influence.  It’s about demonstrating that you are a man of substance and it’s about setting out the future of the planet for future generations.

Here’s what your contemporary, Mark Zuckerberg, said in an open letter to his and his wife’s daughter as he gifted 99% of his fortune to good causes.

“Your mother and I don’t yet have the words to describe the hope you give us for the future. Your new life is full of promise, and we hope you will be happy and healthy so you can explore it fully. You’ve already given us a reason to reflect on the world we hope you live in.

Like all parents, we want you to grow up in a world better than ours today

We will do our part to make this happen, not only because we love you, but also because we have a moral responsibility to all children in the next generation.

Today, most people die from five things – heart disease, cancer, stroke, neurodegenerative and infectious diseases…”

In Syria, David, you can add indiscriminate bombing to that list.

So, go on David.  Make history as only politicians can by acting out their warped ideologies, their personal chase for fame and glory, their boyhood dreams as they lie tucked up in bed reading Victor or Eagle or Commando..

Or pause for a second.  Take a moment.  Rewrite your script.

Try this.

“Right honourable ladies and gentlemen.  You might be expecting me to be about to implore that you stand shoulder to shoulder with me, with France, with Russia and with the USA in smashing the Islamic State Militants under cover in Syria by the use of macho and indiscriminate means.

But, look, I’ve slept on this, I’ve thought long and hard about it and I’ve changed my mind.  

Yes, I know, it might make me look indecisive, but I want to have a place in history that shows real wisdom and wealth in human terms. We can’t overcome the threat of Daesh by taking pot shots from planes.  We should take a stance and lead a united NATO, non NATO states, including, I might add, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Libya and the whole of the Middle East that are all involved in this sorry affair one way or another, to reach a considered strategic  and, most importantly, unified stance against the threat of Daesh.

I can see that bombs are not working; I’m not stupid after all.  They are merely a western imperialist statement.  An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and, what’s more, most often, the wrong eyes, innocent teeth.

Ladies and Gentlemen of this much respected house I say to you;  let’s draw breath; let’s invest our energies in finding a united strategic solution.  

Ladies and gentlemen of the RAF.  Stand at ease.

Mr Speaker, sir.”



Why David Cameron Should fear the next generation.

Dinner at 11.

OK this is something of a contrivance, but check out the wonderful David Cameron-despising Grace at 27:42..

A bunch of 11 year olds were selected from thousands to a dinner party and to talk about, well whatever they liked.

Love, marriage, (Superglue strong parental relationships), politics, education and bullying.

It’s often hilarious, sometimes charming.  And, yes, a little contrived.

The kids come from a variety of backgrounds with a range of views and experiences.  But all are remarkably articulate.

The real star of the show and the reason you should watch it is Grace (aged 10 and three quarters) who uses the platform to share her views on David Cameron.

This is it in all its glory.


She had a dream

Margaret Thatcher loathed the benfit driven leeches that she perceived Scotland to be.

But, we never elected her, just like we never elected David Cameron and his cronies.

Cameron is too scared to even debate independence with Alex Salmond because he realises AS OUR LEADER he a) has no mandate b) we loathe him c)In his own admissions he is too posh.

It’s interesting then, that in between the 70’s and teenies Independence pushes, Thatcher was an unwitting advocate of the outcome of independence.

By paraphrasing the quote below she was saying “We don’t want this lot.  We want to break them.  We want rid of them.”

Well, let’s grant her her wish posthumously; shall we?

I am indebted to James Mclaughlin for the inspiration for this poster idea, but please forgive the shocking art direction and general cobbled togetherness.

It’s the thought that counts.



This word is trending right now.

It’s trending because of the Olympics because they’re threatening to go Pete Tong (but won’t) but really the word could apply to a lot of things and it has the potential to become a real favourite of mine.

It could apply to the Easyjet check in process that I experienced at Naples airport last week.  Well, when I say process I mean complete lack of process.  It truly was an omnishambles and could have been solved so simply with a bit of literal (not even lateral) thinking.  Four flights checking in at around the same time (over about 40 minutes) and five check in desks one dedicated to fast pass check in that nobody was using because we ain’t falling for another way for SleasyJet to rip a tenner out of you) but anybody could check in to any desk.  The result?  As each flight became perilously close to gate closure all the remaining passengers were called to the front in a massive scrum – the worst case being 50 schoolkids headed to the front of the queue that we were in and held us up for half an hour.  Truly, miraculously stupid.  The solution.  One desk per flight and if you arrive late you miss your flight.  Simple.

It could apply to David Cameron and his House of Lords debacle.  Frankly it could apply to David Cameron.  Full Stop.

It could apply to Rangers FC and the entire farce that has attended the unraveling of their legacy of cheating.

It could apply to the mess that Lothian and Borders Police made of traffic managing the closure of the Edinburgh Bypass on Saturday when I nearly missed my dear Friend Kennny Harris’ funeral (as it happened I was 50 minutes late).

You see, omnishambles could become omnipresent in my vocabulary.  Look forward to it.

Philip Lardner was in the running to be medievil politician of the year until he opened his mouth.

I read tonight that, and I quote, Philip Lardner, the Tory election candidate for North Ayrshire and Arran, said that most Britons consider homosexuality to be “somewhere between unfortunate and simply wrong” and it should not be supported by the state.

Philip Lardner. No longer the candidate for Ayrshire and Arran.

In a section on his website, he supported parents and teachers who do not want children to be taught about homosexuality and churches who do not want to employ gay people.

Philiip Lardner is not really in touch with this century and life in general.

He ought to heed this poster.

I wouldn’t trust him with a bag of lettuce

Ria, my inquisitive but uninitiated political daughter, spent some time tonight quizzing me on the fundamentals of the upcoming election.

It was very interesting.

I then asked her what she thought.

By a mile Nick Clegg was her party leader of choice and it seems that the ‘Three Leaders’ speech has become a breakthrough moment for the Libs.

But the killer comment was this.

“David Cameron?  I wouldn’t trust him with a bag of lettuce”