Filed under: Arts, creativity, movies | Tags: A separation, Drive, Extremely Loud and Incredibly close, Gary oldman, George Clooney, hugo, Midnight in Paris, Money ball, oscar nominations, Oscars 2012, Project nim, Senna, the artist, The Descendants, The Help, The tree of life, War Horse
Oh dear. It’s not a great year, is it?
Nine nominations for best film and none of them were;
- Drive – The Best US movie I’ve seen this year
- Senna – The Best documentary I’ve seen this year, and not even a nomination for best documentary (or for Project Nim)
- A Separation. The best film I’ve seen this year, although it does get, and must surely win, best foreign movie and remarkably it has broken out with a best Screenplay nomination. Why not best movie then?
Instead we are left with;
- The Artist – nice but ridiculously overrated
- Hugo – often derided by the critics but leads the way with 12 nominations overall
- The Tree of Life – Great in parts, abysmal in others
- War Horse – after initial good noises largely slagged off in the press and written of as sentimental tosh.
- The Descendants. Will see it next week when it opens. Sounds like a good movie that’s nothing more than that.
- The Help. Oh please.
- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Not much to go on this one but it’s a surprise choice and a 25/1 outsider.
- Midnight in Paris. A return to form by Woody but has largely sentimental and fairly forgettable by all accounts.
- Money ball. A baseball movie. Enough said?
If I was pushed to vote I’d say The Tree of Life (because I haven’t seen The Descendants yet).
It won’t win.
At least the lousy Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy didn’t make it (12 BAFTA’s, I ask you) and Gary Oldman might as well save the air fare because he ain’t got a chance against Clooney for best actor.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, science, stories, theatre | Tags: abuse, afterlife, Candice Edmonds, derren Brown, ghosts, Jamie Harrison, magic, magic and science, market research, Peter Arnott, religion, Ryan Fletcher, Scott Fletcher, Scottish Theatre, seance, spiritualism, spirituality, The Fletcher Brothers, the illusionist, The Infamous Brothers Davenport, The royal lyceum theatre company, tricks, Victorian, Vox Motus, wedding
The Davenport Brothers was a famous theatrical illusions act at the turn of the 20th century, The Age of Reason, in which Victorian and Edwardian audiences were fascinated by the meeting of magic and science,.
Academics were obsessed by the Brothers’ apparent ability to bring real spirits into public spaces and marveled at their act.
Spiritualism flourished at this time because science was moving forward rapidly but so much remained unexplained that much seemed inexplicable and hence, magic.
Into this world then came doubters, challengers and researchers, keen to test whether or not what the Davenports achieved on stage was indeed magic or pure trickery.
It’s in this context that writers and director, Candice Edmunds, Jamie Harrison and Peter Arnott set up an imaginary test for the brothers and their showy front man (Mr Fay played brilliantly by Gavin Mitchell). The audience, members of a society, are invited to attend the “test” by aristocrat Lady Noyes-Wooodhull (Anita Vetesse) and thrown into the mysteries of the Davenports and their magical Spirit Box which dominates the stage and becomes one of the most versatile props you’ll see in many a year in the theatre.
In demonstrating their abilities their back story emerges (completely fictitious) of extreme family abuse, a horrific father (also played superbly by Gareth Mitchell), a drug addled mother (Vetesse) and a cherished sister (Kirsty Stuart in a stripped back role) who passes away and enters the spirit world.
It all adds up to a smorgasbord of trickery (no it’s not, it’s magic .Ed) brilliant lighting effects, episodic story telling in often chilling vignettes and laugh out loud humour.
The Davenport Brothers are played by real life brothers Ryan and Scott Fletcher and are often at their best when saying nothing. Their entrance like the sisters in Kubrick’s The Shining is both disconcerting and humorous at the same time, their performances good throughout.
52 people have signed secrecy clauses to bring this show to the stage because throughout it is peppered with magical happenings, some quite epic, some fairly obvious trickery and it holds the audience rapt from start to finish.
It’s a genuinely original theatrical experience that will, I believe, develop strongly as the run goes on – one technical glitch in Act Two caused a few skipped heart beats but was expertly overcome – and the cast seemed not quite settled into their roles on an opening night that relied as much on technical perfection as acting. With that out of the way we can expect more relaxed performances and a rabble rousing show that will surely have the audience on their feet (like they very nearly were last night).
I’d love to tell you more, but as the writers request in the programme notes, and I massively paraphrase “let’s not give it all away – leave the mystery and the story untainted by review and let theatre goers find out for themselves the rich delights of the world of the Infamous Brother Davenport.”
And so I do.
Over to you.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, music | Tags: 21, adele, Adele tops album charts in USA for 216 weeks, billboard, http www youtube, independent label, Simon Cowell, UK album chart, us album charts, xl records
A year to the day since its release (24 Jan 2011) Adele’s 21 returned the number one spot on the US album charts. It’s pretty much never been out of the top ten in the intervening 104 weeks and 16 of them have been in that coveted top spot.She’s had 19 weeks at the top in the UK.
It’s a remarkable achievement for a singer who has, in that period, become nothing short of a national treasure.
OK, I know a lot of us are sick to death of her, but not me. I think it’s fully deserving of the 3.84 million units it has shifted in the UK (17m worldwide) especially as it has been without the help of Simon Cowell and on an independent label; XL records.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, family, life, movies | Tags: Bobby Sands, carey mulligan, extreme aggression, journey to hell, maze prison, Michael Fassbender, new york, self harm, self indulgence, sex addict, shame, Steve McQueen, suicide
There’s a scene early in Shame where Michael Fassbender languorously wanders, completely naked, through his flat and stands at the toilet before slowly micturating as we watch voyeauristically. It sums the film up. Pish.
Hunger, McQueen’s debut, was my movie of 2008. McQueen and Fassbender pulled off a coup with a brilliantly thought provoking and totally engaging story about Bobby Sands and the dirty protests in the Maze prison in Belfast. It was a horrifying journey to hell and back with a miraculous central peformance by Fassbender.
This movie attempts to do something similiar, performance wise at least, by stripping Fassbender back literally to his skin.
It’s a story about unsaid things. Clearly Fassbender and his sister (Sissy, played by Carey Mulligan) have a past that has severely damaged them emotionally and their onscreen relationship hints, at times, of near incestual closeness but this is kept at bay by extreme aggression to each other.
Sissy is a self harmer, Fassbender a sex addict. Neither evoke any sympathy whatsoever, because McQueen has set out to make a movie that moves glacially and observes the action with a remoteness and aloofness that is chilling and utterly unengaging.
The truth is, this is a self absorbed piece of film making that leaves one cold, in fact, pretty bored actually.
It’s unsympathetic stance towards the central characters actually ends up with you not caring by the end.
A cold, uninvolving self indulgence of a movie that I’d recommend avoiding.
Filed under: creativity, music | Tags: aisha, bass riff, collaborations, Death in Vegas, iggy pop, isobel campbell, mark lanegan band. The gravedigger's song
What a voice.
I’ve loved his collaborations with Isobel Campbell. But this is the business.
Best Bass riff I’ve heard since Aisha by by Death In Vegas featuring Iggy Pop.
A classic.
I wish I was called Aisha. I’d play this every time I walked into a room.
Filed under: football, humour, life, Rants, Scotland, sports, stories | Tags: Buffallo Bill, buffalo bill, cowdenbeath, Hibees, Hibernian FC, Hibernian FC Scottish Cup, Hibernian not won scottish cup since 1902, Hibs, Hibs 1902, Scottish Cup, Scottish Cup Winners, Scottish FA Cup, the cabbage
Maybe this is the year. We crushed Cowdenbeath 3 – 2 in the third round after all.
And yes, sigh, we know Buffalo Bill was still on stage in those days.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Arfgentina falklands, argentinian colonialism, argies, buenos aeres, colonialism, david cameron, falkland islands, falklands, Falklands fishing embargo, Malvinas, prick, temerity, The Falklands
London is 7,903 miles North East of the Falkland Islands.
Buenos Aeres is 946 miles South West of The Falklands.
Approximately one eighth of the distance.
But today David Fucking Cameron had the temerity to accuse Argentina of attempting Colonialism towards The Falklands (Malvinas).
Colonialism, for the record, is definesd as…The policy or practice of acquiring full or partial political control over another country, occupying it with settlers, and exploiting it economically.
What the Fuck is he talking about?
We colonised the Falklands many years ago and the Argies have always claimed it is in their territory. Well a factor of 8 says they are more entitled to colonise the place than we are.
I’d say.
What a fucking prick.
Filed under: family, humour, life | Tags: anal examination, bum police, health cancer the big C, prostate cancer, turning 50
So, I was checking out Linked In this morning and thought I’d have a quick see who had looked at my profile recently.
This was the one that jumped out.
Now, I know I’ll be 50 in four months time but could I not at least get over the line before the bum police start checking me out?
Filed under: creativity, theatre, writing | Tags: john dove, John Stienbecxk, lyceum theatre edinburgh, of mice and men, Scottish Theatre, theatre
I’m off to the Lyceum for the first read through of the script for “of Mice and men:”. John Steinbeck’s classic.
Very excited.
It comes to the theatre in mid- February and here is the synopsis as posted by The Lyceum…
Armed with nothing but hope, and the dream of one day living and working on their own land, George and his childishly innocent companion Lennie start work on a ranch.
New friendships are made and at first life looks good, until gentle Lennie, unaware of his own immense strength, unwittingly shatters their dreams in one disturbingly tragic act.
This is theatre at its most powerful.
Cast:
George…………………William Ash
Lennie………………….Steve Jackson
Candy………………….Peter Kelly
The Boss/Whit………Greg Powrie
Curley………………….Garry Collins
Curley’s Wife………..Melody Grove
Slim……………………..Liam Brennan
Carlson………………..Mark McDonnell
Crooks…………………John Macaulay
.
Filed under: creativity, humour, life, Scotland, writing | Tags: english, english pronounciation, english pronunciation, english vocabulary, idiosynchrasy, language, native english speakers, tongue tied, tonguetwister, vocabulary
Thanks to my old mucker, Bruce Haines who was President of the IPA back in the day when I sat on the President’s committee. He now resides in Seoul so I’m sure he could have a lot of fun teaching this to the locals.
It’s an astounding vocal trickery game really that has to be read out loud.
A wonderful celebration of the English language. Enjoy.
If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.
After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, politics, Rants, Youtube | Tags: daily reckless, kelvinmackenzie, Tommy Mackay
See more of Tommy’s unique brand of humour here
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, life, Scotland, videos, Youtube | Tags: friday night in Glasgow, harmonies, Katy Perry, weegie pub crawl
Frankly, it could be anywhere in the UK but great harmonies…
Filed under: Arts, creativity, life | Tags: contemporary scottish art, feral, feral art, kirsty whiten, printmakers studio edinburgh
Kirsty Whiten is one of Scotland’s most respected young contemporary artists.
I commissioned a painting of Tom by her in her artschool days (when she babysat for us) and 1576 bought one of her paintings for our reception.
Her work has become increasingly challenging and this latest exhibition pulls no punches.
It looks amazing though so get along this Saturday 14th January…
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kirsty-Whiten/187569244594660
Exhibition runs until 10th March. Gallery hours are Tuesday – Saturday 10am – 6pm
http://www.edinburgh-printmakers.co.uk/
ladle threat
making
Readying
threat
Filed under: books, business, creativity, humour, jokes, life, Rants, stories, swearing, work, writing | Tags: apostrophes, death of the apostrophe, lynne truss, proper syntax, waterstones
Some fucking dick in the Waterstone’s marketing department thinks the apostrophe is an inconvenience in the digital age.
Yeah sure it is in a url, but we all know that urls don’t need punctuation and everyone, even Lynne Truss, will live with that.
However, to use that as an excuse to rebrand Waterstone’s as Waterstones is absurd.
It’s a fucking bookshop.
It should be the last bastion of proper syntax for fuck sake.
It is utterly unforgiveable.
It’s like the Driving Standards Agency hiring blind people to take driving tests.
Before you know it we’ll have section’s for biographys, comic’s, childrens book’s, and busine’ss section’s.
Bastards.
Or is that bastards’ or bastards or bastard’s or bas’tards or bas’tard’s or bas’tard’s’
I give up. In apoplexy.
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, for sale, humour, jokes, life, photography, swearing | Tags: fail, Japanes department store sale fail
It’s Point of sale from a Japanese Department store.
Filed under: Arts, creativity, humour, movies, photography | Tags: 1.37:1 ratio, Berenice Bejo, feelgood movies, George Valentin, Jean Dujardin, John Goodman, michael Hazanavicius, Peppy Miller, Silnt movies, the artist
It’s been a long wait for this much heralded movie, the notices from Cannes were enthusiastic to say the least and early user reviews on IMDB have anointed it with must see status.
So, I went along today with an open mind and a hope that it justified its early 8.5 rating on our esteemed website. I have to say that it doesn’t but there is much to love in this delightful movie novelty.
First off, this is a novelty. Once you’ve enjoyed its fare you are left wondering “what exactly was the point of making that” because it has no real “agenda”. I saw no political, religious or cultural allegory. What I saw was a lovingly crafted, beautifully photographic, gorgeously scored, excellently acted, arthouse homage.
It’s kind of a big idea but without an idea, instead it’s a film built around executional excellence and in that respect is often near to perfection with some lovely retro cinematography and illusions.
There’s a particularly nice touch when Peppy Miller’s movie opens in a cinema called the Reine (an in joke and nod to the production company that made it, La Petite Reine I suspect).
I didn’t know the story before I saw it and I won’t spoil it for you here because the story is fairly slight and not that big a deal, it’s merely the skeleton for a series of set pieces and fun.
It’s held together principally by the delightful Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo), an up and coming “talkies ” star who worships the ground that fallen idol George Valentin (surely a nod to Valentino) played brilliantly by Jean Dujardin walks on. However many scenes are stolen by the delightful Jack Russell terrier who is Valentin’s only constant soulmate throughout the movie.
There are also two good cameos from American actors John Goodman, as the studio magnate, and James Cromwell, who you’ve seen literally hundreds of times without perhaps realising who he is, as Valentin’s loyal manservant.
It’s shot in a, 1.37: 1 ratio that these days, is virtually unseen, but was the format of choice in the 20′s. This, for me added further authenticity, as do the beautiful credits, captions and monochrome photography.
Sound is used cleverly throughout and the final scene had me grinning from ear to ear.
I really liked this oddball movie. No it’s not one of the greatest ever made and I doubt will do much at The Oscars outside of the technical categories but it’s a great hour and a half and an unusual and worthwhile feelgood movie experience.
Filed under: conservative, creativity, food, gardening, humour, liberal, life, Rants, stories, swearing, the guardian, writing | Tags: apoplexy, charlie brooker, Cupcakes, facebook, Keep Calm and Carry on, Keep calm and fuck off, Keep calm and have a cup cake, Sonos, the guardian
What we do without Charlie Brooker?
The man that calls a spade a fucking tool for home counties toffs to dig their asparagus beds in their Hunter wellies whilst listening to Sibelius on their Sonos (in the garden).
Without him we wouldn’t have this outstanding diatribe in today’s Guardian. It’s a follow on from him ranting almost apoplectically about the exponential rise in “Keep Calm and Carry on” memorabilia but mostly its bastard children.
God I love him.
Sorry Amy.
He sayeth thus…
Of all the irritating “Keep Calm” bastardisations, the most irritating of all is the one that reads “Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake”. Cupcakes used to be known as fairy cakes, until something happened a few years ago. I don’t know what the thing was, because I wasn’t paying attention. All I know is that suddenly middle-class tosspoles everywhere were holding artisan cupcakes aloft and looking at them and pointing and making cooing sounds and going on and bloody on about how much they loved them. I wouldn’t mind, but cupcakes are bullshit. And everyone knows it. A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping. And once you’ve got through the clown puke there’s nothing but a fistful of quotidian sponge nestling in a depressing, soggy “cup” that feels like a pair of paper knickers a fat man has been sitting in throughout a long, hot coach journey between two disappointing market towns. Actual slices of cake are infinitely superior, as are moist chocolate brownies, warm chocolate-chip cookies and virtually any other dessert you can think of. Cupcakes are for people who can’t handle reality.
Read it all here
Filed under: advertising, Arts, creativity, humour, jokes, life | Tags: cog, honda ad, Joseph Herscher, neat twist, the daily reckless, Tommy Mackay
I love this ad. I really do.
But this is a neat twist. (thanks to Tommy Mackay for spotting it.)
Filed under: creativity, music | Tags: All you pretty things ashes to ashes, bowie, david bowie 65, retirement, rock star, the thin white duke, warsawa
Sir. You are amongst my all time heroes. How can one choose a single song to sum up your brilliance?
One cannot.
Filed under: creativity, humour, jokes, life | Tags: losing weight, losing weight by shagging, losing weight through sex, sex, sex and calories, shagging, willie size
My Brother in law sent me this useful weight loss tips and hints sheet today… (I repeat. It is not for the prudish but very, very funny)
The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories
Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size 22 calories
Oversize 15 calories
Tremendous 8 calories
Teensy-weensy 163 calories
Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season) 124 calories
Locations
On a bar stool 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories
Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing 7 calories
Sliding around 9 calories
Serious Skidding 12 calories
Full cartwheel 20 calories
Whiplash 27 calories
Knee burn 6 calories
Chafed elbows 5 calories
Chafed nose 11 calories
Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories
Wheezing 5 calories
Squeals 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning 11 calories
Low growling 8 calories
Squishing 10 calories
Shouting 16 calories
Screaming 18 calories
Urgent begging 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.) 25 calories
Approaching Orgasm
Letting go 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back 11 calories
Trembling 15 calories
Shaking 20 calories
Shuddering 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories
Orgasm
Real 27 calories
Faked 160 calories
Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn’t change 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple 15 calories
Orchestra swelled 6 calories
Magical explosions 10 calories
Blazing Sheets 25 calories
Earth moved 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin 60 calories
Pulling Out
After orgasm 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm 500 calories
Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 14 calories
5 30 calories
8 47 calories
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2 21 calories
3 39 calories
4 57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)
Special Orgasms
Clitoral. 15 calories
Vaginal 21 calories
Penile 21 calories
Scrotile 15 calories
Rectal 25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories
Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion 2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) 5 calories
During foreplay 3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) 4 calories
Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
For Women
Frustration 8 calories
Anger 15 calories
Violent mood swing 20 calories
Surpressing rage 25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.) 65 calories
For Men:
Cursing 10 calories
Apologising 3 calories
Snivelling 5 calories
Pleading for mercy 8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories
Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning 6 calories
Palpitations 10 calories
Shortness of breath 5 calories
Perspiring 8 calories
Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny disposition 1 calorie
Recovering
Un-entwining 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories
Standing up 9 calories
Getting some juice 11 calories
Rolling Over and Going to SleepAfter intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.) 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) 32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories
Trying Again
If the woman is ready 5 calories
If the man is not 156 calories
Dreaming
Regular dream 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories
Group Sex
Introducing yourself 3 calories
Overcoming shyness 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories
Mixed doubles 26 calories
Being nice to everyone 100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10 calories
Finding your clothes 5 calories
Masturbation
For pleasure only 6 calories
For exercise, too 10 calories
For relief from tension 12 calories
To pass the time 7 calories
To avoid overeating 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories
To avoid insanity 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) 9 calories
Using your hand(s) 11 calories
Using your finger(s) 9 calories
Using tweezers 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – finding isolated seat 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater – adjusting raincoat 3 calories
Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn’t do 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories
Climaxing too soon 5 calories
Climaxing too late 6 calories
Not climaxing 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories
Partner doesn’t think of me as a sex object 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm 88 calories
Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories
Penis envy 72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories
Getting Caught
By partner’s spouse 60 calories
By your spouse 60.5 calories
Trying to explain 165 calories
Stuttering 28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) 40 calories
Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories
Leaping out of bed 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly 2 calories
Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn’t open 15 calories
Landing 1 calorie
Running very fast 50 calories
Filed under: advertising, business, creativity, humour, jokes, photography | Tags: dog nob, dog with human cock, ikea, ikea catalogue, ikea dog ad, ikea dog cock ad, ikea penis ad, rude ikea da
I am grateful to Pat Rodger for bringing this image from the European and Australian 2006 Ikea catalogue to my attention. I’d completely missed it.
Any ideas as to what they might actually be selling?
Filed under: Arts, creativity, family | Tags: barry Adamson, BFI, British documentary, Carol Morley, death, documentary, Dreams of a life, dying alone, Film 4, irish film board, Joyce Vincent, touching the void
Carol Morley has come up with a really interesting idea.
She’s written and directed a documentary about the mysterious death of a beautiful West Indian 39 year old girl (Joyce Vincent) who was a major hit with the lads “People said she was as good looking as Whitney Houston; I thought she was more attractive than that.” and had hundreds of friends and admirers and a huge family to boot; four sisters.
The film is not so much about how she died but the fact that it took three years for her body to be discovered. In her flat. Watching her TV which was still on.
No Electricity company shut her utilities off; the council never chased the rent; no one complained about the smell; none of her friends visited; none of doting ex’s; none of her family. Nobody.
Carol Morley builds a documentary mixing dramatised re-enactments of her life and “Touching the Void” type real life storytelling to get closer to the truth than the police ever did.
It’s a fascinating idea and in places nicely shot with some interesting music (although hardly a career high for ex-Magazine bassist Barry Adamson).
Why then is it so unengaging emotionally? Why do we not really care about poor Joyce Vincent?
I think because the story is dragged 30 – 40 minutes past is tell by date. It’s just far too long.
It’s a shame because I really wanted to like it and applaud almost everything about it; including the fact that it was funded (in part by the Irish Film Board!?) and the incredible detective work that Carol Morley did to unearth so many of the people in Joyce Vincent’s life when the police found not one of them.
In the end, it just makes the police look ridiculous.
And poor old Martin, the batchelor who lost the love of his life.
Bless him.
Filed under: creativity, tv | Tags: Blockbusters, Bob Holness, channel 4, I'll have a P please Bob
He was great.
There’s a good gag out there but I’m scared to do it.
Filed under: creativity, life, Rants, tv | Tags: C4 The bank Job, Channel 4 The bank job, Greed, humility, Shadenfreude
Did you see The Bank Job on Channel 4?
Brilliant.
For a week the winning contestants in each nightly episode collectively pooled their night’s winning money into a collective pot.
Tonight the five finalists duelled one another in a process of elimination until only two were left. (Two greedy blokes as it turned out.)
One was a lucky and hopeless player, the other a cool cat who thought he had it in the bag.
But the producers of this magnificent Game Show had one last twist up their sleeves (it transpired they had two in the final denoument though.)
So, each finalist was given two boxes with about £230,000 in one box and Trash in the other.
The next bit was tricky.
They had to decide if they wanted the full £450,000 or were happy to split the winnings. But they couldn’t say it outright, they had to convince the other that they would share or that they were gambling for the lot.
The deal was, they gave their opponent either the box of Trash or the box of dosh.
If only one handed over the dosh the recipient took the lot.
If both handed over the dosh they spilt it.
But if BOTH handed over the Trash they BOTH lost and the dosh was split between the other three losing finalists.
What would you do?
Me?
I’d take my chances on my felllow man and assume that he too would rather have half than nothing and hand over the dosh, after all there was a two in three chance of losing by not taking this approach.
What did the greedy chaps do?
They both handed over the Trash and both left empty handed.
Served the greedy shites right.
A triumph for Channel 4 and a lesson in humility for all involved.
Shame on them.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Today we went tae Fife and Fay Fife.
Filed under: creativity, family, food, humour, life | Tags: Diet, mark gorman
