Wow! Look at the picture my daughter took this morning.

This is incredible!

Stratford, London, October 8th 2019.

 

PrimaveraSound 2018. The dry year.

I now have a close relationship with Heineken 0.0.

Having drunk about 30 bottles of the stuff during Primavera 2018 it was certainly the subject of much puzzlement as my 12 middle aged, wine-soaked compadres tried to understand why on earth I could even countenance a full blown music festival without the aid of alcoholic sustenance.

At 4am each morning (my typical home time) I questioned it myself as cat herding is not a qualification I have gained, nor an occupation I particularly enjoy.  and, for example, Mr McCrocodile’s multiple explanation of the changing of the guard between drummer and guitarist 2/3rds of the way through the Oblivions’ otherwise excellent set – which I did not have the foresight to attend – was another feature of late night sobriety being tested to its limits.

Nevertheless, these minor beefs paled into insignificance when compared to the gigantic gamut of gaiety that was enjoyed in the many, many hours that we strode the palisades of Parc Del Forum in Barcelona’s dock district.

Not for me, this year, the sheer animal magnetism that wearing a Corbyn T shirt would bestow upon me.  Nor the orgiastic pleasure of watching a statuesque 56 year old man stride purposefully through a crowd in pristine white jeans.

No, this year was band (and record label) T shirts and Black Cargo shorts all the way.  The shorts spectacularly framing my unusual patina of varicose veins that decorate my left calf, in much the same way that many of my fellow, younger, audience members had opted for an equally eye-catching decoration courtesy of their local tattoo parlour.

George, too, eschewed societal pressure and was much photographed as he paraded the Parc.

As is customary, each day began with the, now legendary and hotly contested, Sangria Sessions.  A three hour exploration of musical obscurity based around the theme, this year, of colours in song titles and foreign acts (not US or Ireland – to exclude the abhorrent U2).

The vessel for this quality concoction resembled the colouring of the HMFC stand.  A sort of undercoat pink.

Quite incredibly, I now realise, Boards of Canada made my list for the second year running.  The only band to suffer this fate and meet, again, with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, although they did not suffer the ignominy of a ‘hooking’.  That was reserved in my case for Scritti Politti’s The Sweetest Girl.  The fact that Green Gartside , the singer, has colour in his name met with juristic displeasure.

The Red Army Choir’s rendition of The Russian National Anthem met a similiar fate, not for its non-adherence to the rules but because none of the douche bags in my company had either the wit OR the wisdom to realise that this was irony in fantastical proportions.

Perhaps those in ‘charge’ could have displayed the same degree of Nazism to the repeated James Brown outings.

Anyway, here are my selections… (you will note in the colours list that three of my songs are by foreign bands and one has a foreign country in their name) – genius on my part.

Day One

Our festival kicked off – after a relatively short, highly disorganised, but nevertheless excellent lunch at Etapes – we again called it E Taps Aff regularly, as is our want – with a politically charged set from transgender American artist, Ezra Firman.  It wasn’t a festival set in that he chose quite a sensitive selection of numbers and chose not to opt for crowd pleasers all the way.

Consequently one of our group dismissed him thus “Some guy in a pearl necklace and lipstick – fuck off.”

Me, I thought it was a pleasing enough, if marginally underwhelming, start and bestow a 7/10.

Next I stumbled upon a set by Kurws – a crazy avante rock band from Wrocław, Poland.  Noisy but good.  But too short a visitation on my part to rate them.

My first Heineken zero was excellent.  Ice cold and refreshing.  Indeed the bottle was caked in ice.  But my second, and most to follow on the first night, were either lukewarm or unavailable.  It has to be said ordering Cerveza Sin Alcohol is likely to be met with a raised eyebrow followed by a frantic search among the fridges – often fruitlessly.

But Heineken is the drinks sponsor and presumably preach moderation?  So why the poor supply?

My tweet that outed them as a bunch of useless wankers, that couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery, had the desired effect because clearly the CEO of Heineken Spain read it and ordered a mass chilling.  Days two and three were more than acceptably quality controlled.

Next up. Warpaint. If you put to one side that they ache to be the coolest band on the planet and couldn’t muster a smile between the four of them, even if they had a swatch of my Varries, they were pretty decent.  However, they carry the emotional punch of a fire extinguisher and, for that reason, I can’t find a way past awarding them a 6.

Half way through their set they treated us to a feedback crackle/energy surge that was louder than that volcano in Guatemala exploding.  That did crack the ice-maidenly exterior a little but didn’t quite turn their set into an edition of Loose Women.

Warpaint don’t do chat.  They’re too fucking cool for that.

Tupa Tupa were my next ‘discovery’ on my ‘stage of the week’  The Pro North outpost that’s almost in the sea.  It’s tiny but has perhaps the best acoustics in the whole parc.  I’d recommend it for you next year pop pickers.  Lots of eccentric but usually high quality fare.  I visited several times and Tupa Tupa were one of the highlights.  They are so obscure (Polish) that they don’t even make it to Spotify but I thoroughly enjoyed their set.  7/10.

Next up.  The absolutely guaranteed Marmite set of the week.  Bjork.

Bjork, dressed up as a big fanny.

Essentially this was a treatise on environmentalism and involved Bjork striding the stage in shoes that her maw would warn her against, in case she ‘broke a fucking ankle.’

Most certainly, her maw would also have said to her “Bjork doll, you’re no really going out in that pink slimy dress and head mask that looks like an open crotch vagina are you?”

Nevertheless, she did.   In a ‘Fuck you maw, I’ll wear what I like” sort of way.

The show was a full on sexual metaphor, opening with stunning fast frame footage of flowers (mainly orchids – ooh err) bursting fecundly into life with pollen-laden stamen and pistils shimmering and waiting to drop their load.

Accompanied by 7 flautists in equally garish, but slightly less vaginal, pink dresses she treated the audience to something of a concerto for seven flutes with nary a sop to commercialism to be seen.

We did have the flute version of Animal Behaviour dropped in half way through, but that was it.

Cue mass dissatisfaction and “I told you so” comments aplenty.

Me? I fucking loved it.

Contrary bastard that I am.

True artistry from someone not giving a flying fuck but determined to deliver a set that was both uncompromised and dripping in creativity.  One of the highlights of the week.  8.5/10.

She shared the top of the bill with Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds.  Slossy dismissed him with a simple ‘Meh” but he was in an obscurist minority.

He was majestic.  Striding the stage with so much authority.  So much soul,  So much passion. So much anger.  So much skill (his band is indescribably accomplished).

He invited around 100 of the crowd on stage towards the end of his supreme set and one elderly lady burst into tears and threw herself around him.  It was a moment of magic.  He cultivates these.  Some say he stage manages them – but I don’t care.

For me, this is the greatest performer in the world right now, with a back catalogue that could fuel a 5 hour set without dipping into B sides.

Magnificent. Regal.  Straight 10/10.

A guy in the crowd threw a lump of cheese during the Nick Cave set and it hit a girl standing next to me “That’s not very mature” she screamed.

Whoever followed that was doomed to mediocrity and it was Nils Frahn, who was quickly christened Nosferatu by our ‘gang’, who treated us to a slow build up of Jean Michel Jarre-esque keyboard noodling with no fewer than 8 keyboards.  It was like a  demo in a Yamaha showroom.  But no matter his ability to slip-slide his way about the stage the emotionometer failed to engage and he tinkled away to a fairly non-descript 5/10.

I’ll save my ‘Meh’s’ for the earlier set by The Twilight Sad. 5/10.

As we moved into early morning territory we closed the day with a too mellow Four Tet set that failed to engage.  Disappointing. 5/10.

And so, the trek home.  It’s a shite way to end the night.  Especially if you are Doug’s carer. Albeit, he does what he is told.

We had two such evenings trying to hail Catalonian thieves driving black and yellow cabs.  One asked for 20 Euros for the final 2km of our trip back to Caller De Mallorca, the next 45.  A few seconds later we hailed one with his meter on.  7 Euros.

My ‘every day is a school day’ learning:  How do you make Vegan Cheese?

Take ordinary cheese and throw it away.

Day Two

We were awoken to two earth shattering news stories.

The Spanish President, Mariano Rajoy, had been ousted after a vote of no confidence.  But this seemed barely to ripple the surface of the calm Catalonian consciousness.

They officially didnae gie a fuck.

But more significant was the news that…Josh Martin, longtime guitarist for legendary Massachusetts grindcore pranksters Anal Cunt, had died after falling off an escalator.

The band name does carry a degree of respect for its sheer gall and so he was toasted liberally with Sangria.

This wasn’t the only story of death to pervade the week.  Keith ‘I’m a bit of a lassie’ Stoddart was carried sobbing from the Johann Johannsson posthumous tribute by Echo Collective, Dustin O’Halloran and guests playing the late film scorer’s Orphee.

No one else cared a jot, but, as drink was taken, the gig was mentioned on more than a passing basis.

Get over it Keith, man.

On the way into the Parc on the Friday, and as anticipation for the other Marmite gig of the week, The Arctic Moneys (or ‘Monkeys’ as they are now calling themselves) I was reliably informed by George that “Going to an Arctic Monkeys gig is similiar to voting Liberal Democrat, eating sweetbreads and having anal sex.  Things that should only be done once, with the emphasis on only.”

You’ll find out how accurate his prediction was soon enough.

Lunch was a spectacular treat at the superb Mastico.  Outstanding tapas followed by Squid in its ink and meatballs.  Yes, I know, the picture below looks like the aftermath of a vasectomy gone horribly wrong, but trust me; it was superb.

Superb value, especially compared to the lunch the following day, and we will be back there next year.

Musical festivities began with Josh T Pearson.  My pick, and only mine, but I persuaded the troops to join me and he was a winner, not least because he became a close personal friend of Keith’s, albeit in a state of extreme chemical enhancement.

Madonnatron make it to Primavera Sound

Mr McCrocodile in enthusiastic puppy pose.

Pearson’s musicality was enhanced further by his verbal frippery.

“I know what you’re thinking, how can someone this good looking write such sad songs but hey ya’ll – models are people too.”

And…

“Y’all know the difference between a Garbonzo bean and a chick pea?  I’d never let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.”

A 7.5/10 for me Josh.

After Josh’s hilarity we tripped over to Waxahatchee.  The lead singer, Katie Crutchfield, is aptly named because she provides a crutch for her all female bandmates who collectively don’t add up to much of any great interest or virtuosity.  She carried the band too much for my liking and despite some good tunes they were out of their depth on the Primavera Apple Music stage and only mustered a 6/10.

On the way to Father John Misty I picked up another great band at the Night Pro stage.  The astonishing lead singer in ‘Austrian’ band Cari Cari was truly remarkable playing, as she did, in the first 10 minutes of the set; vocals, drums, keys, jaw harp, didgeridoo and, I think, flute. A sweet treat and 8/10.

Didgeridoo or Didgershenot?

Father John Misty, on the main stage, played a fucking blinder.  Aided by a strangely situated orchestra (downstage left hand corner) which allowed him to handsomely stride the rest of it looking swell but, more importantly, sounding it, and choosing to roll out all of the aces for a banger festival set.  A real highlight.  8.5/10.

He was followed by The National.  One word to describe the 30 minutes I endured of this audio equivalent of stagnation.  Boring as fuck!  (That’s three words – Ed. ) 5/10.

Next up, and on my own because the second I mentioned the J word (no, not Jizz George, Jazz) I found no sympathisers.  But Thundercat proved to be truly outstanding with a mesmeric performance from him (on his six string bass), his keyboard player and his drummer.  All of whom had learned their craft from Benny Hill’s theme music composer after a large dose of amphetamines. 9/10.

Talking of amphetamines, after 16 hours on the lash, and back in the privacy of our communal living space, Mr McCrocodile forcefully informed us, through somewhat mangled consonants, that he could have got any of us anything.  ANYTHING.  We wanted.

(Disclaimer:  Mr McCrocodile neither pushed nor consume anything his schoolteacher, Mrs Mason, would have disapproved of, simply that in late night conversation his imagination ran, albeit slowly, amok.)

Loudly and persistently he proclaimed

“If you wanted some snack, I’d have got you it.”

I’m still not sure if he was referring to Scooby Snacks or heroin.

After Thundercat I made my way back to the Primavera stage for an oddly constructed, but in large part brilliant, set by Charlotte Gainsbourg.  It will definitely make me listen to her latest, excellent album (Rest) more often (in fact I’m listening to it now).  The trouble is she played her best cards in the first half of her set and drifted into her hippy stuff later on.  She went out with a whimper, not a bang, but still merited an 8/10 for her outstanding first half and really good set design.

The night was bubbling up nicely for Idles.  Some of us had already enjoyed their insane leftist rants in Glasgow earlier this year, at The Garage.  But nothing prepared me for what was to follow.

Arriving early I was surprised to make my way to the barrier where I joined Doug in one of his more coherent moments.  Not long after, Stoddart joined the fray.  We were on the rail for what was about to become the biggest mosh pit any of us had ever seen in our lives.

For the next 25 minutes I thought I would die of a heart attack, or trampling following concussion, or blindness because someone crowd-surfing-twat kicked me in the head not once, which would have been fine, but twice.  It was on the second occasion that my spectacles exited face left and found me scrabbling among the gooey detritus of two days of mayhem.

But, as luck would have it, my Gregories survived the trauma and, soon after, I took solace in the sidelines.  Sodden and bleeding profusely from my over-exercised nipples.

“Why don’t you use vaseline?” asked Stoddy.

“I would, but it ruins your T shirts and anyway, my nipples will grow back.” I advised.

(What the fuck are you on about? Ed.)

<< Rewind to 48 hours earlier <<

I’d gone out on the first of my three morning runs in Barcelona.  I was feeling fit after my Edinburgh Marathon exertions of the weekend before and I love running in new places so I managed 5 miles each day in sweltering heat.  As evidenced below.

The trouble is, as soon as my nipples make contact with wet cotton it’s as if I’m being attacked by a cheese grater.  Blood normally follows.  It did.

On telling my daughter Ria, in Australia, of my exertions she opined;

“Fucking little bitch, you’re the ‘special’ who goes on runs at Festivals.  You’ll be a vegan next.”

>> Fast forward to Idles again >>

So my nipples are gushing like an elephant on its dabs, my head is pounding from a near stamping to death, my near blindness has only just been avoided and my legs are like jelly.

Then they crank up into Mother.

It’s just brilliant.

A straight 10/10

That was enough for one day.

Nah.

Was it fuck.

Confidence Man.

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better it nearly did.

Confidence man.  Australia’s answer to Dollar.  Only good.

Watch the charts folks because they are gonna be massive.

It was late, admittedly – they came on stage at 3am – but I’ve been listening to, and loving, their album since its release in April so there was no way I was missing them.  Mr Peter was in on it too, and Doug.  But Doug had been on something (10 pints of Heineken , a bottle of red wine and an 11th of a bucket of Sangria) that made both knees bend at impossible angles and almost completely fail to support his upper body weight, so he decided instead to sleep from start to finish of this magnificent gig.

I was in no way prepared for just how good Janet Planet, Sugar Bones, Clarence McGuffe and Reggie Goodchild would be (the latter two dressed in black veiled hats like  some terrorist cell from The Marigiold Hotel).

This is proper pop sensation stuff and the Ray Ban crowd went fucking bananas until 4 am when we all crawled back to central Barcelona.

Outstanding.  Another straight 10/10.

On the tram back into town I was chatting to a couple of girls who looked at me open-mouthed.

“Have you been on substances mate?”  They asked.

Merely the drug that is music my dears; merely music.

Day Three

Otherwise known as anticlimax day.

The lunch at the beach front fish restaurant we chose, Els Peixaters for the record, was extraordinary, in that it cost extra and was ordinary.

Far from put off by price or banality, David indulged in the lobster.  His Amex Card sweating in the sun.

We quickly shrugged this off as the luck of the draw and headed instead towards Parc Del Forum for the final instalments.

First up, former Only Ones’ lead singer Peter Perrett and his two sons and two foxy birds, one of whom, had she have mustered a smile, might have melted our hearts.

By rights Peter Perrett should be toast by now given his well publicised ‘habits’ but he’s still with us and although we had to wait until the last number for Another Girl, Another Planet he treated us to a great set, with a voice that is once again intact and is as distinctive as his stage attire of red leather jacket and red cotton chinos.  A solid 7.5/10.

Next up, 70 year old Jane Birkin. (She of “did she or didn’t she while recording Je T’aime with Serge Gainsbourg?” fame, and mother of the previous day’s smash, Charlotte Gainsbourg).

In 2016 the FrancoFolies Festival of Quebec commissioned Birkin to create a ‘Gainsbourg Symphonic’ concert with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra and it was this piece that she brought to Primavera.  With a full symphony orchestra her performance was electrifying and actually quite moving, although after about half an hour it was boring as fuck and we left. 7/10.

We then squeezed our way into a pretty rammed crowd for Slowdive who were just great.  However the lead singer needs a word with herself.  Her wardrobe mismatching made me look like Oscar de la fucking Renta.

And it’s proof positive that cool tattoos at 18 look uncool at 40 something.  Trust me, and more importantly heed me, on that one my younger friends. 7.5/10.

I saw Lorde for about four songs.  Three too many.  She jumped around enthusiastically a lot in a sort of negligee.

It didn’t make her songs any more interesting.  4/10

And the shouty Chilean Rap, jazz, heavy metal combination of Como Asesinar A Felipes lost its ardour after 3 numbers I confess. 4/10

By now I’d been hanging about a bit waiting for Arctic Monkeys (5/10).  Or, as it now seems they call themselves, Monkeys.

(But won’t that just confuse them with THE Monkees? Ed.)

Monkey drumming.

It turned out to be an unwise use of my time as they were disappointing.  Mainly because I could barely hear them.  Maybe my ears had been broken by that Idles kick in the head.  Maybe some sadistic cunt on the sound desk was hypersensitive to sound.  Anyway the crowd chat was louder than Alex Turner’s so I got out of there and reserved, instead, a good spot for OneOhTrix Point Never (7/10) on the far distant Bacardi Live stage.

Now, OneOhtrix Point Never is not just a challenging name but his music is pretty challenging too.  Nevertheless it was an enjoyable half hour and, I felt, a better choice than enduring the remains of the Monkees’ semi-audible climax.

Plus, it gave me a barrier place for John Hopkins; one of my picks of the week.

It was not to disappoint.  A stunning hour of rampant techno in which the entire crowd (well all the people around me) ‘pogoed’ throughout.

The nipples bled again.

The fourth straight 10/10 of the week.

Brilliant.  And we were treated to the classiest majorettes routine I’ve ever seen.

And so it ended with Public Service Broadcasting.  Mr McCrocodile on form, setting up Stoddy with a dance (he didn’t want any schnacksch). But we were too far away and too tired/disengaged. 4/10

Day four

Pished with rain.

Went home.

Plane late.

Fuck off Vueling.

 

 

Things I won’t be doing this weekend.

This weekend I won’t be cheering on my daughter at a Cross Fit open competition in Stratford.

This weekend I won’t be walking the canal at Hackney Wick.

This weekend I won’t be having dinner at The First Dates restaurant.

This weekend I won’t be sampling real ales and pizza in The Crate Brewery.

This weekend I won’t be rummaging through the Gods Own Junkyard in Walthamstow.

This weekend I won’t be enjoying a free historical photographic exhibition at the National Portrait Gallery.

This weekend I won’t be eating Peruvian at Cevicheuk.

This weekend I won’t be wandering hand in hand round the V&A with my wife.

This weekend I won’t be going to a jazz club (possibly Ronnie Scott’s).

This Weekend I won’t be giggling and acting like a doting father with my daughter.

This weekend I won’t be Eating crushed advocate on toast in a bijou flat in Stratford East.

This weekend I won’t be trying lunch at Goat.

This weekend I won’t be taking part in a musical singalong at The Pheonix Art Club in Soho.

This weekend I won’t be visiting the Columbia Road Flower Market.

This weekend I won’t be on a free street Art walking tour in Brick Lane

This weekend I won’t be sampling vegan food at Mildreds

This weekend I won’t be Touring the Houses of Parliament thanks to my local MP.

This weekend I won’t be eating lunch overlooking the Thames in the HoP members restaurant.

This weekend I won’t be viewing London from the Sky Garden in The Shard

This weekend I might be making ANOTHER FUCKING SNOWMAN.

#BeastFromTheEast

 

And then Porty ladies have to have a say. The Sphinx.

By Liz Williamson…

This is the difference between cosmopolitan Portobello snowmen and rock hard Ferry men.

Simon (by Mike Davidson) Small, smily and ineffectual.

Sauzee (by Mark Gorman).  Stern and rock hard.

 

Talking to My Daughter About the Economy (A Brief History of Capitalism) by Yanis Varoufakis: Book Review

Yanis Varoufakis is the economist that shot to fame as the poster boy of Greek economic fuckwittery.  His job was to unfuck the institutionalised fuckwittery, caused by a seemingly ingrained national sport of ‘not paying tax’, that left the Greek economy as the basket-case of the Euro, in the wake of the economic crisis in 2008/2009.

Varoufakis became Greek Finance Minister in January 2015 and lasted till July of that year.  Not exactly jaw-dropping credentials for being the Oracle on succesful economic strategy.

But he was an academic, so he knew the answers, right?

Frankly, he seems to have been spending his time writing books about his experience rather than actually unfucking up Greece.  And maybe that’s why he only lasted 7 months doing the job.

This is one of the books.

Its construct is as a letter to his, now, 14 year old daughter, Xenia, who lives with her mother in Australia.  One assumes Yanis and Mrs Varoufakis had some sort of marital difference of opinion.

And I’m speculating that Yanis’ wife said to Xenia.  “Darling, let’s get out of this country that your dad is supposed to be unfucking up.  As far as I can see he’s too busy writing books about how the economy got fucked up in the first place to actually unfuck it.  But I’ve heard the Australians understand the economy and we can swap a diet of olives and Retsina for steak and Shiraz.”

Several months later Xenia woke her mum to say.

“Mum, fuck sake, Dad’s written me this fucking 200 page letter about the fucking economy that’s all fucking fucked, instead of fucking unfucking it.”

I mean, if you were 13 years old (then), and on another continent, and missing your Dad would you be high-fiving the entire population of Sydney High School shouting.  “Whoa guys, my Dad just wrote me a 200 page book about Capitalism, what did your Dad do?  Take you to the Melbourne Cup?  Go surfing all weekend?  Barbie like it’s 1999?  Fucking losers!”

So, the reader is treated like a 13 year old girl (who probably doesn’t give a flying fuck about anything other than getting to second base with Bruce) as Yanis explains the principles of Capitalism, and consequently how the economy works.  Why he believes he is qualified to do this, when his only practical experience is of not succeeding in reducing the world’s oldest and most enduring culture to a pile of rotting fishbones, I know not.

Perhaps it’s his academic credentials.

Anyway, he succeeds in explaining what inequality, money, labour, tax, trade debt, profit, and banking are before reaching out to his local pharmacist to ingest a cocktail of hallucinogenic drugs (roughly half way through).

Thereafter, he explores the Oedipal Complex, the Flight of Icarus, The Matrix, ( revisited no fewer than seven times – I mean, nobody on Planet Earth understand The Matrix, so why use it seven times to ‘simplify’ a concept as obtuse as capitalism and the economy),  V for Vendetta, The Brothers Grimm’s fairy tales, The Terminator, The Sorceror’s Apprentice, Faust and Doctor Faustus (seven times),  Frankenstein (six times), Harry Potter, Blade Runner, and Star Trek (five times) in an attempt to make the cerebral concept of Capitalism (and the economy) a bit more down with the kids.

The second half of the book would have made excellent arse-wiping material for Salvador Dali.

But the ‘best’ bit of all is his conclusion. (To his then 13 year old daughter, remember.)

In it he postures…

“OK, you will say, you reject the markets-everywhere solution and propose instead the democracy-everywhere alternative (really? is that what she’s grafiti-ing on the walls of Sydney High?). But how on Earth will your democracy save the planet, put the robots to work for us and make money function sensibly and smoothly?  What a great question! (If I say so myself.) While it would take a whole other book to answer it properly, let me offer a hint that may help you write that sequel yourself one day.”

“Aye. That. Will. Be. Right. Dad.  (Says Xenia.) Like I’m gonna write a fucking sequal to Talking to My Daughter About the Economy (A brief History of Capitalism) ‘cos you don’t know the fucking answers yourself (and made silly Brits fork out £12 to not give them any fucking answers – well, at least I got to read the crazy pish for free).”

In his epilogue, like we needed more reading after the previous 80 pages of intellectual wank, he writes this.

“How can Dad have confused me with someone who gives a damn?”.  That is a very, very, very good question and probably the best in the book.

But he ploughs on regardless, sharing with us this earth-shattering hypothesis to conclude.

HALPEVAM.

HALPEVAM is a ‘magnificent’ computer created by a mad scientist (any guess who that might be readers?)

HALPEVAM: Heuristic ALgorithmic, Pleasure & Experiential VAlue Maximiser. (Oh, come on, the acronym isn’t even a fucking acronym, it’s a fucking fag packet doodle.  Let me help you Yanis.  How about: Heuristic Algorithmic Leisue,nValue-Add,  Experiential Pleasure Maximiser?  There: that nearly spells fucking HALVEPAM!

Or how about Bloody Unbelievable Leisure-Life Sensitivity Heuristic Improving Transactional Organ Made Easy To Effect Relaxation?

He explains: “HALPEVAM is the opposite of the horrible, misanthropic machines in The Matrix – it’s the ultimate pleasure machine”.

(You still with us, 13 year old Xenia?  Or are you in a Psychologist’s practice in Sydney asking for information on psychosis ‘for a friend’?)

Poor Xenia.

But, Xenia’s not our problem, Yanis is raking it in and Mrs Varoufakis is presumably on a pretty big financial settlement (if only Greece reported its taxes).

Try it, it’s fun.

 

Three. Is the magic number. Calling all you Intelligent Finance [sic] customers out there.

Is Intelligent Finance the dumbest bank in the world?

0845 xxx xxxx. Intelligent Finance’s Home Page and Security Page contact number.

This morning I thought “It’s champagne time – Intelligent Finance [sic] have, after 3 years of constantly asking them, updated their customer phone number”.

But no, only on 2 of their 3 customer facing pages.

The one when you are actually looking at your account is STILL WRONG.

They’re still Dullard Finance.

Incompetence beyond comprehension frankly.

0345 xxx xxxx.  Intelligent Finance’s Accounts Page, where you can see your balance etc and might decide you need to call them to query something – by now you are through security and, of course, failed to write down the correct phone number while you were there on the assumption that the number would be correct throughout the site.  But, you know when happens when you assume.  Yes,  U make and ASS out of ME

 So, as I entitled this elegant thought-piece, Three. Is the magic number.  As I will leave De la Soul to prove.

As Eurovision looms on the horizon I have made two picks.

This Romanian Yodelling song is utter class.  I’m having some of that at 25/1.

And the teen heartthrob from Bulgaria is the ‘head’ vote. 4/1.

Lost false teeth are no laughing matter…

My blog, Is this Yours?, has turned up another mystery.

Half a set of gnashers, unencumbered by their owners.

It reminds me of a story about my pal, Ian Sutherland, who once lost his teeth when he sneezed out the window of his delivery van half way down the A1 on the way to Berwick on Tweed.  His choppers lie, waiting to be discovered, on a verge to this day I suppose.

Maybe these are his?

I think it unlikely though, unless deliberate relocation has been actioned by a stranger.

So, who lost theirs on Dalmeny Beach?

Indeed was it on the beach itself that the loss initiated?

Were they vomited down a loo in Fraserburgh and made their way down the East coast of Scotland on tidal streams?

Were they the result of a violent orgasm in the darkness on that very beach, immediately interrupted by an approaching stranger as two middle aged adults sought gratification and had to scarper before they could retrieve their conjugal misappropriation?

Perhaps they simply slipped out of a mouth, unnoticed, during a gentle stroll.

They may have been overboarded by a passing trawler in high seas.

Are they male?

Are they female?

I’ve tried them on, but my own clackers made estimating size a tricky exercise and, besides, they tasted a little brackish.

Do we have any forensic dentists willing to carbon date them for me?

Can the media help me here?

 

 

 

Deary me, it’s snowing on WordPress again.

Come on guys.  That’s, like, so…2008.

The holidays are comin’, the holidays are comin’.

Pego’s millions

Oh dear sweet Jesus we've still got 22,000 hits to endure...

You might notice that as the millionth hit approaches (as it surely will) I’ve moved my blog stats up to a more convenient position for the viewing public.

In fact, if you look left right now, you’ll be able to see exactly what the state of the nation is as you read.

In real time.

Things have slowed a touch though I must admit.

Maybe I’ve not been trying hard enough, but I have to say the £850 you’ve invested so far makes me very happy (and I’m sure the people at the hospice are cheezin’ too).  Well, some of them.

I have to say, we cheezed a lot when we were there as a family. Because death sometimes brings out the funniest things.

So, I’d like to recount a blog post from right at the start of Gibberish.  It was a conversation I overheard between my Dad’s brother (Uncle Christopher) and my Mum.

And it went something like this…

“If I had some eggs, we could have ham and eggs; if I had some ham.” my Uncle Christopher declared this afternoon.

Wise words.

But my mother violently disagreed with this because she retorted…

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham; if we had some ham.”

Not sure about that.

In fact it’s total bollocks – because what she really meant to say, and did, was…

“If we had ham, we could have ham and eggs; if we had eggs.”

You know what…

…I don’t give a monkey’s uncle!

This was my favourite memory of the seven or so very intense days we spent at St Columba’s.

I’m sure everyone is the same, in that in the face of death they find some moments of humour.

Well, I hope so.

If you’ve lost someone to cancer or had a truly life affirming (even in the face of death) experience at this or any other hospice maybe you’ll pledge a tenner.

Who knows, you might even win a £100. 

Here’s where you enter.

Approaching a million views…

Just noticed that my blog hit 900,000 views the other day.  At the current hit rate it should hit the million some time in October!

don’t you just love those wacky people at WordPress

drum roll

My blog was read by its 200,000th viewer this morning. Thank you one and all for indulging me.

The stats are actually a little more interesting than that.

2006 – 1,112 views (but I only started in the October. (I was doing a whopping 17 a day daily average)

2007 – 31,812 views (87 a day on average)

2008 to date – 167,289 views (637 a day)

Getting there.

See how anoracky you can get? These are my actual stats.

I actually don’t know if, contextually, this a lot or not. I see blogs that have millions of views. But it’s interesting that when I signed up I was about the 600,000th WordPress blogger. Less than two years later there are 4,151,192 at the time of writing.

For those of you out there that blog I think we have to offer a word of thanks to WordPress. Their service is astonishing, the improvements are endless, they are informative, thoughtful, thought provoking and fun.

I love WordPress I have to say. (And I’m clearly not alone.)